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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deceive DH about this?

38 replies

popmimiboo · 16/02/2016 06:46

DH is an absolute skinflint but we are far from poor and live well below our means. He earns a lot more than me.
DD1, 14, needs braces and where we live this is only partially covered by private health insurance.
Left the orthodontists with 2 quotes, one for metal braces, the other more discreet, white ceramic ones. The difference, over 3 years, is about £200. I just gave DH the quote for the ceramic ones as I know he will automatically go for the cheapest option, no questions asked. DD is ok about braces as lots of her friends have them but none have the metal ones. We can afford the ceramic ones and DH knows this, but he would not consider the idea of paying more for something non-essential.

Ok, I think I ABU but we have had enough rows just getting him to accept that DD actually needs braces at all and I can't be bothered with another money row.

Fwiw, he was absolutely fine about the price if the ceramic braces as he doesn't know about the other quote!

OP posts:
LordBrightside · 16/02/2016 06:48

He sounds like a total prick. Don't involve him in this decision. You are talking about £200 over 3 years. You surely don't need to check with him on such a decision.

Allgunsblazing · 16/02/2016 06:48

I would have chosen to do the same for my DD. The problem isn't what type of brace. The problem is your H.

Palomb · 16/02/2016 06:48

Yanbu at all. My eh is of a similar I'll and I'd do exactly the same :)

icklekid · 16/02/2016 06:50

If you can afford it I can see why you would just tell him a cost of ceramic. Obviously the fact that everything financial is an argument is a sad part of your relationship but just take care as I imagine it will get worse when /I'd dd wanted to go to university...

Ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2016 06:50

I think the other quote for metal braces managed to self destruct, didn't it? Wink

Scarydinosaurs · 16/02/2016 06:50

I'm sorry you've got to behave like this. He is not being reasonable to behave in such a way that it means you have to deceive him.

Original poster
popmimiboo · 16/02/2016 06:53

Icklekid -we absolutely don't row about everything financial and one of the reasons DH is so tight is because of the huge amounts he sets aside for our 3 DC's uni funds and driving lessons.
We have had many rows about orthondontists because he's convinced they are just out to rip us off and thinks DD is fine without braces!!

OP posts:
anklebitersmum · 16/02/2016 06:54

What quote for metal braces? Wink

YA D NBU and I too find it a little sad that you're having to hide that there's a cheaper option-especially when it's for your little girl.

Katenka · 16/02/2016 06:57

I kind of think Yanbu. But I also think yiur should have to do this.

My dh is what I call tight. But I wouldn't have to hide anything like this for him. I would tell him the reasons I am doing it. He knows when not to be tight.

His tightness has saved up for a surprise holiday so it's something I quite like Grin. But only because he doesn't take it to far.

Your husband is a prick if he would challenge this.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/02/2016 06:59

You shouldn't question yourself , forget the metal quote and go for ceramics.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 16/02/2016 07:00

YANBU-I do this with my mum a lot. She's a complete skinflint and it drives me insane.

LordBrightside · 16/02/2016 07:14

"about orthondontists because he's convinced they are just out to rip us off and thinks DD is fine without braces!!"

He's a nutcase.

liinyo · 16/02/2016 07:19

Seems ok,to me.

GruntledOne · 16/02/2016 07:29

He has a a bit of a point about orthodontists. We were told by one that DD needed braces though neither she nor we had ever noticed a problem. We decided to go for a second opinion and no. 2 said it was nonsense, so we did nothing. Several years later, no.2 has proved to be absolutely right.

thelastwingedthing · 16/02/2016 07:29

Don't feel guilty. No braces are comfortable but the ceramic ones won't rip her lips to shreds with quite as much efficiency as the metal ones.

Costacoffeeplease · 16/02/2016 07:33

It's pretty shit that he puts you in this position of having to lie, then feel bad and doubt yourself - and especially over something like braces - it's not like it's a new handbag for you or some other frivolity. This is about his child's teeth and how they'll look for the rest of her life, and how she'll feel for the next few years, and he'd quibble over £200???

I find that really disturbing

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/02/2016 07:36

I agree with what you're doing, tbh.

I guess if you've had 2 quote for orthodontistry, then it's unlikely that your DD doesn't actually need it, so that's one point; and if he's not quibbling at the actual cost (rather than comparative), then there's really no point in mentioning it at all Grin

Goingtobeawesome · 16/02/2016 07:36

My DH doesn't always agree that my children need private treatment. We took DS for one issue and is now being treated for another so he's sceptical but no way would he say I can't take them. If he did I'd ignore and rethink my whole marriage.

VulcanWoman · 16/02/2016 07:45

Yes, I agree, do what you have to do. I'm careful with money but some people take it too far, this is one of those times, I know someone like this, they're in the mode with blinkers on, they need a bloody good shake really.

BarbaraofSeville · 16/02/2016 07:46

£200 over 3 years when you can comfortably afford it is a tiny price to pay for what will probably be an enormous benefit to your DDs self esteem.

Knowing how much braces cost, I bet the difference in percentage terms is quite small - it's not like the metal ones are a fiver and the ceramic over £200 - it will be more like the metal ones being £1500 and the ceramic £1700?

MoonDuke · 16/02/2016 07:48

YANBU

My DH is a bit similar - he earns a lot (so do I but not like he does) and is very cautious about spending money (very poor background). We don't argue about money though as DH is ok spending sensibly on big ticket items (like our home), and he saves loads for our future/the DC's future, it's just on day to day spending where he tries to save money (i.e. own brand supermarket food, keeping old, holey t-shirts Hmm )

However, for everybody's sake I take "executive decisions" concerning some day to day spending. I never ask DH's permission to buy our DC's clothes/shoes etc.

In your case I'd definitely decide to opt for the slightly (% wise) more expensive treatment if that's what your DD wants.

MattDillonsPants · 16/02/2016 07:49

I don't think the poster who called him a "prick" is being very nice. Things like this don't make someone a prick.

People are different and spending money makes some anxious.

But I'd do the same as you OP.

PennyHasNoSurname · 16/02/2016 07:52

Yanbu. And if he ever realised and questions it "Well the metal braces were a no go anyways as they are hideous so there was never the option of making her wear them"

BarbaraofSeville · 16/02/2016 07:53

Does he buy himself the cheapest option for everything?

Most men have something that they like, whether it is cars, bikes, gadgets etc, generalising hugely. For whatever he is into, does he buy the cheapest version, or does he get what he wants/the expensive one? Or his he genuinley one of those people who buys absolutely nothing?

acasualobserver · 16/02/2016 07:54

My father was, shall we say, was somewhat cautious with the family finances. If my mother was ever questioned about a purchase he considered extravagant she simply replied, "Executive decision, dear" and refused to discuss it further.