AIBU to confront this 'friend'

[123lekl]

In my profession we have regular training/ support days and of my group there's a couple do people I've known for years since initial training. In the last session I overheard someone (who I thought was a good friend) telling an anecdotal story about something I did during training- something which a) I didn't do and b) makes me out to be a complete cow. In the context of the conversation (which I admit I was eavesdropping) she blatantly told the story to fit in the conversation but I'm really upset with her. Am I unreasonable to confront her? I'm upset other people 'know' stuff about me which isn't true and I feel betrayed. TBH if she knew I'd heard I reckon she'll be mortified and I don't really want to confront her just to upset her but leaving it is making me more upset and bitter.

Good luck!

If you do speak to the supervisor, have a plan re what you want to achieve, including what you don't want the supervisor to do, ie formal v informal escalation, involvement of HR etc, them being present when you speak to this woman, etc.

Looking forward to hearing about your success!

Lots of luck... Without being overly pessimistic, I would log it with supervisor & begin a private diary log of incidents. You don't know if this "friend" has done similar things previously, & she may do it again.

It is impugning you reputation. I would regard it as both professionally & personally damaging,

I speak from experience, with a colleague who was shitty about me: nasty behind my back, eventually "banter" to my face, accumulating over a long period, I didn't want to acknowledge how hostile she was & kept telling myself it was nothing much, I was overreacting... It was damaging & stressful. I wish I'd taken action sooner.

Best thing to remember is that you can never really be friends with workmates. They will always shit on you if push comes to shove. Suggest you tell her this and why, in front of the people she was talking to as well.

Any update Lekl?

You have the right to talk to her. You need to confront her so that all the lies that she's telling everyone should be stopped.

I am so disappointed with myself. I just didn't have the opportunity- the supervisor wasn't around for most of the day, the training was of a delicate nature, lunch was only half an hour and I had to rush off at the end to pick up kids. BUT she's asked me out for lunch (which we do sporadically) on Tuesday and wonder whether I should do it then as we will be alone. Or ring her?
Tuesday might be awkward but might be easier as we will have time and space.
I disengaged with a lot of the group today- I'm in a caring profession which can be really tough and the last thing I need is bullshit from colleagues from half way across the county that I can't really trust.

I feel for you. It's very difficult to confront someone, especially as you feel so betrayed and upset. Try and have it out Tuesday even if just for your own peace of mind and if you feel fobbed off, then that would be the time to discuss with supervisor.
Hope you reach some sort of resolution. No one needs that sort of crap from work mates.

That's a shame lekl, it didn't look like it was going to be an easy situation in which to bring this up. For your own peace of mind it would be good to mention it to her on Tuesday. She won't have other people around to make her defensive and feel awkward. Maybe she'll just be able to see you as an individual she's hurt, and appreciate what a crappy and unacceptable thing she's done.

Sometimes the day doesn't pan out like you'd have liked - not to worry, Tuesday may be a better option, certainly a less formal (& hence less antagonistic?) one. You can still formalise things if needed, until then keep a note of events & your thoughts, just in case.

Just a thought - can you speak directly to the person who she told, to explain the true facts of events?
Obviously avoiding sounding petty or vengeful, but on the basis that your professional reputation is important to you.

To be honest, I'd have said no when she asked me out for lunch, and told her exactly why. She seems as though she has no loyalty towards you, and I wouldn't be too keen on spending time with her 1-1

Yep I'd have told her to stuff lunch up her arse.

Ok so I've spoken to the man who she said something in front of (someone else who trained with us) and asked him whether I was correct in what I heard- I was and it was a bit awkward but he was lovely about it.
I can't believe how sick I feel at the thought of talking to her and we are now involved in 2 big projects together this summer- grrrrr.
I've now decided to confront her over the phone before Tuesday.

Good for you Lekl, why should she get away with this.

Great that you checked & then corrected, well done - that took some guts, & showed him how important your reputation is to you. And was a nice practice before you speak to your other colleague!
Personally I would avoid the phone if possible; you miss out on the subtleties of conversation, obviously there's no visible body language, and you don't know the situation & mood she's in so misunderstandings are too easy. You're also not in control of her ending the call, be it angrily slamming it down or simply not listening to you!
Can you wait until you see her, or arrange to see her before Tuesday?
(Sorry to focus on the negative outcomes)

Development...... this lady text me yesterday apologising and said she wants to Apologise in person today. I'm annoyed and relieved that the man I spoke to mentioned it to her, I think because the 3 of us have known each other for years and he doesn't want me and her to fall out. So today we will have a proper chat about what this was said about me.
I'm actually quite nervous but I'm
glad it's in the open now

He did the right thing.

Gives her the time to prepare a proper apology and let the horror of what she said sink in.

And gives you the out from doing the big confront thing

Update please OP? :)

Wow, I hadn't expected him to tell her - though it is a good thing that he did; nice to have her acknowledging she's wrong & wanting to put it right.
Did you have lunch with her today?

We met up and she was very apologetic and upset. I told her why I was upset a) had she thought I was a bitch because she really believed this story all these years or b) if you know this story isn't true why would you tell it and make me out to be a bitch.
Her response was that she didn't tell it in a bitchy well and told it in a funny way- there's a funniness to the story IF you know it's not quite true BUT I really had to spell it out to her that she told it as a true story and therefore it was reviewed by people as a true story.
I'm not cross anymore as I think she's learnt a huge lesson and I do trust her in the sense that we lived together in a university college so she knows lots of other stuff about my life which I really don't think she'd disclose to anyone (non of it scandalous but definitely stuff of the past)
Thanks for all your responses- we've stayed friends and the air is clear now although I confess she may be slightly more at arm's length for a while. At least I can work on these big projects with get without animosity or resentment under the surface

*her

What a result - well done lekl!
Such an improvement from the way things started off.
Fully understand the 'arms length' aspect, I think that's inevitable really given the significance of the initial conversation.
Have some congratulatory