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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at DH over this?

29 replies

Dixie2016 · 04/03/2016 13:06

Just checked our joint account and DH has spent £75 on flowers for Mothers Day! This is for his mother and me. Usually we spend about £20-25 on flowers for our own mothers and we pay from our own individual spending money. He appears to have spent £40 this year on his mum and taken it from the family funds.

I'm currently on maternity leave and £75 is a big chunk of our monthly budget. We are now short for the next 4 weeks until he gets paid again.

There are also flowers for me, so I look like a bitch for complaining. BUT there is a flower stall near us that does really great bouquets for about £20, whereas most florists charge huge amounts for quite piddly bunches of flowers at this time of year.

What is really bothering me is that he never checks our account whereas I track every penny spent and know how much we have to spend. So he will do things like this, or pop to the shop for bread and come back with £30 worth of junk we don't need and can't afford.

OP posts:

BeautyQueenFromMars · 04/03/2016 13:17

YNBU to be annoyed. Have you spoken to him about spending money without checking you can afford it?

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 13:20

He is behaving like an irresponsible child. LTB.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 13:24

He is behaving like an irresponsible child. LTB.

what?

It's a difficult one OP. Because you do feel awkward as its for you.

May be just have a general, but serious, talk about finances and how it's needs to kept on top of.

I do think he really needs to stop spending on extras out of his own money. That's not on, if you agree this comes out of your own.

Can he replace it?

Me and dh do the same. I wouldn't be impressed he was making decisions about what comes out of the joint account on his own. Especially if it's leaving you short.

Whathaveilost · 04/03/2016 13:35

He is behaving like an irresponsible child. LTB.

LOL. The answer to everything!

leelu66 · 04/03/2016 13:36

I sympathise. DH will spend 3 times more than me at the supermarket so I end up doing all the shopping. Quite cunning on his part, now that I think about it...

Anyway, as it is a large chunk from the income, he should have cleared the cost of the flowers with you, or used his own account at least.

Original poster

Dixie2016 · 04/03/2016 13:38

I've told him we are now short and he said he thought he was doing a good thing. I sort of get taking money for my flowers from joint funds as obviously our young children don't have any money of their own, but for his mother!? I told him not to book to take me out for lunch this year as we can't afford it.

We do have an issue already with what comes from joint account. We have the same amount each month in our own accounts that is ours to spend as we like. For me this covers any clothes, shoes, lunches, coffees, hair cuts etc. I'm on mat leave so rarely spend it all ( it's not a huge amount but I'm not going out a lot) and often end up buying things for the kids out of my pot. DH thinks if he needs clothes it should come from the joint account as he can't possibly manage on the amount he gets. But it's his choice to buy lunch everyday or to go out after work and buy a big round of drinks etc.

OP posts:

Katenka · 04/03/2016 13:41

Well then it's not really a join account is it?

He is using it to top up his spending. You are on a budget. If ot means he can't afford some new clothes, he has to wait.

Dh wouldn't use our money to buy me something for Mother's Day. The kids can't buy it so he does. What's the point of a present if it's coming out of money of joint money?

I wouldn't dream of dipping in the joint account for dhs Father's Day present.

Original poster

Dixie2016 · 04/03/2016 13:49

See we do usually buy gifts from joint funds. Because the amount we each get to spend isn't a lot. Similarly any gifts for others also come from joint funds as they are from the whole family.... But Mother's Day is a bit different I feel. I've no wish to thank his mum and certainly wouldn't choose to spend double on her what I've spent on my own mum ( who incidentally dropped everything to come and look after child 1 when I had child 2, so if anything it's her who deserves to be spoiled).

OP posts:

LittleLionMansMummy · 04/03/2016 13:59

I'm the wrong person to ask because I've just had strong words with dh about his inability to plan anything in advance. He hasn't arranged with dsd what time she's coming over on Sunday (she lives 15 miles away so requires dropping off and picking up and is 16 so likes lie ins), won't have thought about what or where we're all going to eat - at home or pub/ restaurant, or have bought flowers or a card yet. He'll probably fit in a quick shopping trip at about 10pm tomorrow and then complain that everything is gone.

So I actually think your dh is very sweet for thinking ahead and spoiling you. I do understand though that your money is tight so for that YANBU. I'm just a grumpy cow today.

Original poster

Dixie2016 · 04/03/2016 17:52

I must be really ungrateful then because I don't see a bunch of flowers as " spoiling " me for Mother's Day.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/03/2016 17:59

TBH it sounds like a bit of a final straw regarding money.

Have you sat down and budgeted together? He doesn't seem on board with understanding that you have a reduced income at the moment.

cranberryx · 04/03/2016 19:32

He is using your joint account to top up his spending as PP said above. Clothing and personal items should come from personal funds, anything from the house should come from the joint (if you both have allocated 'allowances'. You need to speak to him about this, maybe print out a bank statement and go through it so he can see on paper what his spending looks like.

Mat leave is hard on the wallet, he doesn't need to make it harder.

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2016 19:35

He is behaving like an irresponsible child. LTB

Umm - it was a joke....!

redskytonight · 04/03/2016 19:39

This is one of those threads where you can't help feeling that tomorrow someone will pop up and post something along the lines of

"DH didn't buy me anything for Mothers' day because he says we need to save money because I'm on maternity leave and we don't have as much as normal coming in." and we'd get a whole raft of entirely different answers ...

malloo · 04/03/2016 19:44

YANBU. I'm always trying to save and manage our money well so we have some spare for doing family stuff, holiday etc. DH will just buy the first thing he sees, regardless of cost. I've told him I don't want expensive stuff because it's the truth! What I really want is time! Or someone else to clean the bathroom for once I really don't like getting flowers anyway, ok they're nice for a few days but then they start dying and get all slimy. Seems like such a waste of money.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 04/03/2016 19:45

Poor guy, can't spend from the account he pays into as you begrudge his mother a gift from it but not others.

He should be able to treat his mum on Mother's Day just like you should. Petty to say she deserves less for not being at your beck and call.

Primaryteach87 · 04/03/2016 19:48

I think you just chalk it up. Poor men they can't do the right thing....

Illiria · 04/03/2016 20:21

This is why DH and I have separate accounts.

I really think you need to do a budget and represent it in a few ways like a chart and a graph to show him what your shared financial reality is.

The way my husband have done it since we moved in together is Each month I calculate the total bills and we split the cost as a fraction of income. What we each have left is ours to spend. If one of us buys something for the both of us we calculate as a fraction of income and then the other gives them the amount they owe. Presents for family comes out of our own money, even though I have about four times as many relatives than him, as I choose to buy them all Christmas presents.

Only reason we have a joint saving that has 50/50 split of money is for added evidence for some immigration paperwork we need to do.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 04/03/2016 20:28

£75 is a ridiculous amount to spend on something, especially that will turn brown and die within three days.

The intention might be there, but if the finances don't match that, you have to change you plans.

And his bitching that clothes need to come out of join account whilst yours come out of your own is just ridiculous.

Original poster

Dixie2016 · 04/03/2016 20:29

Er where did I say she deserves less for not being at my beck and call!? What I said was I begrudge him spending double what we would usually spend on flowers for her from family funds! Other gifts for her come from the joint account as they are gifts from ALL the family. Mother's Day flowers are just from him, so why should we all be short because he decided to splash out? I bought my own mothers flowers out of my own personal funds not the family grocery money!

OP posts:

leelu66 · 05/03/2016 07:42

Don't worry, OP, you're NBU. £75 is a lot to spend on two bouquets of flowers. Have you spoken to him about this?

Telling him that he shouldn't book lunch is letting him off the hook. He has spent the joint account money and got out of booking the lunch.

I would pay for kids things out of joint account and keep your savings for yourself. If he's paying for his clothes out of joint account, you should do it too. When the joint account starts to dwindle, he'll realise why there's no money.

Coconutty · 05/03/2016 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newname99 · 05/03/2016 07:57

I think £75 is a lot for flowers so not very sensible but I suspect he just didn't think it through.

I would suggest you budget for clothes and presents so that there is a fixed amount to spend, we had to do this as I was spending my money on presents so never having a clothes budget.

How long before ypu are going back to work? Are you in debt or is more a case of not having as much money as usual.I. am very cautious with money, dh less so but realise my worries around Maternity leave did get quickly resolved once work resumed so wish I had relaxed a little more when off.

Deletetheheat · 05/03/2016 08:04

Oh lord I do understand your frustration and it's no fun watching every penny on maternity leave but dh was obviously trying to do a nice thing for you and his mum. It's silly and extravagant, but it's done now so can you let it go? I'd post the flowers emoji for you but I don't think you'd appreciate it

ps There will be about 20 threads tomorrow from women who got nothing for Mother's Day. I myself will be taking one dc to a football tournament 20 miles away at 8am, another DC is at a sleepover and the third is at her boyfriend's mum's for lunch!

StableYard · 05/03/2016 08:10

I personally don't like flowers - at a push daffodils and tulips. I certainly would not want a £40 bunch tomorrow - such a complete waste of money.

DH did get me a bunch like this one year and said I was completely ungrateful as I wasn't "thrilled" by it. I soon pointed out that he got them as a cop out gift and it was more to tick the box at getting me a gift.

All I have ever wanted on Mothers Day is a £1 bunch of daffs from the local supermarket and maybe a small gift from the tat that the shops have in that the boys have chosen themselves.

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