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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to pay for wedding guest's accommodation?

27 replies

KensingtonLou · 15/02/2016 17:33

DP and I getting married next year. We live in the UK but are planning to get married in his home country (Northern Europe) the majority of guests will be from my side as I have a large extended family, and will be traveling from the UK.

My question is - AIBU to want to pay for people's hotel accommodation for the weekend? It's my choice to have a destination wedding and I know it's a big ask to ask people to book a day off work, pay to fly there etc. I don't feel comfortable asking them to cover hotels as an additional expense. And I want them to actually come!

Or is us paying for Friday-Sunday of food/drink/entertainment in a great venue enough?

FWIW I have consulted some bridal forums and the consensus is "Forking out for a hotel room is the least someone can do for your wedding" and "Don't get tied up in nonsense. It's so easy to think that we should do more for our guests (I am guilty of it too) but really, this is YOUR day and remember you need YOUR money for YOUR honeymoon too! :) x"

OP posts:

RubyRoseViolet · 15/02/2016 17:37

If you can afford it and it's something you'd like to do then why not? I think it's very kind and generous. I would do the same for my wedding if I could afford it. It is very expensive for people to attend weddings and I also feel a bit bad about that!

Chattymummyhere · 15/02/2016 17:37

Why is the wedding being outside the UK if the bigger share of family is in it?

Anyway I think if you want to ensure as many people as possible turn up then pay for the hotels otherwise expect quite a few who cannot afford too go due to costs of everything.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 15/02/2016 17:37

I'd not expect people to pay for flghts, food or accommodation so if there had been a reason we needed to get married abroad it would have been tiny so we could cover those costs.

Luckily, we didn't need to and used a local venue. We did pay for night taxis for those who wanted to drink.

Katenka · 15/02/2016 17:38

It depends.

Can they really not afford to pay for it?

Do you really want all of them there?

If it was my family I would have paid for my brother and his wife and kids and my parents. As I wouldn't have wanted to get married without them.

I wouldn't have paid for all my cousins who I only invited to keep the peace. Or mums sisters who are both married to millionaires.

Obviously it would depend on wether you can afford it too.

Salmotrutta · 15/02/2016 17:38

This really is your choice OP.

It's very generous of you to think of paying for the accommodation and if you can afford it and want to do it then you shouldn't bother about what some daft bridal forum says.

Katenka · 15/02/2016 17:39

Oh and yes when getting married abroad you have to expect many people won't come. It's not always about money.

badtime · 15/02/2016 17:40

YANBU.

Anyone who thinks that paying for a trip (that they may or may not be able to afford!) is 'the least someone can do for your wedding' is BVU.

I think this would be a nice gesture, if you can afford it.

badtime · 15/02/2016 17:41

I would see if I could rent flats/houses rather than hotels to keep your costs more reaonable.

Osolea · 15/02/2016 17:44

If you can afford it then it would a lovely thing to do, but it's not something so important that you should get into debt or use money you need for a house deposit or something.

Hassled · 15/02/2016 17:47

What Osolea said - if you can manage it, and assuming the guests will have travel/airfare costs to meet themselves, then paying for the accommodation would be a nice gesture. But if they can afford the cost and you can't, don't make yourselves broke over it.

MissBattleaxe · 15/02/2016 17:47

I think it's very kind and considerate. Weddings abroad can be a big expense for guests and put them in the compromising position of either having to miss it, or spending more than they can afford so as not to lose face.

What a refreshing attitude OP!

HortonWho · 15/02/2016 17:49

I would do a compromise - try to find a stately home with rooms / boutique hotel type of place that could accommodate 10-20 rooms (depending on your party) and negotiate a deal. Then offer the guests subsidised (by you) rates, with bigger/biggest discount and first dibs going to your uk/from other countries guests.

That is assuming your venue will be within 2 HR drive of an airport and can be combined with a couple of days of touristy stuff for your uk guests. If it's nowhere near anything and a place no one would ever actually chose as a tourist destination, then yes - I'd try to arrange some sort of holiday house to rent for them.

nmg85 · 15/02/2016 17:51

We got married in the UK and paid for wedding party only however if I chose to get married abroad I may at least contribute to hotel costs

Sandbrook · 15/02/2016 18:02

It would not be considered unreasonable for you not to pay but lovely and very generous if you could afford it and did.
Although it may balance out overall for you as if I was invited to a destination wedding my cash gift would be smaller than a UK one day wedding. However, if the B&G paid for my accommodation for the weekend away I would be giving a bigger cash gift

Donthate · 15/02/2016 18:08

If you can afford to do it. If not people will decide whether to come or not

Toughasoldboots · 15/02/2016 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KensingtonLou · 15/02/2016 18:12

To the poster asking why abroad - good question, one DP has asked a lot! Before we met I was always really sniffy about destination weddings. Thought they were self indulgent etc. But then I met DP and I really love his culture. And I would love for my lot to experience a bit of it as I think they'd really like it too. Plus his parents come here for everything. Birthdays, Easter, they even spend every Christmas with my family. So I suppose I want them to have the opportunity to be on their home turf for once.

We can't not afford it - but it's still a very big chunk of cash so we do need to think about it carefully. Heavily subsidising the rooms is something to consider. Unfortunately no holiday lets in the vicinity, at least not of a standard I'd be happy putting people up in.

Thanks for all your responses - we've got a while to mull it over.

OP posts:

Dieu · 15/02/2016 18:14

I've never had travel or accommodation costs paid for when attending a wedding elsewhere. I wouldn't expect it either ... but would obviously be well chuffed if it turned out that way!

expatinscotland · 15/02/2016 18:15

I would if I could afford it.

ConesOfDunshire · 15/02/2016 18:29

You would be very kind and generous to do so. Your guests won't expect it and it will be a lovely gesture.

A tip, however - don't take bridal fora as a measure of what is normal or reasonable behaviour. With some apology for the massive generalisation, many are peopled by a critical mass of women who have gone entirely bonkers in preparation for their Speshul Day.

magicstar1 · 15/02/2016 18:42

Our wedding was about 1 hour from home. We paid accommodation for our parents, bridal party, relations and any elderly guests. It was appreciated by them all and we thought it was a nice thing to do.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 15/02/2016 18:48

How lovely, do offer!

We did offer. Unfortunately some relations took it the wrong way and thought we were being a bit patronising/uppity. We weren't, we were just conscious of the day off work (it was a Friday wedding), the cost of transport, the cost of London hotels etc. Some took us up on the offer but only after much persuasion from us.

You could also organise a local hotel to give them a 'half price" deal, with you subsidising the other half.

caroldecker · 15/02/2016 19:15

Normally weddings in Europe are much cheaper (drinks certainly are) so would the overall cost to you be more than the wedding in the UK?

scaredofthecity · 15/02/2016 19:22

We did for similar reasons. Was in England but some friends weren't at all local and didn't have much money. We didn't want it to stop them coming so paid for a job lot of rooms (was only at the local travellodge though as we're not exactly flush)
I think if you can afford it then why not at least subsidise

SignoraStronza · 15/02/2016 19:23

We had a family come to our wedding from abroad and, while they could easily afford it, we decided to pay the difference between the hotel's 'discounted' wedding party room rate and the massive suite that they would have been more comfortable in. I think that's a lovely idea OP.

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