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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP Child AIBU to be angry

33 replies

whocaresanyway123 · 29/03/2016 13:19

My DP has a DD who is 22 and like all parents, she loves her very much and is very proud of her achievments (University Degree, top job etc etc). DD lives away and DP will visit her at weekends and have days out together or DD will visit and stay the weekend with us which is ok because she can relax and away from a busy city but we always do what she wants to do i.e shopping, stay in or days out. Yesterday me and DP decided to go out for the morning and maybe lunch maybe not, but see what happens. When she told DD our plans she said she just wanted to go into town, which is what they did and I went out on my own.
There is no compromising with my DP her DD comes first every time. AIBU to be angry and annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
whocaresanyway123 · 29/03/2016 13:21

P.S we spent Friday and Saturday "in town"

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 29/03/2016 13:25

Yesterday me and DP decided to go out for the morning and maybe lunch maybe not, but see what happens

This sounds as though you didn't have very definite plans and weren't fussed what happened. Make your wishes clear if you want them to be respected.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 29/03/2016 13:25

You're angry that her daughter comes first?

Yes, YABU.

icklekid · 29/03/2016 13:28

Does she see her every weekend? Have you asked your dp if one weekend you can do something eg.lunch and give her dd enough notice that your busy?

grannytomine · 29/03/2016 13:28

I don't think YABU. She is an adult, if this is happening frequently I think you need to speak to your DP about it. Obviously if her daughter is ill or in some sort of trouble then she needs to put her first but a day out at Easter not the same thing at all. I am sure she could have had a mooch round the shops on her own.

WellErrr · 29/03/2016 13:29

Yes YABU. You had no definite plans.

Branleuse · 29/03/2016 13:32

i think its your dps right to want to spend time with her daughter, if thats what they both want, but if youre not ok with it and feel like you always come last, then you need to talk about it and either find a compromise, or have a think about whether this relationship is right for you.

Have you been together long?

Branleuse · 29/03/2016 13:32

i think being angry is a bit strong tbh

Original poster
whocaresanyway123 · 29/03/2016 13:35

icklekid.....If I suggest going out it will always end up meeting her daughter who will travel to where we will be.

WellErrr..... We had a definate plans NOT to go "in town" 3 days in 4!

OP posts:
Owllady · 29/03/2016 13:37

You are all adults, you need to learn how to communicate better with one another

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/03/2016 13:44

I actually don't think YABU.

If you make plans with your DP, those plans need to be respected. Her DD isn't a little child who needs to be taken to town or to parties - she's a grown adult who should be perfectly capable of taking herself into town or entertaining herself if you guys have other plans.

You need to speak to your DP and explain how you feel so pushed aside. Yes, she's her DD but she's an adult! I wouldn't expect my parents to pander to me that much at 22. If I want to go out with my mum, I ring her and check - if she's not free then that's it. I wouldn't expect her to drop everything for me, which is what your DP seems to be doing, and it's not fair.

YouTheCat · 29/03/2016 13:47

At 22, with a top job and all, why isn't her dd spending time with her own friends especially as she's left home?

My dd is 21. She lives at home whilst she's doing her degree. Sometimes we do stuff together but mainly, she's off with her friends or busy working.

If you and your dp are working then I expect weekends is your time for doing things together as a couple. That frequency of visits would drive me to distraction. YANBU.

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 14:01

Yes YABU. It's her daughter, they are obviously very close and love shopping together, spending time together. I also think it's lovely that she wants to spend every weekend (if that's what you are actually saying) with her mum at 22 yrs. When your DP visits her DD, does she stay over so you don't see your DP for the whole weekend?

You sound jealous and I may be wrong but you don't sound like you have been together very much. If you want to make plans with your DP then make them - not wishy washy/maybe/maybe not plans and then your DP commits if that is what is needed - communicate.

HermioneJeanGranger · 29/03/2016 14:08

Her DD is 22 years old! Her wants (not needs - going to town is not a need) should not come first all the time. If she was sick or her car broke down, that would be different, but she just wants to go into town - why is that more important than pre-arranged plans with the OP?

At 22 years old, she's more than capable of making her own way into town. She shouldn't be doing everything with her mum at that age.

centigrade451 · 29/03/2016 14:10

KNOW YOUR PLACE. IT IS SECOND.

You are being very unreasonable and needy - almost adolescent. You need to be more mature and understanding. Children come first - whether they are 2 or 22 years old. How wonderful for your DP to have a daughter that wants to spend time with her mum.

If there is something you definitely want to do, make your voice heard.

Handsup · 29/03/2016 14:19

If EVERY weekend..you ANBU at all! If occasional, then yes absolutely you are.

YouTheCat · 29/03/2016 14:20

But it sounds like the OP does and then the dd comes along too or plans just get cancelled for what she wants to do.

I could understand this if the dd was a teenager but she isn't. She's a grown up with a job and she's left home.

I think, if I never did anything with my partner without my dd being there, he'd be a bit pissed off and rightly so.

willconcern · 29/03/2016 14:23

KNOW YOUR PLACE. IT IS SECOND.

Really? Daughter who is 22's wishes ALWAYS come first, and partner ALWAYS comes second? What a way to bring up completely spoilt children.

Binders1 · 29/03/2016 14:25

"Her DD is 22 years old! Her wants (not needs - going to town is not a need) should not come first all the time. If she was sick or her car broke down, that would be different, but she just wants to go into town - why is that more important than pre-arranged plans with the OP?"

Sounds to me like the mother loves spending time with her daughter and it's nothing to do with the DD's wants coming first all the time.

catewood21 · 29/03/2016 14:31

How long have you been together?

IAmSashaFierce · 29/03/2016 14:36

YANBU but you haven't said how long you've been together or how serious the relationship is?

Does your DP see you as a serious commitment or maybe not if you are always the lower priority.

I don't think your place is second, I think in a relationship you have a right to be valued and considered, not play second fiddle. You may not always get your way but it unfair you feel so marginalised.

You should have a discussion with your DP and explain, not accuse or criticise, about how you feel and what you would like to change.

I'd also be concerned if I was your DP that I was getting in the way of my daughter fostering friendships and branching out alone

Letustryagain · 29/03/2016 14:51

YANBU. This happened to my FIL. DH's Stepmum picked her DD everytime over FIL.

She was a nasty jealous piece of work at all, slagged off FIL on Facebook (he wasn't on Facebook so didn't know about it until one of his friends told him).

They are now divorced because of her. He supported the girl from when she was 2 years old, treated her as his own DD (albeit better) never disciplined her because she wasn't his blood and she treated him appallingly. To show no hard feelings after FIL and her Mother split up, he sent her an Engagement card when she got engaged, with £20 in it. It was returned, unopened.

This all happened in the last three years and she's 26 now, she's not a child. Just a nasty, spiteful individual.

Save yourself the heartache and get out now. The lack of respect shown to FIL makes my blood boil even now. Don't put up with it.

My view of course may be very skewed because of our situation...

sephineee · 29/03/2016 15:05

I think your DP's DD sounds like she has no friends... home every weekend?!

I'm guessing your DP knows her DD has no social life and doesn't want to leave her on her own.

I don't think YABU. I hope my dc still want to see me when they move away/go to uni, but I don't really want to still have to entertain them every weekend.

In fact the thought of the weekend entertaining not stopping has made me come over all peculiar.

CauliflowerBalti · 29/03/2016 15:07

I don't think YABU. There are situations where her daughter should come first, but it doesn't sound like this is the case. If they were on their own together for a while before you came along, it's somewhat inevitable. People often say my relationship with my son is unhealthy, but when you're a single parent and you HAVE to do everything together, it creates a co-dependency and it can be very hard for a third party to fit in.

Maybe tell her that you were looking forward to doing x this weekend and could you try again next weekend...

Original poster
whocaresanyway123 · 29/03/2016 15:12

Been together 2 1/2 yrs
DP stays with DD all weekend

"Save yourself the heartache and get out now. The lack of respect shown to FIL makes my blood boil even now. Don't put up with it"
because its not going to changs, is it?

OP posts: