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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to confront this 'friend'

47 replies

123lekl · 13/04/2016 16:32

In my profession we have regular training/ support days and of my group there's a couple do people I've known for years since initial training. In the last session I overheard someone (who I thought was a good friend) telling an anecdotal story about something I did during training- something which a) I didn't do and b) makes me out to be a complete cow. In the context of the conversation (which I admit I was eavesdropping) she blatantly told the story to fit in the conversation but I'm really upset with her. Am I unreasonable to confront her? I'm upset other people 'know' stuff about me which isn't true and I feel betrayed. TBH if she knew I'd heard I reckon she'll be mortified and I don't really want to confront her just to upset her but leaving it is making me more upset and bitter.

OP posts:
Openmindedmonkey · 13/04/2016 16:36

You are definitely not being unreasonable to talk to her, I'm on.
I would take her to one side, tell her you heard but chose not to confront her at the time. A

hejsvejs · 13/04/2016 16:38

You should've said something straight away but a bit late for that now.

Say something to her when she's with the people she told and ask her to explain why she's telling lies about you.

Openmindedmonkey · 13/04/2016 16:43

Oops sorry dropped the phone....
It's up to you, & her reaction, to decide how hard you want to go in here, but I would explain that she is wrong, that she has betrayed your trust & damaged your professional reputation.

I would expect an apology from her & ask her to clarify it to the person she spoke to.
If you are happy with her response then leave the incident behind & move on - but keep alert for any further misrepresentation from her, as she doesn't seem to fully deserve your trust.

NynaevesSister · 13/04/2016 16:48

Yes you should let her know that you heard.

whois · 13/04/2016 16:51

Should have breezed in when you heard her and said "That's not fair [name] - that isn;t what happened. Why have you said that?"

Original poster
123lekl · 13/04/2016 16:58

I totally agree that I should've said something at the time but I was gobsmacked and in that environment (with senior people there) I didn't want to risk opening my mouth and ranting at her!

Tomorrow I'll see for the first time since- I don't want to dripfeed the details as it'll seem boring as it's work related (!) but what she said was really unkind and a lie.
Openmindeddonkey you are right about not fully trusting her again and that's hard for me as my friends in a work capacity are few in number but you're right and even after I say something I will have to keep her at arm's length.

I think I'm going to do it tomorrow and ask her if she will clarify the matter with the others, I don't feel I should have to go to all the people she spoke to and explain myself.

I'm feeling quite sad and let down (this is my first mumsnet post) so thank you for your comments

OP posts:
age81 · 13/04/2016 16:58

Did she mention your name?

If so I'd have it out with her in ear shot of others too. She's no mate.

Original poster
123lekl · 13/04/2016 17:04

Yes she did. It started with "well when I was at college with X, she......"
:-(

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 13/04/2016 17:20

You absolutely should have called her on it immediately. In front of the other two.

If you value your reputation and this will affect it, you need to tell her you heard what she said to the others and that you were too furious to say anything at the time. But you expect an apology and a correction.

She's not your friend. Friends don't make others look bad on purpose to make themselves look funny/clever/smart/entertaining/better.

ShmooBooMoo · 13/04/2016 17:29

You should privately tell her you want clarification in front of you and those she lied to. If she refuses, see management.

kaitlinktm · 13/04/2016 17:31

If she talks like this behind your back I wouldn't trust her to clarify the matter with others, even if she says she will. Unless you are there, how would you know?

nicenewdusters · 13/04/2016 17:36

If you can gather the courage and pick the right moment, I second the idea of asking her in front of the others. Not in a confrontational way, just more of a "Can you clarify what you were saying the other day..........." You then let her know she's been rumbled and it clears things up in front of the others.

TooDamnSarky · 13/04/2016 17:42

Be prepare for her to lie and say you must have misheard.

CoraPirbright · 13/04/2016 18:31

That sounds awful!! I can't believe that she told such a blatant lie!! And one that really damages your professional reputation!! If she wanted to invent an anecdote to fit in with the topic of conversation, she could have just said "I know a person who.....". WHY use your name?? Def confront and I would also ask her to clear up this "confusion" Hmm in your presence with the people she told. Disgusting behaviour - she is no friend of yours. If it were me, that would be the end of any friendship.

Beeziekn33ze · 13/04/2016 18:35

Mortify the desperately attention seeking liar. She has shown how she feels about you so don't stress about hurting her feelings.

Sunnybitch · 13/04/2016 18:43

I'd call the cow out, right in front of everyone. They will be able to tell from her reaction that she did it.

Original poster
123lekl · 13/04/2016 19:01

The problem I've got is that she's very ambitious and a bit of a star to everyone...... although I know a few people who've always said there's something they don't trust about her.
I didn't see that until recently. The thing she said WAS a lie but based on something that happened whilst training- which to me makes it worse as it's a lie based around a fact if tagg makes sense. A clever dishonest anecdote.

I will definitely speak to her. I won't plan when or how but it will be tomorrow. I don't think she'll deny it as it's such a specific thing and I don't think her intent was to hurt me (probably to make herself feel popular) so I think she'll be shocked and upset that I heard.
I didn't think i'd get such strong reactions off you all but it's given me a kick up the arse to stop moaning about it and do something!

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 13/04/2016 19:05

Maybe I'm over cautious but I think you should have a friend or line manager with you when confronting her. Are you in a union?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/04/2016 19:10

She may be one of those ruthlessly ambitious people that don't care about treading on people's toes to get to the top. It sounds as though she put you down to make herself look better. Do you think she views you as competition in your field?

MatildaTheCat · 13/04/2016 19:11

Yes, do call her on it and in such a way that she can't deny it. " I overheard you yesterday saying that I did X at y training which is absolutely untrue as you know. Why did you do that and how will you out it right? I'm hurt because we've always been friends."

Dutchess61 · 13/04/2016 19:18

Be very careful about people like this.

Depends what she said. Whether it is just something you are sensitive about or something that could actually damage your reputation.
If it's not a huge big deal then say something to her but if it's major don't confront, speak to a superior.

sleeponeday · 13/04/2016 19:32

I agree. She sounds like someone who would make a bad enemy. I'd be careful to weigh up the potential harm of her lie, versus the harm animosity from her could do you in other ways, if she's an effective politician.

I think I would politely distance myself, in your position, and prove her wrong via work performance. But obviously that rather depends on whether what she said is damagingly serious, or just hurtful and embarrassing.

age81 · 13/04/2016 19:41

Can you record the conversation (by accident of capita emissions).

Italiangreyhound · 13/04/2016 19:44

YANBU. Please tell her you overheard and are hurt. She will almost certainly either apologise, which will help you... " don't really want to confront her just to upset her but leaving it is making me more upset and bitter."

and learn from this,

or she will deny it and think again next time...

or deny it and go on doing stuff like this.

Any except the last possibility is a 'result' for good so please do tell her.

If you are worried this could go badly or have repercussions for you speak to your union or manager. You can set the record straight and if she denies saying it you could call on one of the people she spoke to. You should not live in fear of setting the record straight or defending yourself from lies.

If she is a corporate climber she will only get higher and get more power unless people speak up when they see things go wrong.

Original poster
123lekl · 14/04/2016 07:25

It's such a varied profession that although there is some competitiveness it isn't terrible.
However, there are a few more prestigious appointments which obliviously attract people.
She and I are not that comparable and our jobs now are very different as we are completely different.
A couple of people have suggested she's jealous although I am not sure about that- she's 30, super intelligent, slightly socially awkward and recently married.
I'm 35, married for 12 years, 3 kids, clever but definitely not as clever!
Our interests within the profession are different and the main common ground is that we are both doing research degrees in similar fields ( although different enough that there's no overlap).
One of the women she was talking to when she bitched about me is a really competitive person who I am unsure about and the fact she has this ammunition about me I think is the worst bit.
It's more personal than professional but I may speak to the supervisor today before I speak to her.
Wish me luck!

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