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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re DH & dieting?

42 replies

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 05:42

Relatively new to MN & my first AIBU so fully prepared to be torn to pieces & told I am.

DH constantly moans he is fat but won't do anything serious about it!

On average once a week DH says that he is too fat & that it's time to start making a proper effort with diet. He'll then have a couple of days where he'll go to extremes (no treats, no carbs, killing himself in the gym etc) & then will come up with some completely random reason why he has to have something naughty e.g, "it's Friday", "we're celebrating", "I've been good for X days", "too late/difficult to make something healthy" etc

We've both been overweight in the past & have successfully lost it. However he is currently about 2 stone overweight, largely due to sympathy-eating while I was pregnant with DD (8 weeks old). I am struggling to lose the last 8lb of pregnancy weight & find it a real struggle to be good food-wise when he is being bad!

I know his weight is his business, & I adore him regardless of how he looks. The weight doesn't bother me, but the constant moaning about it and not doing anything does!

OP posts:

echt · 04/04/2016 05:49

Lots of people do well on 5:2.

Also Couchto5K is very do-able running regime.

treaclesoda · 04/04/2016 05:49

Yes, that would annoy me too. He either wants to lose the weight or he doesn't. No point talking about it, it won't change anything.

Sirzy · 04/04/2016 05:53

The problem is it is one thing knowing that your weight is a problem, and knowing what needs doing but it's another thing being in a mindset where you can actually change it.

Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 06:14

echt - I have friends who've done well on 5:2 but not sure that would work for us. We tend to eat together & I don't think the fast days would be a good thing for me as I'm breastfeeding. I'm trying just to eat a bit better & go for a walk every day.
Sirzy - I agree, but what pisses me off is he knows how to do it as has done it before, he just can't be arsed!

I just get pissed off with the excuses for it all! Classic example of Sunday dinner (roast lamb).
He had 2 beers beforehand "because he's been working hard all day". This is v true, he's been doing quite manual stuff in the garden for hours.
He had some pate not sure how I do the accent on the e on toast as a starter "because it needed finishing".
He had roast potatoes with the lamb "because you have to have them with roast dinner".
We shared a bar of chocolate afterwards "for pudding".
He then had ice cream "because it was there".
All washed down with red wine of which I had 1 glass & he had the rest "because you can't leave a little bit left in the bottle and he has a day off tomorrow".

I know I sound judgy but he is fast asleep & snoring while I am wide awake having just been up feeding DD so I am in a bit of a grump anyway.

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Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 06:16

And before someone tells me he is drinking too much, I know!
That could be a whole other thread...

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iisme · 04/04/2016 06:22

I'd second 5:2 - great for people who want to lose weight without seriously changing their lifestyle. You can do it whilst breastfeeding, you just need to eat more cals that those who are not - there's advice about 5:2 and breastfeeding over on the 5:2 threads in weight loss.

Btw, he was right about the roast potatoes ;)

MattDillonsPants · 04/04/2016 06:25

Who cooks?

jaffajiffy · 04/04/2016 06:29

My dh has the same narrative of "it's Friday, I've cycled to work this week, the sun is shining, I can't leave something in the fridge". There's no willpower to actually change his outlook on food. So he does 5:2. It suits the "crackdown for two days" approach nicely. Of course you shouldn't join in if you're breastfeeding. I'm breastfeeding ds and on the fasting days will eat before he gets home or eat something simple.

Birdsgottafly · 04/04/2016 06:37

You'll have to ask him, before a shop is due, how serious he is and do a eating plan, but as the TV show 'Secret Eaters' illustrates, if your not in the mindset, then you'll snack on the go.

The drinking, being overweight, eating of food such as Pate and little exercise is a stroke waiting to happen.

Could you both focus on the health aspect, especially now you have the baby and better weather is on its way?

Your weight will naturally come off with a healthy diet and increased activity, which will happen as your DD goes into the next stage.

Birdsgottafly · 04/04/2016 06:39

Just to add that I lost five stone, still having a glass of wine and more healthy snacks, whilst having a 'family film night', you just allow for it, I used My Fitness Pal.

katenka · 04/04/2016 06:58

I have recently lost a lot of weight.

Got to be honest, I got fed up of my moaning. Dh must be a fucking Saint. I desperately wanted to lose weight for a while. I did what your husband did. Did a diet so extreme it didn't last, loads of times.

Yanbu, it's fucking annoying. I can't defend it. It's like there are two sides of you in your head. One wants to lose weight. One wants to eat everything. Eventually I just had to shut up and get on with it. Either stay over weight, or shut up and lose it.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/04/2016 07:02

Yanbu. Stop buying sweet treats for a start. Sugar is pretty evil imo and since I started to cut it out the difference in my weight has been brilliant

Ifailed · 04/04/2016 07:09

if he's serious, how about both of you sitting down and meal-plan for the coming week each friday? Them draw up a shopping list (maybe get home delivery so chance to cheat) and stick to it. No extra 'treats' to tempt anyone. Or course, you both take turns to cook.

pippistrelle · 04/04/2016 07:18

If you're both trying to lose weight, just don't even have chocolate, ice cream, pate or beer in your house. And don't make roast potatoes.

If he's low on willpower, then it's best to keep temptation at arms length.

Also, I think you should never underestimate the psychological aspects of weight and weight loss. This varies for individuals but it is rarely as simple as eat less and move more. This is demonstrated in your original post where you talk about being good or bad.

But I do appreciate that it's annoying listening to someone moan repeatedly about something that, ostensibly, they have the ability to change.

CrustimoneyProseedcake · 04/04/2016 07:24

Have you tried reasoning with him. The rest of the wine can go in the spag bol, The last bit of the pate can be frozen for another day....etc.etc. I realise it's not your job but if you contradicted him a dozen times or so, would he more clearly understand his own greed mindset. As he sounds like a grazer, he sounds like someone that would benefit from eating the same foods but only half or two thirds of it and putting the rest on the bird table, into the dog, in the fridge/freezer etc. When I need to lose weight but feel mentally lazy about planning it, I find that if I just cut stuff in half or two thirds, I lose weight without arsing about with tupperware and scales etc. You have to watch you don't have a load of waste food but I also fast and have the third of the orange/the half a banana etc on those days and it works fine for me. I would definitely be picking him up on his flawed logic. He is not on a diet when he does this, just eating normally for him but yakking about it. I suppose at least it shows he knows he has a problem and where it lies.

Eustace2016 · 04/04/2016 08:20

If we knew the answer to how to stop ourselves eating or drinkg more than we want we'd be billionaires and could sell it world wide. Many people are like your husband - they want to eat or drink less but cannot stop themselves. It is not easy.

On the fast thing could he just not eat breakfast and no snacks ? So only eat twice a day and give up any drinks except water? That is a fairly simple way. I am sure your meals together will not be destroyed by a lack of a breakfast en famille.

Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 08:23

MattDillonsPants - usually I cook as I enjoy it, but we decide together what we're having and he often ends up finishing something I've started if I'm busy doing baby-related things. We also have a stash of meals in the freezer that I made for emergencies when I'm too shattered from baby-related shit to cook which are all relatively healthy. I try to make our main evening meal a healthy one, but am fairly weak-willed too so can be easily convinced into naughtiness.

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Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 08:24

Ifailed - funnily enough we used to do a meal plan before DD came along & I even have a chalkboard in the kitchen with the days on where we used to write

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Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 08:26

Oops DD pressed post with her foot....

We used to write out what meals we were having, but that went by the wayside after DD. Will bring it back!!

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Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 08:27

Birdsgottafly - the whole "being healthy now we have DD is exactly what he says when he's in his "I'm too fat, I'm going to lose weight" moods!!

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Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 08:28

jaffajiffy - actually I never thought of it that way. 5:2 would totally suit his sporadic nature & his inability to be good for long! I will suggest it.

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Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 08:29

A big thank you everyone.

You guys are right, we shouldn't have the naughty stuff in the house. I started typing "we had the pate still can't find the fucking accent because XXX, we had the chocolate because YYY..." then realised what a hypocrite that makes me! And I am clearly an enabler when it comes to the roasties. I didn't even have them myself, I made them just for him. Bad Wizzles.

I know I need to be stronger when we're in the supermarket (usually go together) & say no, we're not having that. I tried to get him to realise that the ice cream really was a step too far after all the rest & he looked really hurt. In the end I left it at "it's your choice but I think that is being rather piggy & unnecessary".

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MattDillonsPants · 04/04/2016 08:35

That's it....as cook, you have most of the control OP...I know it's hard though...you've just had a baby! I think you should just try to cook as healthily as possible but not really focus on him and his battle. It's his...not yours. You have your own.

YourLeftElbow · 04/04/2016 08:39

MyFitnessPal is really good, because it makes you feel like it's a challenge and makes you face up to how much you actually eat. It can be a bit too much like that- I became obsessive and borderline eating disordered on it- but I think it works well for most.

Original poster

Wizzles · 04/04/2016 09:00

DH just woke up and seems very up for the idea of 5:2.

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