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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His 'friend'

49 replies

SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 15:17

Hi all
I'm super-confused about this friend of my partners & would really appreciate your thoughts.
We've been together 18 months & I've met the friend a few times (I instigated us meeting up cos he was spending lots of time with her as her son & his son play football together) He told me from the start that they 'slept together a few times' a couple of years ago - mini relationship.
When I met her we got on well & have since met her a few times & felt fine about their friendship after I met her.
On Friday, we ran into her in town & I felt completely invisible-massive hugs & kisses between her & my partner, 'let's meet up soon' type chit chat, felt like there was this amazing energy between them. After holding it down for a few hours I found myself exploding & demanding to know what is going on with them... So out of the blue but I felt massively upset...
Would you feel ok with your partner remaining friends with someone he was with two years ago?
AIBU to have this massive reaction?
So pissed off with myself but felt like they're behaviour was totally OTT & inappropriate. I am pregnant btw so could be hormones.... Arghhhhhh!

OP posts:
JuxtapositionRecords · 03/04/2016 15:21

Well they slept together so obviously there was once something between them. I would be paranoid too. But as it didn't work out for them and chose you I would try and focus on that.

Do you know why they didn't make a proper relationship?

bearleftmonkeyright · 03/04/2016 15:24

So you're pregnant with his child and she just ignored you? Urgh, yanbu OP she sounds at best extremely rude and disrespectful.

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 15:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset. Your partner should be including you in those conversations not ignoring you in her thrall! What did he say when you demanded to know what was going on between them?

Original poster
SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 15:31

Thanks Jux
He said he didn't want a relationship at the time & it was just sex & that he wasn't feelin' it.
Thanks Bear
She didn't ignore me but she wasn't friendly either-just all gushy with him. Felt crap after & wished we hadn't been out shopping & seen her Angry

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 03/04/2016 15:32

It depends on a few more reasons than you've given. Why did the relationship fail before, who broke it off, how did your DP react to you being upset about it etc but if nowts happened in 2 years seems unlikely owt is ever going to happen.
Its ok they were pleased to see each other but not ok to be ignored or made to feel ignored.

Original poster
SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 15:34

I think she still fancies him (women's intuition)
He denies having any feelings for her but I think he enjoys the attention....
Heated argument afterwards where I called her a 'fucking dick'
Oops.

OP posts:
AdrenalineFudge · 03/04/2016 15:37

Do they stay in touch in any other way e.g. texts, Facebook? That sort of thing or was this just a one-off occasion?

Original poster
SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 15:41

Yeah, texts, FB, see one another when their boys hang out
Genuinely not a problem at all til I saw them together yesterday & was like Hmm

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 15:43

Yes I certainly would. Seems like she's on back burner so to speak. Ask him how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

Onlygingergothinthevillage · 03/04/2016 15:53

I'm still friends with someone I had a brief on/off relationship with a couple of years ago. We are more like brother & sister these days & he & my dp get on like a house on fire. I realise I probably have double standards because if roles were reversed I would feel insecure!

TempusEedjit · 03/04/2016 16:03

Onlyginger "he and my DP get on like a house on fire" is what makes your scenario different to the OP's where their behaviour made her feel invisible.

OP does she know you're pregnant? If so maybe she feels threatened by you now officially having more of a "claim" on your DP than she does (sorry badly worded but I hope you get what I mean).

HanYOLO · 03/04/2016 16:12

Well their mini-relationship could be unfinished business so far as she is concerned. Or the energy between them could just be a genuine friendship. I'd bet on the former, but what really matters is how your DP feels - enjoying the attention is no crime so long as no-one's being strung along, though. She deffo acted like a fucking dick to blank you, so on that YANBU.

In short you either trust him or you don't. Any doubt, get out. (easier said than done when pg I grant you)

Original poster
SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 16:14

Tempest, nobody knows I'm pregnant apart from me & him (early days)
She's always been friendly before & so have I but I sensed something a bit different on Friday. Can't quite work it out but suddenly I feel like I can't stand her & that's gonna impact on our relationship I suspect.... Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 16:16

Thanks Han
Trust all good but Friday's made it kinda Confused & that's made me feel crap.

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 16:17

If your DP cares about you the way he should then he'd scale down this relationship to pleasantries only.

huskylover · 03/04/2016 16:20

If there was anything going on, they would have avoided each other like the plague!

I don't think you've anything to worry about.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

TempusEedjit · 03/04/2016 16:22

Maybe he's confided in her regarding the pregnancy? Of course this is pure speculation but the timing of her turnaround in attitude towards you seems odd.

I'd also be wary that they were sleeping together only around 6 months before you started seeing your DP, maybe she is angry that he allegedly as the ready for a relationship at that time yet was ready with you just six months later.

Were they friends before they slept together?

TempusEedjit · 03/04/2016 16:24

*allegedly wasn't ready for a relationship

Pinkheart5915 · 03/04/2016 16:29

my husband has friends he had brief on/off things with before we met. They don't really have a lot of contact meet up with the whole friend group a few times a year and the odd how are you text. I don't have a problem with this and I trust my husband completely.
But you say you asked to meet her as they were spending a lot of time together so you clearly thought it was unusual, and it sounds like they have a lot of contact from what you said.
You say she was gushy over him when you saw her shopping, could it be she still fancies him? Would like to go back there? Doesn't mean he still fancies her he might just see her as a friend. Men and women can have different meanings to sex, he thinks it was just sex she thinks there was a connection.

Make sure you talk to him when you feel a bit calmer about how you feel about the friendship. Communication is very important to a lasting relationship.

Do you trust your partner? You need trust for a relationship to last long term.

HanYOLO · 03/04/2016 16:42

Has she ever been weird with you before?

I suspect if you are only just pregnant - anything in first trimester- hormones may be heightening your existing feelings about her.

Any other reason why so gushy - sounds like they hadn't seen each other for a while?

Original poster
SmokyJoJo · 03/04/2016 16:42

Thanks for taking the time to post, all.
As I said, I felt totally fine til Friday & now I feel like these horrid negative emotions have been stirred up. But reckon it is down to the hormones.

I genuinely think she's still into him but do believe there is nowt going on. But know that whenever he mentions her (there's a day out for him, her & their boys next week) I'm gonna get all Confused
Oh gawwwwwddddddd

OP posts:
Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 16:46

A day out for him, her and his boys? Goodness gracious, what on earth is he doing? YOU need to come first, not days out with her/her kids!

Vintage45 · 03/04/2016 16:47

Do not put this down to hormones OP.

AdrenalineFudge · 03/04/2016 17:00

OP, who do you mean when you use the term 'their boys'? I'm confused, as in the mutual friends they both share?

I wouldn't write off your emotions as you being hormonal. Have you discussed how you feel with him or are you keeping it inside? These sort of things tend to eat away at people.

Esspee · 03/04/2016 17:18

She may have been feeling miffed that he has chosen you over her and decided to behave the way she did to hurt you. If so she clearly succeeded.
Of course as your OH has not felt committed enough to you to marry you, even though you are carrying his child, I suppose in a subliminal way he is signalling that he is still available.