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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is my husband?

50 replies

blondieblonde · 01/04/2016 11:33

I've been on mat leave but now DH has rearranged work to look after the kids (baby and toddler) a few days a week so I can restart work part time.

As I have been looking after them, I do tell him what to do in the morning as I'm leaving. i.e. If the toddler is watching tv I say 'that should go off in ten mins' or 'remember to leave some of that food for their lunch' etc.

He has been flying off the handle saying I should 'stop bossing him about' and he'll 'look after them how he wants'.

He is quite good at looking after them but also annoyingly arrogant and I think it's annoying for him to disregard all the routines/rules I've built up with them.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/04/2016 12:42

Quickest acceptance of U-ness ever! Good on you OP

curren · 01/04/2016 13:14

So glad you gave taken this on board.

It would piss me off too. I don't need reminding to feed the kids. It would make me feel undermined and like I was an idiot. It's not a nice feeling.

goldensquirrel · 01/04/2016 13:28

In all honesty I would say similar as I'd think it was poor judgement on his part to let the TV viewing continue at that time in the morning. However, I'd say something later I suspect.

OurBlanche · 01/04/2016 13:54

GIve him a hug, apologise, explain it's just 'Mum's Anxiety', remind him (and yourself) that he is a great dad, you just got carried away!

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/04/2016 15:48

Good job OP!

One rule in our house is not to leave the other parent with the bad guy role. So, if you switched the TV on for the toddler, you switch it off.

PalcumTowder · 01/04/2016 16:03

I did this for ages. I don't think you're unreasonable as such, it is very difficult to hand over the reins. But it's good that you're willing to let him take over. Mistakes will be made at first until he settles into it just as you probably made them at first too.

Good luck going back to work.

Pinkheart5915 · 01/04/2016 16:07

I think it is perfectly OK if he wants to look after them his own way on his days of child care, he is there dad and I'm sure he knows how to look after them.,

Are you ok working again? could you being a bit bossy because you miss being home?

thebestfurchinchilla · 01/04/2016 16:10

On paper,or text, yabu BUT I know i do exactly the same. My DH has never been a sahh but just when he looks after the kids. He totally accepts it though as I am the main carer and even asks me. We just have different roles. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's only because you care after all!

ladycardamom · 03/04/2016 13:20

Yabu but I feel for you. It will take a while to "let go" as it were for those days you are back at work. Maybe if you leave him too it he will ask if he gets stuck? Remind him you are fussing because that's a mothers job not because you think he is incapable.

Tessabelle74 · 03/04/2016 13:42

YABU! Apart from nap times, which were as much for his sake as anyone else's, my husband didn't need instructions! They're his kids too and although he does things differently to me it's not the wrong way!

Liska · 03/04/2016 13:44

I do this. I know IBU even as I do it but it's really hard. In my defence, I have seen DH play computer games with DD until 8.30, when he knows bed time is 7.30. I was sitting on the sofa gritting my teeth trying not to take over. But I think I'm reaping what I sowed (sew?) because he's got so used to me intervening. So yeah you have my sympathy- and my admiration for taking advice so much better than I do!

Queenie73 · 03/04/2016 13:48

Cut yourself some slack. Going back to work and leaving your baby can be hard. Just tell your husband how you feel so he knows not to take it personally, and remind yourself that you are lucky to be able to leave them with the only other person who loves them as much as you do.

Boomingmarvellous · 03/04/2016 13:54

YAB very U and controlling. They are his kids too, so leave him to parent in his own way. Children need benign neglect according to psychologists.

Gobbolino6 · 03/04/2016 14:12

Sorry, I think YABU. By all means discuss a basic routine to keep things consistent, but the examples you've given come across as controlling and patronising even though I doubt that was your intention.

MrsFrankRicard · 03/04/2016 14:17

As time goes by, you will see that he is managing just fine and you won't even feel the need to give him instructions. I have to say, 'that should go off in ten mins' sounds a bit too controlling. It's good that you can see yabu!

minipie · 03/04/2016 14:43

Hmm I think YABU in how you said it to him but YANBU not to want all your rules and routines changed.

I think you need to work out in your own head what is just the way you've always done things (eg go to playgroup on Tuesdays) and what you think is important parenting and you would be really unhappy if it changed (eg toddler has no more than 45 min TV per day, baby needs at least 1.5 hours nap per day or will be overtired).

The bits you think are really important - tell your DH and explain why you think it's important. If he disagrees then be prepared to discuss it until you both agree one way or the other or compromise. Don't just say "the rule is X".

The bits which are just the way you've always done it - by all means tell DH but frame it as a helpful suggestion (eg "if you're ever stuck for something to do on a Tuesday, I used to go to a playgroup"). And only say it once...

summerainbow · 03/04/2016 23:59

Just make sure his does his share of chores and let him get on with it.

cookiefiend · 04/04/2016 00:18

I cAn see you realise now YABU, but I can understand why no occasionally do the same, it is hard when you are them main carer to relax sometimes and remember there re many different ways to achieve them same objective. My mum was a single mum and she has pointed out to me on a few occasions that the benefit to my children of having two parents is that we do things differently and that helps them learn different things, to be adaptable etc and that it is important for them to have these different experiences with each of us.

Bodypumpaddict · 04/04/2016 07:09

Hmmmmm. I am currently exactly the same with my DH and our 6 mo. Routines are so important to me. Maybe I need to chill too

Julia2016 · 04/04/2016 07:59

I think general agreed rules are fine as consistency is important with kids but you have to let him bring up his' kids his way too. Also even though you are their mum and sometimes we think we know best, our DH's influence is also important.

I found it hard to let go the first few times I left DD and DH together but you just have to and it's quite liberating too when you do it because you realise it's not only you that is responsible for them.

kasiap · 05/04/2016 12:55

www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/the-difference-between-a-happy-marriage-and-miserable-one-chores/273615/

Plz read that. Different marriages have different styles for sharing chores. My husband and I follow the expertise model, we each have our areas of responsibility and are quite bossy about it to each other. Plz don't look to the Internet for advice, ppl on here just like pointing out everyone else's flaws. My arrangement for my marriage may not work for you, and vice versa. To me, your husband needs to loosen up a bit and understand that the bonds and societal pressures of mothering are immense. Moms and dads arent equally responsible for childcare yet in the eyes of general society. If I were him, I would be much kinder to you about it. But that's me, go talk with your husband, not us :) love and support xoxo

TheNaze73 · 05/04/2016 13:50

It's not what you say, it's the way that you say it. I think the sentiment of what you are trying to say is right but, it would sound like a moan from me. Let him be a parent, let him be a dad & let him be a man

Chinks123 · 05/04/2016 14:07

Hmm DP is now mostly a SAHP as I have gone back to work, and I do get what you mean. I did have to tell him before I left what he needed to do (he listened politely but told me to throw away the list I'd written as he knew what he was doing) but then when I got home there were a few things he'd said "I know I know" to and not done..DD needed certain creams on etc etc so the next day I patiently said "I know you know what you're doing but she needs X at this time and please remember X" I wasn't patronising him at all but it was important.

In terms of their plan for the day, routine, tv etc that is up to him. At the end of the day I come home and ask what she had for tea, when she went to bed etc and still always say "did you put her cream on" I just get a blank stare now but to end the rambling, he is in charge of the day and unless he was really throwing her routine out of whack by letting her stay up hours past bedtime or something I wouldn't tell him what to do.

Chinks123 · 05/04/2016 14:10

Also though just want to say don't feel bad, it's normal for a mum to feel anxious and us telling them what to do is just us worrying about leaving our kids while we go back to work really and your DP could of realised that

crazywriter · 05/04/2016 17:59

I can see why you do this. When you've been the one looking after the children pretty much the whole time, you get in a routine and have set rules. But YABU telling your husband how to look after them. Let him be their dad.

Our house is going to do a complete change in a few months if our plans work out. I know I'll find it difficult to go from the full time parent to the full time worker and my husband will find it hard doing the opposite but we'll work together with the rules and I'll just have to learn to give up the reins.

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