Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH "it won't be a late one" (rant)

45 replies

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 03:45

DH went out "for a couple of drinks" at 7pm and staggered in at 2am. Before he left he made a point of telling me "it won't be a late one" as he has stuff to do tomorrow. He is not usually a big drinker (can take it or leave it most of the time, will go weeks without bothering) and doesn't go out often but when he does go out (especially with this particular group of friends) he reverts back to teenage boy status and doesn't know when to stop. The thing is, I have no problem with him staying out late as such. It's the fact that he told me he wouldn't he late (he volunteered that information, i didn't ask), we planned stuff for the next day and then he decided to roll in at 2am anyway that I find so inconsiderate.

DD(2) is suffering with her last two remaining teeth coming through so I got her into bed with me at about 1am having been up and down with her several times throughout the night. He woke her up when he staggered into our bedroom and tripped over his own feet. He then promptly passed out on the bed in all his clothes. So I can't sleep as I now have DD next to me, asleep again finally, but fidgeting and kicking me in the face every couple of minutes and DH the other side of her snoring like a fucking freight train

He will be completely useless tomorrow (one of the reasons he doesn't drink that often is that he gets terrible hangovers) so after having next to no sleep tonight I will no doubt be spending my Sunday enteraining a stroppy, teething toddler while he spends most of the morning in bed sleeping it off and most of the afternoon moaning theatrically on the sofa.

We are having a lot of work done to the house at the moment and DH has arranged for three separate tradespeople to come round and quote for jobs tomorrow morning. I don't even know what they're coming to quote for specifically and probably won't be able to answer any of their questions so will look like a twat if DH hasn't surfaced by the time they turn up. He had also promised to cook a roast lunch tomorrow (his idea) which I very much doubt will happen now. Not a big deal, I'm perfectly capable of cooking for me and DD but the point is that I think if you offer to do something nice for someone you should bloody well do it otherwise it's just an empty gesture.

AIBU to be mightily pissed off and perusing the 'petty revenge' thread for inspiration ?

OP posts:

Wardrobespierre · 21/02/2016 09:39

The op posted at a point where she had no idea if he was going to renege on plans or opt out. He'd had a spontaneous good time once in a blue moon. His thinking sounds careless as opposed to malicious. We all make small occasional mistakes. We're all human. Most of us don't have those choices picked apart by the internet and other people's clouded judgements.

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 09:45

Yes, careless. On this occasion OP is upset as her DH couldn't care less about how his actions impact upon her. Basically, he has acted selfishly and left her holding the baby (literally) and probably having to deal with stuff he arranged and then simply opted out of.

Like you, Yorksha, I have never left my DH wondering and am not surprised that you feel let down.

Moln · 21/02/2016 09:53

As I'm married to a recovered alcoholic I can completely relate to restinglawyer, or I can recall the times I would have. What you have today was my life a minimum of twice a week.

Seeing this is a one off, I would recommend going into him and waking him. Inform him you're going out with DD and remind him about the tradesmen. Leave it at that.

When you come back tell him you were annoyed at his lack of communication.

Mind you if he then blames you for 'making' him missed the tradesmen or look silly in front of them then there's an issue. But as it stands it's just an annoyance (and an understandable one).

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 10:05

"The op posted at a point where she had no idea if he was going to renege on plans or opt out."

I've known him for 15 years. In that time, whenever he has been hungover after a big night out he has taken to his bed or the sofa feeling sorry for himself for the day, whether he/we had plans or not. I assumed today would be no different and I don't think that was a wildly unreasonable assumption. As I acknowledged in my OP, fortunately it doesn't happen often.

Also, I didn't accuse him of being "malicious", I'm not so paranoid that I think he does this deliberately to spite me. I just think he was inconsiderate and that temporarily pissed me off.

OP posts:

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 10:10

"What you have today was my life a minimum of twice a week."

Moln, that sounds awful and I'm in no way suggesting that my situation is comparable with yours, or with restinglawyer's. I am simply suggesting that he was inconsiderate last night and that it annoyed me.

OP posts:

Moln · 21/02/2016 10:28

Wasn't suggesting it was!! Sorry didn't mean to come across like that, it was more that I 'get' restinglawyers' spots. Though I admit it was somewhat a 'don't blow it out of proportion' kind of message. Yes he was inconsiderate.

Life was shit for me; it isn't now.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 21/02/2016 10:29

"I have no problem with him staying out late. Its the saying he's going to do one thing and then deciding to do another with no communication that bothers me."

YANBU for that at all, it would bug me too. I don't care if a partner goes out and stays out late. Or even if he comes home shit-faced, provided he can still look after himself. All I ask is that if he says he'll be home at say 11pm then changes his mind he lets me know. That way I can relax in the knowledge he's having a late one rather than lying in bed wondering what's happened and hoping everything is OK. Also that if he has made arrangements for the following day that he will be in a fit state to do them.

I had an ex that turned a quiet night out with a mate into a massive binge-drinking session, came home in a right state, collapsed on the lounge floor before puking on the rug, all in the knowledge we had booked a day out/pre-paid experience for the following morning (in just a couple of hours). Of course he was in no fit state to do that or to contact the bloke and cancel, so I was the one who had to call him. I am perfectly capable of not going mad on a "school night" because I understand that will have a negative impact on the following day. I expect a partner of mine, a grown man FFS, to be able to do the same.

Moln · 21/02/2016 10:29

'Spots' should be post.'

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 10:33

Glad to hear things are better for you now, Moln

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 21/02/2016 10:35

I would ask him now, what is he doing about the tradespeople and roast dinner that he had planned, I have had no sleep due to little one so he needs to get up and look after her now whilst I rested.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 11:11

He's currently in the bathroom being sick, Doreen. I went in there earlier and there was a takeaway box with the remnants of a half eaten kebab left on the side of the bath. I removed the offending article but the smell has lingered and I think it might have tipped him over the edge! The tradespeople either haven't turned up or I suppose it's possible he may have phoned and cancelled them this morning while I've been downstairs with DD.

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 21/02/2016 11:14

I also don't get the angst over a rare night out. Surely you could have dealt with the tradesman, women can do that you know.

Remind him he owes you a lunch another day and let him sleep it off.

Presumably he picks up the slack when you go out without moaning about it.

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 11:18

It's one night out. I don't get the angst over it. Surely you can manage for one day. Have you never been out, decide you'd like to stay longer and come home later?

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 11:34

"Surely you could have dealt with the tradesman, women can do that you know."

I do know, thanks. But on this occasion I had no idea what kind of tradespeople they were, which jobs they were coming to quote for (we are working on a few rooms/projects simultaneously) except that there something related to the room which will be DH's study, which obviously he knows better than me what he wants/needs in there. He just mentioned as he was on his way out last night and I was busy doing something with DD, something along the lines of "by the way I've got three guys coming in the morning to do quotes, I need to get my study sorted". Doesn't give me a lot to go on.

Also, as I've pointed out numerous times, there is no "angst" about him going out. He can go out whenever he wants. All I ask is that he make plans for the next day if he's going to renege on them due to bring hungover and that he text me if he is going to be several hours later than he origonally said so thayt I don't worry. It would also be nice if he could not wake up our DD at 2am and not keep me awake all night with his snoring when he could easily sleep in the spare room. Him having a night out was not the issue.

If I go out, I let him know if I'm going to much later than expected, I don't wake up DD when I come home and I manage to take care of myself and parent my child the following day. If for some reason I didn't manage to do any of the above, I would understand if DH were temporarily annoyed with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 21/02/2016 11:35

that he not make plans if he's going to renege on them

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 21/02/2016 11:39

Surely you could have dealt with the tradesman, women can do that you know. Really? I thought we were genetically predisposed to cry at the ver sight of them!

Pah!

Iggi999 · 21/02/2016 12:41

Could this situation be reversed? For myself I know there is no way in hell that the dcs would leave me alone if I was trying to sleep a bad night off, and there would be things that "only I" could deal with/know the answer to whereas dh could have an uninterrupted lie. If he drinks like a teenager that's his choice, but the next day should not be a write off.

LastOneDancing · 21/02/2016 14:12

I completely get where you're coming from Yorksha - my DH is the same, rarely out but when he does it always has to turn into a ridiculous session ending in him being a useless nob for a day and a tired, mardy twat for a week.

I missed the royal wedding (oh yes, I had my special coffee mug ready and everything) to go and meet a structural engineer my DH had arranged but was too hungover to follow through his plans. I'm still incredibly bitter .

You're allowed to be annoyed. It doesn't matter that he's not an alcoholic and 99% of the time is a great bloke. You can still roll your eyes occasionally at this 'quirk'.

wibblypig1 · 21/02/2016 14:54

My DH does this occasionally - the last time we were due at a christening the next day. "I'm driving so it won't be a late one" turned into a 3am stumble home, with his mate propping him up at the door to get his keys out his pocket and him falling in through the door. He woke up with eyes like pissholes in snow, puked his guts up and stunk of rancid wine. I was livid. I went without him, as it was a work colleague's family christening. He was lolloping all over the sofa when I got home, and then went for a sleep. How I didn't fucking kill him I'll never know.

Sorry to hear you're going through it too, Yorkshire... Sometimes people can be such inconsiderate dicks. Oh, and yes, it was all the lads fault too and he never responds to texts either. I told him he was too old for it all now, and he needed to grow up. He was a bit mortified by that...

DoreenLethal · 21/02/2016 19:19

Surely you could have dealt with the tradesman, women can do that you know.

It's not the vagina stopping her, it's that she hasn't got a clue why they are coming. HTH.

Flip

1 2