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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband thinks I am...

35 replies

hedgehog01 · 18/02/2016 15:07

FIL called DH last night and said he needed to drop something off at ours today, didn't know when it would be. I said that was no problem, I'd be in and out around nursery runs and busy finishing off an urgent project at home. I'd offer him a cup of tea and toilet if I was in, he could leave object on doorstep if I wasn't around.

He's just left. It was really awkward. I was in, finishing off project frantically before collecting DC. I offered him a cup of tea but said it would have to be a quick one because I was finishing off some work.

He said yes, then looked at his shoes and clearly decided he couldn't be bothered to take them off, so said he wouldn't stay. I said, no problem, I'd see him soon. All very friendly, but I was a bit more upfront than I would normally be. Usually I would have said, don't worry about the shoes on this occasion, but he's got form for putting his shoes on our sofa (I've posted before!) and I feel that we've now got him 'trained' to take shoes off etc. and didn't want to mix messages. My DH thinks I was being unfair. AIBU?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/02/2016 15:09

You didn't do anything!

But, if you're busy, don't tell people they can have a quick cup of tea. That's your working time and people shouldn't feel they can just call in for a chat whenever they want to.

Arfarfanarf · 18/02/2016 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2016 15:10

Unreasonable for what?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 18/02/2016 15:11

I think YABU. What a lot of fuss over nothing. Can't believe you'd risk bad feeling over shoes on a couch.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2016 15:11

Oh, for not having a cup of tea with him? No, not unreasonable at all.

Gazelda · 18/02/2016 15:11

I think you were welcoming. He knew that you have a 'no shoes' rule and decided not to stay. His choice. I presume you didn't say 'you can have a quick cuppa if you take your shoes off'.
You were not BU.

SquidgeyMidgey · 18/02/2016 15:11

YANBU if he can't be bothered to take his shoes off that's his call.

spanky2 · 18/02/2016 15:12

You were clear with everyone you were busy. If he'd wanted a longer visit wouldn't he have asked when you were free to receive him. You're right about the shoes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/02/2016 15:13

What does DH think you're U for? It's rude to wear shoes in a house when you've been asked not to, so you and FIL both followed social convention and everyone's a winner.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 18/02/2016 15:31

Thank you! I definitely feel like it's not OK for women to be busy working, but it's fine for men. If my DH was at work and couldn't chat to FIL (occasionally stops by), he'd tell him that. Or maybe it's a work-from-home thing.

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 18/02/2016 15:42

You weren't being unreasonable at all. Were you expected to stop and play hostess or summit?

QuiteLikely5 · 18/02/2016 15:45

Your dh is his son..........need I say more

partialderivative · 18/02/2016 15:50

I think you may have made it clear that he wasn't welcome at that time

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 18/02/2016 15:52

To be honest, if he'd come later in the day, DC would have been around and I would have been more relaxed (would have finished project). But that didn't suit his plans, which is fair enough.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/02/2016 15:53

Has he got 20 million fastenings on his shoes and/or something that makes taking shoes off/putting them back on a problem for him?

If not, yanbu.

All I do think is odd is why would it have to be a quick cuppa?

Could you not have left him drinking it whilst you got on?

Or not offered at all or left him to make his own?

I'm assuming that your husband wasn't there at the time?

Perhaps he should have taken the day/afternoon off if his dad can't be left & you're busyHmm

Duckdeamon · 18/02/2016 15:55

Whether YWBU depends on the nature of the "urgent project" IMO. If it was paid work or an imminent tax return or fixing an essential appliance that's one thing, if it was something like putting up pictures or curtains YWBU!

AskingForAPal · 18/02/2016 16:03

YANBU! I get the "quick cuppa" offer. It means we'll both have a cup of tea then you will leave - whole thing takes 15-20 minutes and back to work. You meant "I haven't got an hour or two to sit round and put the world to rights". Not weird at all to make that clear. No weirder than "I've got time for a quick drink after work because I have to get the train at 7" or whatever.

HelloTreacle9 · 18/02/2016 16:08

I have had endless small incidences like this because I work mainly from home. My MIL would not dream of calling DH at work, but sometimes calls for "a chat" during my working day. I have to squeeze everything in to school hours, most days, and am always under huge pressure/deadlines, but end up feeling like a bad DIL.

FIL is a tradesman and has brilliantly helped us out on a few occasions; he gets that he and I are both at work when he's here, but sometimes MIL unexpectedly arrived too and it throws me into a tailspin because I often am really up against it but it seems so rude to not stop. She says she knows I'm "busy" but then the cup of tea/chat gets extended. It's quite stressful. I obviously need to learn to be more assertive. I think this is probably quite a female response.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 18/02/2016 16:18

Yeah, it's definitely a hazard of working from home. I really was up against it - paid work!

He's just quite elderly and physically inflexible re the shoes. I think he is irked by the no-shoe rule and makes a fuss over taking off his shoes to make a point. I know that seems mean, but I do think it's the case. The pavements around here are plastered in dog poo and spit. Nice!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/02/2016 16:30

So he thinks that YABU for not stopping work and rolling out the welcome mat with tea and cake for FIL?

Ask him if he would have stopped work for half an hour if FIL had gone to see him at work!

Oh and get caller display so you can avoid MILs calls after explaining to her that you will no longer be answering during your working hours.

Whatdoidohelp · 18/02/2016 16:34

I remember you! Yanbu. You were a nice host in that you had already explained you were going to be busy and you offers him a cup of tea. His issues. Not yours.

Pseudo341 · 18/02/2016 16:41

So you offered him a cuppa but he didn't want one if it meant taking his shoes off? That's just plain daft. YANBU.

Original poster
hedgehog01 · 18/02/2016 16:59

Thank you! I feel better now. I don't find DH's family easy at all, but want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 18/02/2016 17:07

YANBU!

My DM is disabled with chronic pain and finds it physically painful to remove her shoes, and walk indoors in just her socks: she has a long gadget shoe horn thingy that helps a bit, and takes her slippers!

Twitterqueen · 18/02/2016 17:11

what is it with taking shoes off? I'll do if I'm told to - and then never go back to that house again.