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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To decide where DD goes to secondary school?

41 replies

CityFox · 08/02/2016 09:15

DD is due to start secondary school in September.

She would like to go to the same school as his best friend but I want him to go to a different one.

They are both state schools, her choice is 'good' academically and my choice is 'outstanding'. I know that at her choice kids can be allowed to coast along to an extent. It is very large and has a pretty laid back, liberal ethos but amazing facilities.

Mine is smaller, more academic but has brilliant pastoral care and results.

DD is quite shy, a few girls from her school are going to my choice.

I attended DD's school choice myself and didn't have a great experience academically, nor did my brother or step sister who have all left more recently than me. Had a wild time socially though.

AIBU to decide?

OP posts:

AnotherCider · 08/02/2016 09:21

YANBU at all for choosing the best school for your daughter. I've been making it very clear to my DSs that we will be choosing their secondary schools based on what is best for them, and not based on where their frends are going. I still anticipate arguments over it but they know from the outset that i won't budge on this view. Fortunatey their current school supoorts this view.

Katenka · 08/02/2016 09:21

Surely you have already sent the application in? It will be down to admissions to decide now.

Ludways · 08/02/2016 09:22

Yanbu, however don't underestimate the power of a friendship. I went to a different secondary school to my friends and never recovered. I was shy so couldn't find a way to get into a new friendship group, when they all had established groups forged in their own primary schools.

Shutthatdoor · 08/02/2016 09:23

YANBU however the forms should have been in last year?

Original poster

CityFox · 08/02/2016 09:24

Yes, already applied, my choice first and hers second.

OP posts:

ChaosTrulyReigns · 08/02/2016 09:25

Surely the preference firms were due in months ago? Unless of course your favourite school is an Indy? That would make the OP make sense.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 08/02/2016 09:26

Sorry, criss posted, and re read the OP.

Does your DD know which order you put the schools in?

Seeline · 08/02/2016 09:27

YANBU to have the final say but
Make sure you are picking the best school for your DD - that may not be the one with the higher OFSTED rating. Which one offers the best facilities/extra curricular/support for the things she is interested in/needs help with.
Do not rely on your experience (or family) experience of a school, unless it is within the last couple of years - schools can change very quickly. I hope you have visited them both recently.
Your DD will learn best when she is happy - friendship is important, as well as her ability to feel comfortable at her school.
Take all this into account and then make the decision.

Original poster

CityFox · 08/02/2016 09:27

One of the things that makes me a bit hesitant about her best friend is that she is a lot more grown up than DD. She goes shopping with her friends, wears make-up, has pretty much everything she wants. The way she speaks to her mum is shocking, that is my main bug bear.

OP posts:

Katenka · 08/02/2016 09:29

There is no point arguing with her about it then.

The application is in. It's not a choice either of you get to make.

You could agree with her that her choice would be better but it isn't going to effect the decision.

If you had asked before applying I would have said not to underestimate friendships at that age. It's hard going to a new school if all the students know eachother and you don't.

But I wouldn't say Yabu. You need to do what you think is best. As long as you have considered all the factors.

Micah · 08/02/2016 09:30

Its done now though? She wont get a place at her choice if she gets a place at yours as its higher preference.

So nothing you or she (or mumsnet) can do about it

NewLife4Me · 08/02/2016 09:32

YANBU and should have the final say.
However, I do think you should take her concerns or opinions on board when choosing.
I think most children want to go to the school their friends are going to, unless they are very secure and confident to go in knowing nobody.
My friend was very dictatorial where her dd was going and wouldn't even listen to her dd, it did seem to take a long time for her to settle.
I think if you open up discussions and help them to see the bigger picture they are more likely to settle and agree with your reasons.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/02/2016 09:33

Have one in senior school - I think it does them good to mix things up and make new friends - your DD don't sound very comparable!! (Your DD will be dumped in weeks)

Stick with your choice -

juneau · 08/02/2016 09:41

YANBU at all. She's 11 (I assume) and you're her DM. You know best.

usual · 08/02/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecitydoc · 08/02/2016 09:45

you should make the choice. When I was going to secondary school I wanted to go to the local comprehensive with all my friends, my dad wanted me to go the grammar school where he went. He got his way and I cried all through the summer holidays as I was the only one going to the grammar school from my school, so I would know no one on day 1. By the end of 1st week I had made new friends - we still keep in contact - and I would not have achieved all I have had I gone to the local comp. I went to a top university and have had a very successful career, whereas my friends from local school achieved few exams and did less well in the labour market. n most cases like this I would say parents know best.

caitlinohara · 08/02/2016 09:51

YANBU, it would be unreasonable to leave such a big decision to a child.

PatriciaHolm · 08/02/2016 09:53

Well, it's done isn't it?

there will be girls like her friend at the other school though, you know that right?!

OddBoots · 08/02/2016 09:55

My dd went to secondary with her friends but she barely sees some of them as they are in different houses so have lunch at different times and they are in different classes for lessons. I would focus on seeing if there is a shared interest or activity that could allow them to meet regularly out of school instead. Although as others have said the decision is made now anyway so all this is just helping her accept it all.

Wombat87 · 08/02/2016 10:01

My parents pulled rank over my secondary school choice, and I'm glad they did. I went to one of the best schools in our area (not including private). I'm grateful that they didn't let me choose my school based on friends I had at the time that I no longer see or hear from. The school I chose wasn't a good one, and I'd do they same with mine.

I didn't thank them at the time though

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/02/2016 10:08

She will want to go shopping with her friends soon enough. Doesn't matter what school she goes to,

What will you do then?

^^ This! You have every right to choose the best school for her, but you can't stop jer growing up!

Original poster

CityFox · 08/02/2016 10:16

It's not so much the shopping, rather the getting made up to do so. She's quite sporty and is happy to spend weekends reading or playing. She doesn't really like clothes or make up in the same way her best friend does.

I understand this will change, I just think 10 years old is a little young.

OP posts:

titchy · 08/02/2016 10:25

If the friend was your only reason for choosing the other school then yes yabu. Once they're at secondary school, primary friendships start to wain, and new ones are cultivated. You will have absolutely no control over who her new friends are. There may well be many who you will regard as growing up way too fast. It is also entirely possible that going to the other school with this friend gives her some security initially as she finds her way around, from which to gradually develop more like-minded friendships, whereas going to a school where she knows no-one means she'll grab the first friends she can, rather than getting to know people over a longer period of time.

So a rather long winded way of saying do not ever choose a school in order to avoid one particular child. Choose the school which offers the best education and opportunities for your child.

Original poster

CityFox · 08/02/2016 10:31

No absolutely not because of friend, I don't dislike her friend, I just think she's growing up a lot faster than DD.

I had decided on my choice before I knew which school her friend was going to.

I think you can do well at her choice, if you choose to, if you would rather coast along then that's fine too...

OP posts:

Original poster

CityFox · 08/02/2016 10:32

She does have a few friends going to my choice, they are pretty good friends too, not just acquaintances.

OP posts:

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