Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DH hasn't thought this through

32 replies

love4ds · 27/02/2016 12:27

Hi all read lots of these but first time posting. So a while ago, against my advice, DH decides that he is not content with his 9 - 5 office job and tells me he is going to join the police in glasgow. fast track to yesterday and he got "the call" telling him that he has been accepted and starts an 11 week residential course away from home. Yes the money is good and he is going to do something he likes but AIBU to think that he hasn't thought about me or our two children ,3 and 5, throughout the process?

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 27/02/2016 12:29

No idea, really, you haven't given us enough information on which to base any opinion.

AugustaFinkNottle · 27/02/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2016 12:33

Did you both look into it? Surely the training course doesn't come as a surprise at this late stage in the application?

Glassofwineneeded · 27/02/2016 12:33

How far away from your home is it?
What is it that you don't think he's thought about - 11 weeks away from you or the long term?

SleepyBoBo · 27/02/2016 12:34

What exactly are your concerns about him doing this? Is it that you were happier with him doing a steady job, or are you worried about the danger aspect? I think it's important for someone to be in a job they want to do (I'm currently supporting my partner through a big career change), doing a job you hate just for family sake, can be soul-destroying. Is this going to have a negative effect on family life in general? Have you actually sat down and talked though it all?

SweetieDrops · 27/02/2016 12:34

I don't know, I can see both sides. Are you living close enough to Glasgow that DH will be able to live at home once the 11 weeks is done? What problems specifically will it cause you and the DCs? At the end of the day your DH has the right to choose his own career that will make him happy.

Rubberbandits · 27/02/2016 12:34

Would you rather he remain in a job where he is unhappy?
Are your objections sound?
How will his decision to join the force affect you and the dcs?
For what it's worth, I would want my DH to work in a job where he is happy and fulfilled. But bills have to be paid. Children have to be reared.

SleepyBoBo · 27/02/2016 12:36

What exactly are your concerns about him doing this? Is it that you were happier with him doing a steady job, or are you worried about the danger aspect? I think it's important for someone to be in a job they want to do (I'm currently supporting my partner through a big career change), doing a job you hate just for family sake, can be soul-destroying. Is this going to have a negative effect on family life in general? Have you actually sat down and talked though it all?

bornwithaplasticspoon · 27/02/2016 12:36

He's BU if you haven't reached this decision together.

You're BU if you just gave him a 'no' without good reason. Being a father if 2 isn't a reason not to join the police.

How did the discussion of this career change go?

My dh had a massive career change when our youngest was preschool age. It was tough on the family but I supported him and now he does a job he loves.

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2016 12:37

What was he meant to think about specifically? Should he have stayed in a job he was unhappy in? Failing to see your problem tbh. Anyway he's done well, thought the police hadn't been recruiting on ages. Be happy for him !

SweetieDrops · 27/02/2016 12:39

I don't know, I can see both sides. Are you living close enough to Glasgow that DH will be able to live at home once the 11 weeks is done? What problems specifically will it cause you and the DCs? At the end of the day your DH has the right to choose his own career that will make him happy.

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2016 12:43

What was he meant to think about specifically? Should he have stayed in a job he was unhappy in? Failing to see your problem tbh. Anyway he's done well, thought the police hadn't been recruiting on ages. Be happy for him !

DelphiniumBlue · 27/02/2016 12:45

Yanbu in that obviously consultation with you should have happened before he reached a decision. Presumably these are his children and he has blithely assumed that you will cover his responsibilities towards them whilst he he is away.
Are you in fact able to do that? If you don't work and are fully able- bodied then you probably can manage, although its pretty annoying and actually rude to just presume you are OK with it. Quite dismissive of you, and shows who comes first in his world.
But if you work, or have other reasons why you need his help, he is being unrealistic to think that he can just bugger off for 11 weeks without putting support arrangements in hand.
Its also no fun being the partner of a shift worker. The long term implications are weekends,Christmases and other family days by yourself. There are some pluses, like the possibility of him having days off during school holidays, but I don't think this necessarily outweighs the disadvantages.

So yes, he is being unreasonable and selfish. I would be livid if my my DH made such a major life change without massive prior consultation.
I think a long serious discussion is called for, and he needs to be specific about how he intends to support you in carrying out his responsibilities during his absences.

AgentProvocateur · 27/02/2016 12:45

What do you not like about it? The police or the fact that's in Glasgow? Wink YANBU if you live in Norfolk, but YABU if you live in central Scotland.

SleepyBoBo · 27/02/2016 12:49

If it's because you think it's a dangerous job, you should have put your concerns forward sooner. If you think he should just stick to a 9-5 job, yabu. No one should stay in a job that makes them unhappy 'for the family' (as long as they can find a job that also supports the family, which this seems to do). Have you sat down and talked it through, together?

gleekster · 27/02/2016 12:49

From the limited info here YABU, but there is presumably more of a back story that has made you so unhappy about DH change of career?

AgentProvocateur · 27/02/2016 12:49

YANBU if you live in Norfolk. YABU if you live in Central Scotland v

What are you unhappy about? Surely you'd prefer him to be in an interesting job that he'll enjoy.

Littleallovertheshop · 27/02/2016 12:53

Is the training actually at Tulliallan? YANBU, it's a huge step and v intensive. It should have been discussed - can you cope without him for the huge chunk of time?

Andro · 27/02/2016 12:53

Unless you have fully discussed the impact this will have (covering holidays/child sickness/impact on your job/impact of shift work/etc) yanbu.

SleepyBoBo · 27/02/2016 12:54

Apologies for my posts - my tablet is going a bit nuts on me!

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2016 12:59

DelphiniumBlue how on earth did you reach the conclusion that he's BU and selfish, on such a minuscule amount of information from the OP?

ZiggyFartdust · 27/02/2016 13:04

I think the clue is in "he TELLS me he is going to join the police".

You don't get to to change your job, life, everything all by yourself when you have a family to consider. It has to be a joint decision that is properly considered from all angles.
And how many women would be happy with their husband leaving home for a 3 month residential training course?

butterflylove16 · 27/02/2016 13:26

Dh and I are in a similar position, although I'm pregnant with our first. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but getting into the police (from application to starting training) is a very very long process, at least in Dh experience as well as all of the friends he's made on online police forums. It is at least a year, although in our case nearly three. So imo this is a lot of time to discuss things and come to an agreement.

I found it difficult when Dh was first accepted as we will be moving far away soon when I'll be heavily pregnant. However this has always been his dream, and even though it will be hard at times and he's taking a huge pay cut, I know it will make him happy and fulfied. The time at the training centre will be hard on us, but I remind myself it's only temporary and in the long term it's a good thing. I don't think you're bu, as it's a big adjustment for everyone, but try to think what a positive thing this will be long term, and a great example to your children showing them your dreams can come true if you work hard.

lalalalyra · 27/02/2016 14:29

If he just decided and refused to have any discussion about the impact of the training/shift pattern/restricted holidays on you and the children, and simply assumed that you'll work your life around him and his new job then you are not unreasonable in the slightest. Especially if his shift work is going to have an impact on you and your job/job hopes.

happyhearts7 · 27/02/2016 14:57

DH & I are together 20 years (18 of those married) and away before we got married he told me he wanted to join the police but I didn't want the possibly of being a young widow so gave him a choice - police or me?? Just for the record we live in Northern Ireland!
Fast forward to 2 years ago and they were recruiting again so he with my blessing this time got all the forms and then discovered he doesn't qualify anymore whereas 20 years ago he wouldn't have had any problems and he was gutted!!! He'd always wanted to join!! He never once even tried to make me feel bad about it but I know it still guts him when he thinks about it.
He has a good job which he really enjoys and get on well with his workmates but I know I destroyed his dream Sad