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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re visitors for 2nd Dc?

51 replies

Onthedowns · 10/02/2016 22:07

Currently 32 weeks with number 2, have had crap pregnancy been in out of hospital . Thinking ahead regarding visitors and also remembering how some days it was horrendous with first DC , too many people on same day stayed to long etc! AIBU to set times or days for this one? Or is pfb ? I am mindful of my nearly 4 year dd who has been affected by my illnesses and also wanting us to bond as a family. My mil has form for turning up and sitting around for hours whilst drinking copious amounts of tea! Any recommendations?

OP posts:

ridemesideways · 10/02/2016 22:13

YANBU. The first few days / weeks are so important and you never get them back.

We told nobody I was in labour until after I'd given birth. Note on the door not to disturb just in case (homebirth).

Visits began on day 2 / 3 but not for longer than an hour. Wish I had tasked family / friends willing to help with certain jobs or bringing us a casserole!

If people don't like the rules they can lump it!

CaptainWarbeck · 10/02/2016 22:13

YANBU. Even if you say no more than one set of visitors a day or after an hour get your DH to get up and usher them out.

We did this and I don't care if it was PFB, it meant we had time and space to bond as a family in those very early days and I'd do it again.

Set your boundaries and enjoy your lovely new baby.

budgiegirl · 10/02/2016 22:32

YANBU, just limit visits to an hour or so at a time, and get your DH to tell his MIL to call in advance, not just turn up

BackforGood · 10/02/2016 22:33

It won't be such an issue - you don't get as much excitement about your 2nd or subsequent dc as you do about your first.

OfficeGirl1969 · 10/02/2016 22:59

As far as rules go....you will have pushed a person out of yourself....you can have things exactly as you wish! So if you would like to schedule visitor/non-visitor times then you flippin go for it!!!

chillycurtains · 10/02/2016 23:04

Your house, your rules. Note on the door. If you don't want to answer then don't. Side note: if you have a back gate, buy a padlock for it. Speaking from experience when FIL wandered round the back and scared the life out of me when I didn't answer the door.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 10/02/2016 23:20

YANBU. I hid for the 1st 2 weeks after DC4 was born. DC 1 & 2 were both in SCBU when they were born (5 days & 21 days) & everyone swarmed on me when DC3 got to come home at less than 12 hours old. This time I wanted just us & dc to have time with baby without people trying to wrestle the baby from me. Only my dad & my next door neighbour (because she'd helped with childcare during my rather protracted labour & she isn't 'grabby') met him before he was 2 weeks old. You don't have to answer the door or your phone!

What2 · 10/02/2016 23:29

I think it's nice to let people come and see a new baby if you can. They are so amazingly adorable when they are brand new it's just incredible, however that doesn't mean you need to let the visitors stay for very long.

I have found it easier to be straight with people as I've grown older. I would be happy to tell people that I'd like them to leave. I would be polite but firm.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 00:32

Thank you. I get the second child is not as exciting but we have large families. Some come in and help, I remember my mum just coming straight in a couple of times to wash up and take washing not stopping long enough for a cuddle. But one Saturday we had 6 people turn up same time in our tiny lounge! I had PPH and 3 unit blood transfusion, 5 day stay I hospital! I am more likely to put foot down where's DH feels bad especially where mil concerned

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 11/02/2016 01:04

We had a ban on visitors for the first fortnight.
Perfect

ampersandand · 11/02/2016 01:30

I'm still pissed off with my DPs family and how they turned up unannounced at the hospital just 7 hours after I had given birth. I hadn't slept in 2 nights and had sent DP home soon after the birth that morning so we could both catch up on sleep. They were confused as to why DP wasn't there, I had no problems telling them we had had no sleep etc and we needed to catch up, but the hint wasn't taken.
They then stayed in a hotel nearby and visited everyday for 3 days. This wasn't even 2 weeks ago, it ruined the first few days for me.
I wish we had stated before hand not to travel down the second they heard about his arrival and give us time to settle It's dc2 and it didn't happen like this the first time so I was a bit unprepared.
YANBU.

zippyswife · 11/02/2016 02:19

Yanbu.

I've got an 8 day old and I have been pretty much bombarded from day 1 with people asking to see him. I had a difficult pregnancy a c section and now I have mastitis and still people won't leave me alone. Worst of all it seems to be people I'm not even close to- distant cousins and the like.

Dh has another week off work and I really don't want it to be taken up with visitors so other than parents (we've had in laws staying past 2days) and our siblings I'm going to try to avoid visitors till dh returns to work.

Do what makes you happy- time to bond is important- this is your baby and your time.

ollieplimsoles · 11/02/2016 02:53

I know your pain op. I was so desperate to keep mil away I planned a hb so we could physically lock our door. When that didn't happen we said strictly no visitors to the ward staff.

Its really horrible that people seem to think your bit stops at the birth, as soon as baby is here it's a free for all.

You have to be absolutely firm with everybody. They must call in advance, no walk- ins and every visit has a time limit.

If people are hanging around too much, just take the baby upstairs, thats what I did, I was breastfeeding and I soon heard people leaving when they realised I wasn't coming back

hartmel · 11/02/2016 04:21

I did no visitor rule for both kids!
With first one I was in labour for 4 days and the hospital was over an hour away where we lived (where living at that time with my in laws, long story why.) so in laws waited till we where allowed going home on day 3.
So we called my mom couple hours later after my son was born so she could watch our son and I catch up on some sleep! And DH drove home to shower and also catch up on sleep!
Then the my sister in law with my mom came a week after my son was born to visit!

With our second my in laws lived abroad already and my parents where watching our son and came by for an hour to the hospital so DH could take our son home for the night...

My brother never understood why we where against visitors in the hospital!!

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 05:01

Thanks I feel more justified now! I can't believe some of your stories. I get babies are lovely but yes the other thing is DH is only off for 2 weeks I hadn't thought of that! People do think it's a free for all!

OP posts:

Junosmum · 11/02/2016 05:28

YADNBU. We did this with DC1. I say 'we' but in reality I said it DH did it!

I also breastfed so when it got too much or people weren't getting the hint I just grabbed DS and disappeared upstairs with a "this'll take while, you'll be gone before I'm done so I'll say good bye now" even though I was actually perfectly happy feeding in front of people. Most people were fine about it and were told before arriving that they could stay for x amount of time or until a certain time. The only people who didn't respect that were our best friends and I just said we were tired could they leave and they were fine with it.

We also had a limit on the number of visitors and didn't open the door/ DC and I were "in bed" if we got unexpected visitors.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 09:35

I think a 2/3 day ban sounds a good idea!

OP posts:

araminem · 11/02/2016 10:37

When I had DS last year I was in hospital for 4 days so only my DH's parents visited. When I went home anyone who wanted to visit was tasked with bringing dinner/lunch for the day! It worked beautifully! They came and saw the baby. They brought us food. They enjoyed playing with DS while my DH and I ate dinner. But then no one suggested to come and sit around.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 11/02/2016 11:48

DH and I had best friends visit the day I got home from hospital as they were passing through and they are really lovely. The wife knew I'd find flowers a waste so she came with a 12 box of Coke Zero and a big tub of Haribo Those are my kind of visitors.

DH knew that if I was going upstairs to feed it definitely meant I was staying up there until everyone was gone (we didn't need to use this in the end). But he knew that was the plan.

If your DH finds it hard to say no to his mum, then he needs to put her to work too so her visit isn't just her sat on the sofa. Maybe she could take DC1 to the park or cinema (DD liked having some 1-2-1 time with anyone available and she was soon bored of the newborn!). Obviously there's the usual meal making or DH could get her doing the ironing (even if you'd rather she didn't do yours, she could do DH's and DC1's bits), run the hoover around, play hostess to other visitors etc. She's time limited or useful.

waxweasel · 11/02/2016 12:09

Hello! I'm also 32 weeks with DC2. We were inundated first time round, and it was awful. A few family members really didn't cover themselves in glory with their inconsiderate behaviour, and have shown no interest in DD since, so we won't be bending over backwards to accommodate them early on. The people who have been a constant and interested presence in DD1's life will get to visit, not just the ones who want a glory visit to a new baby they clearly aren't even that arsed about.

What we found hardest was all our many friends wanting to visit. We are the first amongst them to have kids, so it was a bit of a novelty and they all wanted to come after work. So for weeks and weeks and weeks we had to accommodate all these evening visitors who would come and sit for hours, at exactly the point I was shattered and rooted to the sofa cluster feeding or pacing around with a wailing angry baby. And they never did anything helpful like bring dinner. It was awful. This time I'm hoping most of them don't care as much and don't feel obliged to visit (that was the worst thing - they didn't really care about babies, they just felt obliged to pretend they were interested by visiting, and we felt obliged to let them). And this time, I'll use DD1 as an excuse - they're still all childfree so have no clue what is/isn't doable around a toddler's bedtime, so if I say evenings are out for that reason they'll just believe it.

I'm also planning to use my parents and ILs as a gatekeeper to more distant relatives - tell them that they are the go to contact for mad aunty Jean wanting to visit or whoever, and their job is to fob her off on our behalf.

Hope you manage to keep everyone at bay!

Quoteunquote · 11/02/2016 12:41

We prioritised sibling and parent bonding (and undistubed)skin to skin time , gave baby time to adjust and establish feeding. After number one, it really worked for us and baby(s),

Family and friends can wait, do what suits you because it really does matter.

Friends recently decided not to tell anyone they had had the baby (first)and had a week in a nearby seaside cottage on leaving hospital, they came to parenthood, and felt they needed to find their own rhythm and adjustment before inviting in all the other interaction, they believe it was the best thing for them, and no one minded , baby was just as exciting to meet a few days later.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 12:45

waxweasel We were the same people that have visited DD a handful of times since her birth will want to be first to see a newborn, but this time I will put my foot down and yes evening visitors were the worst! This time we will have DD to sort out! So can use that !

OP posts:

HandsoffGary · 11/02/2016 12:49

Phones off, arrange set visits and of MIL is hanging around send her out to the shop to get something then make sure that you are not all sitting around when she gets back. Maybe send DH to the park and you be bathing baby etc?

dobbythedoggy · 11/02/2016 12:56

37+1 with dc2 and planning to do exactly as I bloody well please this time around. Depending on how things go I might have mil/fil, dh's aunty for a very quick peek at the baby in hospital or in the first couple of days at home. But really will be for a look/quick cuddle and limmited to 20-30 mins max. If this doesn't work we're not planning to invited visitors until after day 10 or when I've been discharged by the midwife. (Baby will actually be same size as when they were born at that point so don't understand the argument of seeing them when they are tiny!)

My mum and dad, or sister and her patner are going to be looking after dd so all being well who ever has her will be bringing to meet bump. Mum and dad will be in and out as needed as they will actually be helpful and my sister may well take dd out for treats. Dbil1 will probably pop in and entertain dd.

If I feel up for keeping up our normal groups we will be doing it regardless of it meaning x, y or z friend meets bump before family.

I expect certain local friends will pop in for very breif visits. They are welcome to as they are the type of people who won't expect to come in regardless of if it's a bad time.

With dd we did the whole keeping it 'fair' and 'see how it goes' thing and dh's family completely ignored us and made life very stressful. So this time, I'm doing what is best for my recovery and dd addapting to a new sibbling. Dh's mum is going to be ALL about the new baby and I actually want my privacy while having interminate things like stiches being removed! Not a group of people hovering outside my bed room door while I'm trying to have a private conversation with the midwife because baby is in with us. So we're not even going to disscuss visiting until I'm ready for them. Dh he has no problem with saying no this time but if he can't I'm going to and not worry about keeping the peace.

Gmil is not seeing baby until we are ready to visit mil's house. She doesn't invite me or dd into her house since her behaviour made her unwelcome in ours.

riverboat1 · 11/02/2016 13:43

I don't even understand why people are so keen on visiting a newborn. They do nothing and are not interesting! And you just know the mother is exhausted and sore and probably wanting to lie around not trying to look half decent or make conversation. Much better to visit a few months in when the baby starts to get more interesting and parents have had time to adjust and mum is possibly craving company after getting bored of being on her own during maternity leave.

All IMO of course! I am quite possibly not a representative example

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