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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at ds's comment re birthday presents?

34 replies

CocktailQueen · 07/04/2016 14:21

DS is 8. Bday coming up.

Today in a shop he saw something he'd like for bday. I said, no, you haven't got money, put it on your bday list. He stropped.

Then outside he said, there's no point putting things in my bday list, you never get me anything I want for my bday anyway.

We do. He has a party, bday tea, plenty of presents from his list

How would you have reacted?

Background - He has just been on a residential course for his hobby, for which dh took two days out of our holiday to drive him there. He is probably overtired from this course, but we had to speak to him about his behaviour already today.

He's not too young to realise that saying things like that is massively ungrateful and he should count his blessings, is he?? Or am I being U?

Told him how upset I was, took him home and put him to his room for a nap.

OP posts:

corythatwas · 07/04/2016 14:24

I would have thought "he is having a strop and being rude, nothing to get upset about" and told him off. (At least in my dreams as a super-parent - in reality, it might depend on what kind of mood I was in myself...) But basically, tell him briskly not to be rude and silly.

LifeIsChaos · 07/04/2016 14:25

No he's not too young to learn manners.

But.. You put your nearly 8 year old up for a nap? Any Sen?

I would have told him to wait and see what he gets and if he wants to act so ungrateful he may not get anything.

corythatwas · 07/04/2016 14:32

I was wondering the same about the nap.

Botchit · 07/04/2016 14:34

I think you're being a little too sensitive. He was rude and thoughtless but he's 8 and your job is to teach him to not speak like that to you and to consider others feelings. He's still learning.
You're right he is probably tired and grumpy so considering this I would have told not to be rude and then brushed it off.
Why do you feel so sensitive about it? My 8 year old told me I was evil and old yesterday when she was tired and grumpy. I obviously told her off but it didn't upset me at all. 10 minutes later she apologised and it's all forgotten. Try not to drag out or sweat the small stuff.

Original poster

CocktailQueen · 07/04/2016 14:35

Well, I told him to go to his room and have some quiet time away from me! He might be overtired.

OP posts:

MartinaJ · 07/04/2016 14:35

I would definitely have a chat with him. And this is also the reason why I don't do Santa, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy in our family. I don't want my daughter to have unrealistic expectations of what we can buy her and always want to agree beforehand and explain why we can't afford or don't want to buy her some things.
I wouldn't be strict with him in the sense of just telling him to be quiet but have a chat about budgeting for stuff and having enough money or not enough money. Children need to be aware they can't have everything.

parissont · 07/04/2016 14:35

I think you've overreacted. I would have said 'how rude!' and hurramphed a bit. Mine would have said sorry.

Original poster

CocktailQueen · 07/04/2016 14:36

I don't know why, botchit, but I am! Maybe because we're on holiday with family and another family member is quite a competitive parent and I feel judged. That could be it...

OP posts:

calamityjam · 07/04/2016 14:37

I have an 8 year old ds. Believe me they don't need to have SEN to need a nap. If ds has slept at his gp's he sometimes comes home tired and moody. That's generally when he behaves like an unreasonable brat. I'd have warned him about nasty comments and reminded him that some children don't get anything for their birthday and tried to get him to feel that words can be hurtful. beyond that forget it, 8 year olds are still getting the hang on controlling their thoughts before letting them escape from their mouths. Let him sleep it off and he will probably wake up much more cheerful.

MorticiaLiverish · 07/04/2016 14:37

I think he was being incredibly rude and I probably would have told him that I wouldn't buy him anything then, seeing as it would be wrong anyway. Probably not the correct response but the words would be out of my mouth before I could stop myself!

Victoriaplum79 · 07/04/2016 14:37

I think he was trying to use emotional manipulation in response to not getting his own way which is a completely normal part of child development however it's difficult to not take these comments personally at the time and rise to them.

I think a calm discussion after the event about how such comments may be perceived by others is entirely appropriate in this case

LunaLunaLovegood · 07/04/2016 14:39

Depends what mood I was in, if he had been warned before, etc. My options would include things like

cross tone of voice 'don't be so rude'
or sit down and hug and talk about what the matter is and discover he once asked for some tiny trivial piece of crap and is still hankering on about it.
or shrug and brush it off
or stick my tongue out at him.

LunaLunaLovegood · 07/04/2016 14:41

AH having read you are on holiday with OTHER PEOPLE I withdraw the sticking out tongue and would head straight for the gin. For all of you.

Botchit · 07/04/2016 14:42

Marina, this situation came up with a birthday gift not with Santa, Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny. Each to there own but where is the excitement and surprise of a gift for a special occasion if it has been discussed and agreed beforehand with explanations of expense. I think it's important to not put your own anxiety about money on to your children, particularly on birthdays. Children can be taught about budgeting and waste at other times. I love to let my children enjoy a birthday gift free from worry of how I managed to pay for it.

Botchit · 07/04/2016 14:47

Cocktail, I think you've hit the nail on the head. Sod what the other parent thinks and don't let their attitude upset you or go overboard with your DS. He obviously is a very lucky boy, has had a great time on his course and is shattered.
He was rude, you pulled him up on it and once he has apologised to you, that's the end of it. We all slip when we're tired.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 07/04/2016 14:47

i'd probably have a nice long guilt heavy chat with him at bedtime about the cost of the two day course, that dh gave up two days for, the driving, the holiday, the parties/gifts/birthday tea, and end with how sad it was he felt that all that really wasn't enough and that he must feel dreadfully hard done by to behave so brattishly

and then leave the wee monkey alone with his thoughts on that.

But I am a mean mamma.

EweAreHere · 07/04/2016 14:54

I would do exactly as Tondelaya ... long guilt heavy chat about his rudeness, ungratefulness, expectations and sense of entitlement, and spell out all the things that you and your DH have done for him. And if he doesn't get the message and feel bad about his attitude, he's getting too much.

I'm mean, too, when I need to be.

wigglesrock · 07/04/2016 15:21

To be honest and I've an 8 year old, I'd have torn strips off her for talking like that to me like that. 8 (or almost 8) is well old enough, in my opinion to be told to catch themselves on and stop talking absolute nonsense. I wouldn't be second guessing what we buy them/give them.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 07/04/2016 15:26

My response would probably have been something like saying what a shame it was that he didn't get to do the course, that he wasn't bought anything he ever wanted like and that it was such a shame he was such a hard done by little boy.

Hopefully that would then prompt a sheepish look if not an apology!

curren · 07/04/2016 15:33

I would have told not to be so rude. Then talked about it when you are both calm and ask him if that's what he really thinks and ask for an example.

When he realises it's not true. Then talk about how being rude is not ok and how it hurts people.

It's not great behaviour. But he is 8. Most kids show some crappy behaviour from Time to time.

Creampastry · 07/04/2016 15:46

A nap??!!

MrsBobDylan · 07/04/2016 15:55

My 8 year old DS is quite moody at the moment - feels like a dry run at the teen years sometimes.

I would tell him that his reaction was rude, that he is very lucky to have everything he does and that he shouldn't take it for granted as you can giveth and taketh away.

Topseyt · 07/04/2016 16:18

I would have laid into him too. My response would have been somewhere along the lines of if he spoke to me like that he would get nothing at all for his birthday. I would expect an apology too.

Nataleejah · 07/04/2016 16:26

Need more details. Maybe he's really disappointed with past presents?
My parents often gave me shite and expected gratitude. Let's say i asked for a perfume, i'd get a cheap deodorant. Not because they coukdn't afford, but had a philosophy that "for your age its enough"

Greyponcho · 07/04/2016 16:27

A nap? Two days away from home & I'd need a nap or I'd be a bit cranky too

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