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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH "it won't be a late one" (rant)

45 replies

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 03:45

DH went out "for a couple of drinks" at 7pm and staggered in at 2am. Before he left he made a point of telling me "it won't be a late one" as he has stuff to do tomorrow. He is not usually a big drinker (can take it or leave it most of the time, will go weeks without bothering) and doesn't go out often but when he does go out (especially with this particular group of friends) he reverts back to teenage boy status and doesn't know when to stop. The thing is, I have no problem with him staying out late as such. It's the fact that he told me he wouldn't he late (he volunteered that information, i didn't ask), we planned stuff for the next day and then he decided to roll in at 2am anyway that I find so inconsiderate.

DD(2) is suffering with her last two remaining teeth coming through so I got her into bed with me at about 1am having been up and down with her several times throughout the night. He woke her up when he staggered into our bedroom and tripped over his own feet. He then promptly passed out on the bed in all his clothes. So I can't sleep as I now have DD next to me, asleep again finally, but fidgeting and kicking me in the face every couple of minutes and DH the other side of her snoring like a fucking freight train

He will be completely useless tomorrow (one of the reasons he doesn't drink that often is that he gets terrible hangovers) so after having next to no sleep tonight I will no doubt be spending my Sunday enteraining a stroppy, teething toddler while he spends most of the morning in bed sleeping it off and most of the afternoon moaning theatrically on the sofa.

We are having a lot of work done to the house at the moment and DH has arranged for three separate tradespeople to come round and quote for jobs tomorrow morning. I don't even know what they're coming to quote for specifically and probably won't be able to answer any of their questions so will look like a twat if DH hasn't surfaced by the time they turn up. He had also promised to cook a roast lunch tomorrow (his idea) which I very much doubt will happen now. Not a big deal, I'm perfectly capable of cooking for me and DD but the point is that I think if you offer to do something nice for someone you should bloody well do it otherwise it's just an empty gesture.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off and perusing the 'petty revenge' thread for inspiration ?

OP posts:

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 21/02/2016 04:00

No YANBU.

My DH has been out tonight too with his DBro who is here for the week.

I really don't mind. They are twins, very close and don't see each other often as DSIL works abroad.

However we are supposed to be taking DC out tomorrow which DC are overly excited about and they have both come back a bit worse for wear.

They don't tend to get bad hangovers lucky sods even though they don't drink very often (BIL lives in a dry country)

DH words to me as he fell into bed were don't let me sleep in.

Is it wrong to get the DC to'wake' him up at 7

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 04:09

If anything it would be wrong not to, since he specifically asked you not to let him sleep in

OP posts:

Bathlover · 21/02/2016 04:10

Ha similar here too.

I'm still waiting for him to get home with his mate.

They are In a taxi now.

God that DS will be up in less that 3 hours. Expect he will want to go on the PlayStation. The mate is sleeping on sofa. :D

I actually don't mind at all, just fact that he text at midnight saying they'll be back soon. Men are (sometimes) twats

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 21/02/2016 04:11

If anything it would be wrong not to, since he specifically asked you not to let him sleep in

Exactly

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 21/02/2016 04:15

Can you all let the kids properly wake them up in the morning and then just 'pop out' for an hour or six?

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 04:16

Am currently compiling a list in my head of DD's most irritatingly noisy toys so that I can subtly direct her to them when she gets up. I know it's petty and childish but I don't care

OP posts:

tkndnv · 21/02/2016 05:09

Yabu.

Drag him up for the trades people. A roast doesn't need to happen. If it's not very often it doesn't matter.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 05:59

Of course a roast doesn't need to happen and yes, I will attempt to drag him up for the tradespeople but I don't really see why I should have to nag a grown man to keep an appointment that he made himself. As I said, I have no objection to him staying out late drinking once in a while. What I object to is him telling me he'll be home early/will only have a couple, making plans accordingly then thinking 'fuck it'. If that's the case then the considerate thing to do would be to text me and let me know he was staying out (so I'm not lying awake wondering why he still isn't home) and maybe to sleep in the spare room so I'm not kept awake all night by his drunken snoring.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2016 06:57

I'd just take your daughter out for lunch, and leave him to deal with the tradespeople he arranged - and he can sort his own lunch too - simple

Phineyj · 21/02/2016 07:02

Yes, go out first thing and leave him to it.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/02/2016 07:05

I don't really see why I should have to nag a grown man to keep an appointment that he made himself.

Then don't

ManneryTowers · 21/02/2016 07:12

I think yab a little u. Sometimes I'd do anything for a really decent night out and actually, God forbid, get home later than I said.
If it isn't a regular thing OP then let it go. He is an adult. He doesn't need nagging as to how to run his life. If he misses an appointment then he can deal with the consequences. If he's a half decent human being as soon as he feels well enough today he will grovel. Then you have the rest of the week with him making it up to you

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 07:20

"Sometimes I'd do anything for a really decent night out and actually, God forbid, get home later than I said. "

He can have a decent night out anytime. As I've said, I'm fine with him coming home late, I would just appreciate him letting me know he's going to be home late or, if plans change, dropping me a text so I'm not lying awake in the early hours of the morning wondering if he's OK.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 21/02/2016 07:24

I'd be tempted by the noisy toys as well, OP.

restinglawyer · 21/02/2016 07:36

There will be many of us reading this and thinking how lucky you are to have a DH who can take or leave alcohol most of the time. I'd swap you the occasional bender and written off Sunday in a heartbeat.

confusedandemployed · 21/02/2016 07:39

If it's a one off I wouldn't be too worried. Although being a control freak I do get pissy if DH doesn't tell me if he's going to be later than planned.
Tbf it's usually me who's out, DH rarely goes out now, but I do always text to say if I'm later than planned.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 21/02/2016 08:08

Yanbu for expecting a text and for him to sleep in the spare room to not wake you! Can you feed your dd something sugary for breakfast and take her out to buy a toy recorder or something?!

Catsize · 21/02/2016 08:11

I think noisy toys, followed by a fabulous day out with the kids somewhere really exciting, but without him as he's 'poorly'.

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 08:56

YANBU for expecting a grown man to be able to deal with the life he has arranged. Why is it OK to make arrangements with tradesmen and then to get too pissed to speak to them? Why is it OK to make promises/arrangements of any sort and then just decide to forget it and get too drunk to be of any use?

And why is it usually men who feel free to be unable to take part in family doings?

And why to women feel it necessary to accommodate them by picking up the slack, making sure that their arrangements will fall through otherwise?

As for the lack of communication... that really irritates me. Mainly as DH works all over the place, all sorts of hours and always manages to speak to me at a reasonable time. Even at the end of a big build he will speak to me before he gets too drunk and tells me what really is happening. Which is why I am usually amenable when asked to go and get him the next day.

If he let me down, he could walk back.

Sorry. A friend is having similar trouble with an inconsiderate DP and her complete surrender to his Male Needs is unfuriating me.

TaraCarter · 21/02/2016 09:07

restinglawyer

I'm sure. That is a very sad but doubtless heartfelt post.

Look, better than Inconsiderate Arse Fred isn't the same as good enough.

I don't know how to say this without seeming like a judgemental pillock, but it needs saying. Working out whether your partner brings more to your life than he takes away is an intensely personal calculation, but when you're making it, don't assume that you have to accept some level of uncontrolled drinking.

Not all men drink to excess. I know they don't, because due to my own childhood

that was a non-negotiable in my partners as an adult.

You don't have to accept this, and the OP can resent her DH being a prat too, even if he's a prat only occasionally.

It is OKAY to be upset by drinkers disrupting family life with no warning.

Wardrobespierre · 21/02/2016 09:11

I think if it's a one off, your sleep deprivation is probably making it all seen worse than it is. It is frustrating that he didn't let you know but he might have assumed you were asleep or really just not thought of it as you knew where he was and who he was with. Did you contact him at any point? Did he know you were lying awake worrying?

Occasionally plans change and I can't see anything malicious or revenge-worthy in any of it.

Inertia · 21/02/2016 09:17

I hope he's up and dealing with the tradespeople now.

To be honest I wouldn't have allowed him to sleep in the bed with DD there- I would have made him sleep on the sofa.

deregistered · 21/02/2016 09:20

I really don't get all the threads on here about a dh going out once in a blue moon on a bender. Then comes all the 'woe is me, I'm coping with x, y and z' i.e. just normal life.

He doesn't drink for weeks on end, he rarely goes out and he has a bad hangover a couple of times a year and you want revenge? I'm very glad my dh doesn't punish me for nights out and vice versa.

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 09:30

Yes, normal life. In OPs case normal life that her DH arranged, then opted out of, leaving it for her to deal with. That is the issue really, not that he went out and got drunk.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 09:34

The revenge thing was tongue in cheek, apologies if that didn't come across.

I don't "punish" him for nights out, I never have. As I've said a few times now, I have no problem with him staying out late. Its the saying he's going to do one thing and then deciding to do another with no communication that bothers me. Yes, its rare that he does this, but in all our years together I can categorically state that he has never once had to lie awake in the early hours of the morning wondering where I am because I told him I'd be back hours ago. I wouldn't do that to him. I'd like him to show me the same consideration that's all. We've had this conversation before and he's told me that he'll text me if plans change but he doesn't, the fact that it doesn't happen often doesn't make it right. I'm not saying he's a bad husband. I'm not going to LTB. I'm just annoyed.

OP posts:

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