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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a snub?

27 replies

Truffle40 · 02/03/2016 20:29

Last year it was an old friend's 40 th. She has always been quite self obsessed and a bit difficult as a friend but we go back a lon way, bridesmaids godparents etc. So we took the children out of school for a day ( unheard of for us) and trekked up to Edinburgh where her husband is chaplain at a public school. I was surprised that she didn't offer us to come round for a cup of tea, see her house etc but hey ho. So we just went to the party in the evening which was quite dull - and she did not come over to speak to us at all. - until we were leaving when she tried to get us to stay for some reason. So recently it was my 40 th and I had a party. She said it was too difficult to come down off it ( although we made a huge effort to get to hers). I am pissed off - should I take all this as a snub?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 02/03/2016 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Truffle40 · 02/03/2016 20:34

I'm coming to that conclusion ! It's a bit like a power struggle

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 02/03/2016 20:36

I think if it was her birthday, she might have had other plans and perhaps been prepping for the party, so I wouldn't worry about not having been invited over for tea - especially as it sounds like you were at least 4 people.

Why didn't you go over and speak to her at the party? If it's someone's birthday and they have a lot of guests of course they may be surrounded by people so you have to make a special effort to talk to them, that's normal. She presumably wanted you to stay as she realised you were leaving without having spoken to her.

She might be upset about your not having spoken to her at the party, but hopefully she will have realised that you made a big effort to come up for it. So I think that probably she genuinely does just find it too difficult to come to yours. I don't think there's anything wrong with that - it sounds like you live far from Edinburgh and it might just be logistically difficult. I'd just reconnect over the phone or something if you're worried.

FetchezLaVache · 02/03/2016 20:36

Well, maybe it is too difficult for her to come down, but that doesn't excuse her lack of effort to make you welcome when you all made a similar effort for her 40th! What's she usually like with you? How often do you see each other?

bornwithaplasticspoon · 02/03/2016 20:37

You could have said no to her party. It was your choice to go. It was really rude that she ignored you after your huge effort to get there though. That's not a friendship I'd be nurturing.

slicedfinger · 02/03/2016 20:41

It's definitely very odd, but I did want to add that she possibly didn't realise it was a big deal to take the DC out of school for the day because no one bats an eye lid at doing that in Scotland.

Quite odd though!

honeyroar · 02/03/2016 20:44

She might not have invited you round to her house on the day of the party as she was busy sorting food and decorations (I was on mine). Parties are always busy and it's difficult to spend as much time with people as you think, and you only sometimes realise that when they're about to leave (hence perhaps why she asked you to stay longer?). And as you know, it is a long trip to do for a party, it's not a snub if someone doesn't travel miles to a party. It's wonderful if they do, but a real friendship shouldn't depend on them coming to everything. So whether it was snub or not depends on what the friendship is like otherwise.

Original poster
Truffle40 · 02/03/2016 20:51

Thank you for all the helpful replies. I have felt that she likes to boss me a bit and is self absorbed and takes offence very very easily- you kind of have to second guess what she wants you to say. Can't really be bothered any more. It also turns out that years ago she was having an affair with a married man and lied to me when I asked as I suspected it. She recently told me it was true but is making out he was practically a paedophile - she was 20 at the time and was not coerced!

OP posts:
Paulat2112 · 02/03/2016 20:55

slicedfinger is that sarcasm? Of course eyelids are batted in Scotland, what makes you think they are not?

Iggi999 · 02/03/2016 20:57

We bat eyes but we don't get fined.

Sparkletastic · 02/03/2016 20:58

How very odd that you thought an adult friend's birthday party was a good enough reason to take your children out of school.

lorelei9 · 02/03/2016 21:19

Sorry OP
This is the kind of person who just wanted you to be seen at her big party.

Drop her.

I hope you enjoyed your party, welcome to 40....you won't be the only one to shed pointless friends at this age, I promise.

PitilessYank · 02/03/2016 21:28

I have a few friends who are just a bit "difficult", I guess I would say, and the best thing for me has been to just acknowledge how they are, and just work around it. Of course, these friends are special to me, which is why I put up with it. Is she special enough to you for you to tolerate it?

Also, I have no problem with taking kids out of school for any and all reasons, but I would say that, we are homeschoolers. As long as it doesn't create too much extra stress or work for the children, why not give them a break now and then? There is nothing sacred about school.

Oooblimey · 02/03/2016 21:35

By my mid thirties I stopped making effort with friends who it felt like an effort to keep in contact with. I'm much happier and have more time for friends who don't feel like an effort. That includes some who live far away and I only see once a year bt when we meet its something to look forward to.

She sounds like an "effort" friend. Drop her.

slicedfinger · 02/03/2016 22:59

Experience says eye lids are not batted. Why else would I say that? It is completely different from the way time out in term time is for children in English schools.

Fatmomma99 · 03/03/2016 00:13

how much would you miss her?

PitilessYank · 03/03/2016 00:57

That's a great question, FatMomma!

DaisyDando · 03/03/2016 01:25

If she's on Mumsnet, she'll recognise herself easily.

CrazyMary · 03/03/2016 02:30

Maybe there will be a surprise party and she is pretending not to be coming?

Original poster
Truffle40 · 03/03/2016 06:44

Thanks everyone - I think I will drop her -the more I think I ab out it the more I feel cross that we made so much effort and spent money to be ignored

OP posts:
Eigg · 03/03/2016 06:51

Sliced it is true that we aren't fined in Scitland but it's not true that no one 'bats an eye lid'.

Our Head takes a very dim view of taking kids out of school in term time. We have to apply for a day out and wait for authorisation - we just aren't fined.

bb888 · 03/03/2016 06:54

She maybe didn't realise that you were thinking about it in the way that you were - maybe she thought that her party was a good excuse for you all to make a trip to Edinburgh and that that was part of the motivation?
Did you discuss with her in advance that you were going to come up - and discuss meeting for tea etc then?

It sounds like a lot of this friendship might be to do with your idea about her being an old friend etc rather than the current reality of the situation? No harm in letting in go if its not working for you anymore.

Paulat2112 · 03/03/2016 12:50

As Eigg says we still need to go through similar things as England Sliced we just don't fined.

winkywinkola · 03/03/2016 13:07

I think you were crowd fodder for her party.

We have had a lot of invitations for big birthdays from people who barely make any effort with us socially. We don't go to the parties because we know we are just fillers.

I would slowly fade from this person's life. You seem to do all the leg work.

Although I am amazed you took your dcs out of school for a 40th birthday party.

slicedfinger · 03/03/2016 15:47

Eigg and Paula

Your experiences are completely different from mine, and everyone I know who lives, or has lived in Scotland. No need to get snippy.

In England, asked to get the DC out of school two and a half hours early, to get to a solicitors appointment 500 miles away at 9am the next morning. Denied permission. Both DC had 100% attendance at that point.

In Scotland, asked to take the DC out of school for two weeks for a family holiday and the head told us to have a wonderful time, and send a postcard.

Anyway, this isn't an argument about school leave. It is about Truffle's odd friend. I think Winky makes a good point about crowd fodder.

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