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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my husband?

50 replies

blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:33

I've been on mat leave but now DH has rearranged work to look after the kids (baby and toddler) a few days a week so I can restart work part time.

As I have been looking after them, I do tell him what to do in the morning as I'm leaving. i.e. If the toddler is watching tv I say 'that should go off in ten mins' or 'remember to leave some of that food for their lunch' etc.

He has been flying off the handle saying I should 'stop bossing him about' and he'll 'look after them how he wants'.

He is quite good at looking after them but also annoyingly arrogant and I think it's annoying for him to disregard all the routines/rules I've built up with them.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/04/2016 11:34

YABU and rude.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/04/2016 11:36

You are sorry. I was a Sahm for years routine and rules are one thing but your examples are petty nitpicking that would annoy me too and implies you think he's not capable. Leave him alone to get on with it

Original poster
blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:37

Ok, that is genuinely helpful.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 01/04/2016 11:38

Yabu! Let him look after his children! I'd be really annoyed if DH reminded me that the children needed to eat lunch!

GooseberryRoolz · 01/04/2016 11:38

Neither of you. It's a handover issue.

Maybe start saying "usually the baby would,,." & "the toddler's routine has been to..." and warn him what happens if the routine isn't followed (crotchetiness, vomiting etc) and let him get on with it.

If you haven't settled into a shared routine after a fortnight, hold a meeting Smile

PurpleWithRed · 01/04/2016 11:38

YABU. He's got exactly the same rights to make care decisions as you have: does he issue instructions like that to you when he goes to work? How would you react?

I sincerely hope this is a reverse.

Eeeek686 · 01/04/2016 11:39

You are, sorry! Sounds a bit controlling and would totally cheese me off too.... Relax and let him do his own thing with them, adaptability is a good thing!

Original poster
blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:40

No it isn't Purple, it is a genuine AIBU - I have taken the responses on board and will stop.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 01/04/2016 11:43

I would need to leave a list for my DH as he would be on the phone every ten minutes, but it sounds like your DH has it all under control, so I think you can let it go and trust him to do it correctly. You don't know how lucky you are! Grin

FiveSixPickUpSticks · 01/04/2016 11:47

YABU

Original poster
blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:48

Oh dear.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 01/04/2016 11:52

Yabvu he's their dad and should know how to look after them.

Are you doing this because you genuinely think he needs telling? Or do you think you are anxious about leaving them and this is part of that? Just ask because when I'm anxious about something I can't control then I try to balance that by controlling other aspects of my life (not other people though) xx

Original poster
blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:52

Yes, I think I'm anxious about it. But I love my job so I should just stfu.

OP posts:
NealCaffreysHat · 01/04/2016 11:53

That would piss me off I am afraid. As though I wasn't capable of looking after my children. Different if he had asked what you usually do.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 01/04/2016 11:54

I think you need to let him get on with it. I'd be really annoyed too. Maybe the first 2 days he will let the toddler watch TV too long but I'm sure he loves the kids and will parent them in a way that keeps them safe and has their best interests at heart. There is always a settling in period where he needs to make his own mistakes (that you probably made when you were starting out looking after them) but you looking over his shoulder will make the whole experience miserable for him. Of course point out if toddler recently shows increased interest in a particular plug docket, he needs to know that, but leave him alone about the normal things.

OpenMe · 01/04/2016 11:55

I wouldn't patronise my CM like that!

Osolea · 01/04/2016 11:55

Maybe you could try and frame what you are saying a bit differently.

So instead of telling him that he needs to turn the TV off in ten minutes, inform him that toddler has already been watching TV for 20 minutes. Instead of telling him that he isn't allowed to eat any more of whatever needs saving for toddlers lunch, tell him that you saved enough cheese for the sandwich but you're going to get more in for tomorrow. Or whatever works.

Try and remember you catch more flies with honey, and there is more than one way of getting the same message across. If you come across as trying to be helpful rather than the boss who needs to leave instructions for someone who doesn't know exactly what they're doing, your DH is likely to be much more receptive, and ultimately do what you'd like him to!

londonrach · 01/04/2016 11:56

Poor guy. Just image how you feel if you said similar things to him. Op just return to work knowing he is looking after them as well as you. Mind you i did remind my dh to turn the car lights off today as he left for work so i surpose we all do this. (In my defence we did need the aa and some fish and chips when he accidentally left them on last time. Grin)

miraclebabyplease · 01/04/2016 11:56

I would ask oh is there anything he needed to know. If he said no then leave it at that. They need to find their own way together.

corythatwas · 01/04/2016 11:59

What you are saying to him very clearly here is "I make the rules about our children". Not the way to go if you want him to have anything like equal involvement in their care.

You wouldn't hand her over to a childminder and say "remember he has to stop x activity in 10 minutes time". And here we are talking about the child's father, their other parent. Of course it is helpful if you run through certain routines beforehand, to make his job easier. But as for rules, he does actually have an equal right to make them. And if he is going to be the prime carer several days a week, he definitely needs to have an equal say about routines. You will both have to listen to each other and compromise.

But also it won't kill your dc if things are done slightly differently on dad's days. Children who go to childminders, or spend time at relatives' houses or with other families, learn to cope with that perfectly easily. Beneficial ime, for the vast majority of children.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 01/04/2016 12:08

I can understand why you do it - sometimes it's hard to let go!

YABU though I'm afraid - I see nothing wrong in reminding DH there's leftover whatever for the kid's lunch as I go off to work, or why doesn't he take them to the park today? Your examples seem a little nitpicky which is probably what is getting his back up.

runningLou · 01/04/2016 12:08

I do this, it's a control thing ... it's like you almost don't want to imagine that they will get along perfectly fine without you there! If everything is fine, it doesn't mean you're dispensable - if DH does some things differently to you, it doesn't mean he can't look after the DC. It does them good to experience different adult expectations / parenting styles.
Give him the benefit of the doubt for a few days and see how things are when you come home.
I know I nag - I need to take a dose of my own medicine!

pictish · 01/04/2016 12:20

Agree with the others...yabu. You're not his boss, so your instructions are not required. Of course if he asks for them, that's different....but you can't expect to treat him like an employee whose job it is to do things your way. You can't run their day if you're not there, so stop trying to.
Good luck with the chilling out. xx

MLGs · 01/04/2016 12:27

You can't tell him what to do, but you could sit down together and agree rules. You could make sure he knows what you've done up til now, and then agreed something (probably similar if you are both reasonable) between you.

PageStillNotFound404 · 01/04/2016 12:33

I would assume as parents you've got some broad 'rules' agreed between you anyway, such as what constitutes an acceptable amount of TV time, whether the toddler is allowed anything sugary and if so how much etc, and then for you to both to work within that framework.

Unless he has form for repeatedly dumping them in front of the TV all day or forgetting to feed them, YABU and controlling. He may do things differently to you but "different" isn't the same as "wrong".

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