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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re visitors for 2nd Dc?

51 replies

Onthedowns · 10/02/2016 22:07

Currently 32 weeks with number 2, have had crap pregnancy been in out of hospital . Thinking ahead regarding visitors and also remembering how some days it was horrendous with first DC , too many people on same day stayed to long etc! AIBU to set times or days for this one? Or is pfb ? I am mindful of my nearly 4 year dd who has been affected by my illnesses and also wanting us to bond as a family. My mil has form for turning up and sitting around for hours whilst drinking copious amounts of tea! Any recommendations?

OP posts:

What2 · 11/02/2016 13:46

I don't even understand why people are so keen on visiting a newborn ...but they are sooooooo cute and they have that adorable scrunched up look. I am not interested in babies at all but new ones are adorable. I think they are designed that way

Hihohoho1 · 11/02/2016 13:54

Hi op,

This is so real for us just now because lovely dil is due in a few weeks her first.

I have primed my ds to completely control visitors, my fear is they have loads of friends with no children who are scattered around the country and are thrilled by the imminent arrival which of bourse is lovely.

However I remember our misery at constant visitors for dc1 and by dc 4 we had it taped.

My dh banned all visitors for a week except for parents who were allowed in on day 1 to see baby and then nothing for the rest of the week.

We have told our ds it's their time to bond. People are do bloody stupid over newbies. Thru shouldn't be parcels to hand around and the new parents need to bond with the baby.

Her parents don't gone a crap and she knows we will visit and cook/clean/iron/wash and shop but never sit on our arses holding our grandchild while they make endless tea. but only when invited
Makes my blood boil.

Anyway get your dh to be very very upfront from the state and say you will love people up visit but not in the first week as you need family bonding time.

Ignore the door if people drop by. They have been told and if they choose up ignore thru are neither friends or people who value your feelings.

Be very very direct.

Good luck op.

Hihohoho1 · 11/02/2016 13:56

Also when in dought keep all curtains closed.

It takes a particular type of cunt to knock the door in those circumstances.

100% support a baby moon.

Hihohoho1 · 11/02/2016 14:02

ZippiesWife

What is wrong with people.

Poor you but don't try not to have visitors put the word around no visitors allowed and stick a note on the door to that effect and dont answer

If we as soon to be grandparents god the first ying can control ourselves because we love our ds and dil your bloody second cousins can go fuck off.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 14:14

Thanks this is what my mil did came in sat down most days whilst we or my DH ran round making tea! Don't expect jobs to be done but not all afternoon morning I don't think it's fair! Trouble is I think my DH will see it differently as its his mother

OP posts:

Hihohoho1 · 11/02/2016 14:22

I can't understand how any woman who has given birth can be so stupid!

Could your own mother be an advocate for you op? Must say I think your dh should support you not his mother in this.

Hihohoho1 · 11/02/2016 14:25

Can you invent a mild infection post baby that requires you and baby to exclude visitors on medical advice?

As a district nurse I came up that that one for a patient and it worked a treat.

waxweasel · 11/02/2016 14:33

Ha, my ILs (who are normally lovely and helpful!) were the worst! They came on day 3 or 4, all of them (4 in total) and stayed the whole day. DH told them not to worry about bringing stuff for us, but just to make sure they brought food and drink for themselves as we wouldn't be able to cater for them. They turned up and brought literally nothing, treated it like a big party and ate everything in our fridge. Then sent DH out to buy them beers honestly, I'm still fuming about it!!!

waxweasel · 11/02/2016 14:40

Equally annoying were my two grandmothers (neither elderly - mid 70s and active). One turned up, brought her PITA no kids but full of advice mate, and just wanted to sit all afternoon on the sofa drinking tea with the baby lying on a pillow on her lap. Except DD didnt sleep, even as a newborn, and wanted to be held upright and jigged about. Said GM then asked to come back every day for the next 3 days as she was staying in our town with said PITA friend. This was like days 2-5 post birth. We said no.

Second GM turned up for the afternoon and was all martyr 'oh I don't want to be any trouble' while simultaneously being a lot more trouble in doing so. She came to see us as a day trip despite it being a 10 hour round trip. We had warned her it wasn't really do-able and suggested she stay locally. She did it anyway and moaned the entire visit about how tiring the journey was. We offered food in advance, she said 'oh no I dont want to be any trouble' then turned up starving as she hadn't bothered to sort herself out any lunch en route. So DH had to dash to M&S which she had already passed and get her lunch. Then she sat round all afternoon drinking tea and being waited on in the manner of DGM1 above. FFS. Neither is welcome this time.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 18:17

All of the above sound similar!! To my first dc

OP posts:

Paintedhandprints · 11/02/2016 20:48

My mother was the worse. I said no visitors for the first week. Unbeknown to me she had said to my sisters 'that doesnt include me'. Yes it bloody did! She was the one it was aimed at. She lives 2hrs away, by my choice. So i was 9 days overdue and she rang constantly before and after due date asking if i had had ds yet. So annoying. Then i was induced. Welet her know i was going in. Big mistake. Phoned constantly. Can i visit. I was in for 3days with infection risk, potentially 2weeks. I couldnt sleep on the ward and was pretty out of it. She booked herself into a hotel for 4 days. Came round ours first thing in the morning and left around 7 to watch corrie. Wanted to be waited on with constant cups of tea. Poor dh wasted half pat leave running around after her when he was trying to help me. I was struggling with a clusterfeeding baby and no sleep. She only came so she could claim to be the first to see ds. Friends in rl don't believe my mother is so unhelpful. Pil in contrast, waited a month or so before visiting. Mil made me cups of tea, etc.
Db and sil are expecting in may, my mother phoned to complain how she wouldn't be the 'dominant grandmother' (exact words!) because they're moving 7hr drive away to live in sil home town. She's also full of irrelevant parenting advice such as to suggest weaning onto full christmas meals by 3mo, like a cousin. Ds was apparently slow to walk at 10mo because her uncle walked at 7mo. He should be potty trained now because my sis was by 1yo. Grr.

Paintedhandprints · 11/02/2016 20:50

Sorry. Didn't mean to derail.

ChoudeBruxelles · 11/02/2016 20:52

Visitors not allowed to hold dc until they've done a job.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 11/02/2016 20:55

Paintedhandprints Not st all its really interesting! I approached subject this evening with DH and as expected wasn't keen on banning his mil

OP posts:

unimaginativename13 · 11/02/2016 21:11

No visitors until DH went back to work! His paternity was taken up with hospital visits as it was so visitors understood. DS also was a little poorly (but not that poorly) so felt I could use that as an excuse for a while.

TBH he slept alllllll the time so I was glad of the company. Everyone booked in a time, and we didn't allow more than two visits in a day.

By the second week at home I was itching to get out so was a lot easier to suggest meeting people for lunch on my terms and didn't have to worry about the house looking straight.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 12/02/2016 02:15

I think this will be my issue I will probably do more with help when my DH goes back to work!

OP posts:

Monty27 · 12/02/2016 02:20

FFs YANBU. Stay in your room with the baby. Door shut. Whilst they clean, cook and spoil you rotten. she who had a MIL looking over her shoulder while bf-ing to see if the baby was feeding

Original poster

Onthedowns · 12/02/2016 06:31

Thanks I have started laying foundations with DH but he thinks am being unfair and family should be allowed!!!!

OP posts:

Sorebigtoes · 12/02/2016 06:35

We were in hospital a long way from home with newborn v sick baby on specialist paed ward and us and our 3 year old in family accommodation and MIL came to visit. DH had to collect from train station, get her lunch, cups of tea, etc then return her to station. Was awful. She wanted one last cuddle before she left but, conveniently, he needed a nappy change...

Soooosie · 12/02/2016 06:58

Text them when the baby's born and say we are going to lay low and have quiet time without visitors. However we would live you to pop round for an hour tomorrow and again on Saturday.

Then after an hour stand up and say 'it was lovely seeing you'. Baby and I are going upstairs now

Soooosie · 12/02/2016 07:00

Tell DH a happy new mum equals a happy baby

YouTheCat · 12/02/2016 07:32

Tell your dh that when he does the giving birth bit he will get to decide who can visit but until then he can shut up and look after his wife and newborn.

waxweasel · 12/02/2016 08:30

I like YoutheCat's response honestly, my DH doesn't think he has the right to a strong opinion on anything childbirth/immediate post-birth related. Not because I've made him feel that way, but because he's a reasonable man and sees that it's me going through a massive ordeal - not him - so it's all about what I'm happy with. He says he's grateful I'm willing to have any children at all as if it was him having to go through pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding he would refuse and would suggest we get a dog instead

Original poster

Onthedowns · 12/02/2016 10:22

I will try this he had been pretty good but where his dad isnt around I think he over compensates with his mum!

OP posts:

Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 12/02/2016 12:40

You are sooooooo NBU!!!!
I am so fucking annoyed at the way my maternity leave was mis-spent looking after visitors. My family and friends live at the opposite side of the country so each came to stay for 5-7 days at a time to "make the journey worthwhile". We literally had guests every week for the first 12 weeks with about 2-3 days to turn around between. Guests expected to be treated as guests and never did any washing or contributed to the food bill or tidied up after themselves. To cap it off, my husband had a knee op on week 6 so left me with all the running around (not great with healing grade 3 tear although not his fault). My fucking grandmother did the whole martyr "I won't be any trouble" thing as well - whilst simultaneously walking round the house eating toast without a plate and asking to be taken out every day for a trip as "well, this is like a little holiday for me". The only people I actually wanted to see (my sister and her family) didn't get to meet the baby for ages as we were too booked up with people we weren't bothered about. Wish I had just had the balls to say no. They are all wanting to come back up this year (basically to use our house like a fucking free hotel) and see him again but I've put my foot down as I'm working full time now (shifts) and weekends and holidays are precious.
Stand you ground! !!

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