To decide where DD goes to secondary school?

[CityFox]

DD is due to start secondary school in September.

She would like to go to the same school as his best friend but I want him to go to a different one.

They are both state schools, her choice is 'good' academically and my choice is 'outstanding'. I know that at her choice kids can be allowed to coast along to an extent. It is very large and has a pretty laid back, liberal ethos but amazing facilities.

Mine is smaller, more academic but has brilliant pastoral care and results.

DD is quite shy, a few girls from her school are going to my choice.

I attended DD's school choice myself and didn't have a great experience academically, nor did my brother or step sister who have all left more recently than me. Had a wild time socially though.

AIBU to decide?

[SpotOn]

Yanbu. You are the parent.

[Marynary]

mine are all older now marynary. no resentment at all. dc pleased with their choices both of school, gcse, and a levels. teenagers can throw it back in your face equally "well it was your choice not mine that's why I don't like it" cant they?

Err well that was my point. You suggested that OP should be aware that her child may resent it if she choose the school rather than letting her child choose and I was pointing out that the child may be resentful if you let them choose if they later feel that they weren't mature enough at the age of 10 to make the decision.
Choosing GCSE and A levels is rather different as they are a lot older.

[DinosaursRoar]

If your first choice is an outstanding school and second choice (hers) is only ranked good, then will there be a lot of competition for your first choice? Is there a chance you'll get the 2nd choice anyway? I'd tell her you've put both schools on the application form, both are excellent schools and while you think the school you like would be a better fit for her, you think she'll do well wherever she goes, and there's no point worrying about it now until you know what you've been allocated.

When it is, that's the school you have a place for and if she doesn't like it, at the end of year 7 you can try to move schools.

[mummymeister]

mine are all older now marynary. no resentment at all. dc pleased with their choices both of school, gcse, and a levels. teenagers can throw it back in your face equally "well it was your choice not mine that's why I don't like it" cant they?

I made my choice of senior school and everything thereafter with no parental input because they couldn't be arsed and didn't agree with girls being educated. I don't regret any of the decisions, I think it has just made me a lot more decisive now and better at weighing up the pros and cons of a situation - not a knee jerk decision maker.

as I said each person has their own style of parenting. mine works for us.

[YaySirNaySir]

Yanbu they will make friends wherever they go. We went with the very good pastoral care school, not much in it academically, but I particularly didn't like the feel of the slightly nearer school.
Dc nervous to begin with as only knew a couple of other kids going to the chosen school, but soon fit right in.
Glad we made the choice as we know a few parents that chose the school all their friends were going to, who have had no end of issues there.

[Marynary]

everyone parents differently because we all have different experiences and different children. just be aware that she may resent the school you chose for her and might not make the most of the opportunities

Equally when they are older they might resent a parent for letting them choose at the age of 10 when they didn't really have the maturity to do so.

[DadOnIce]

You're very lucky to have an actual choice between two secondary schools which are both good in their own way.

In many towns and a cities there isn't a choice - or there's not a meaningful one, or not one which is realistic when it comes down to transport issues, or not a choice between two schools you stand a realistic chance of getting into from outside catchment.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

Wow, judgemental much witch?!

[mummymeister]

we let our dc's choose. we took them around all the schools locally both state and private and discussed the pros and cons with them. 1 went to a school with a friend, one with no one else from junior and 1 with several friends. they are the ones that are going to have to work not me so it has to be somewhere that they want to go.

a couple of kids were made to go with eldest. they dropped out, one at 14 to go to a shockingly bad school (with boys) the other at 16. there has to come a point when you trust them to use their best judgement taking your views into account. same with gcses the dc's chose their subjects not me.

everyone parents differently because we all have different experiences and different children. just be aware that she may resent the school you chose for her and might not make the most of the opportunities that you can see that there are there because of this. you need to have your plan b and what you are going to say worked out in advance.

[Witchend]

I suspect if they're like that there's a good chance they won't remain friends for long at secondary.
Those that are already into makeup etc in year 6 very quickly seem to consider themselves too cool for those (nicer children) who don't.

[mummytime]

My experience: OFSTED ratings are not worth splitting hairs over (DCs school is outstanding and hasn't been inspected for 10 years, if it was under the new regime I'm not totally 100% it would still be "Outstanding"). Children sometimes spot things that parents miss - I listen to my children even if they can't explain totally clearly why they don't like a school - in some cases it is because teachers are good at talking to parents but not so good with children.
The experience of a school can vary massively between different children, the other children in the year and friendship groups can be a massive influence. (And my children have had vastly different experiences of just about everything: 3 children, DC1 followed 3 years later by DC2 followed 4 years later by DC3 - apart from a few familiar teachers everything changed.)

The amount of choice you have is minimal - you will be allocated a school, if it is your second choice but your DD's first choice, I'd probably go with it - as unless you can persuade her she is unlikely to be happy if you change it then.

[Marynary]

I think that children should be consulted as much as possible but ultimately if they are only ten, the final decision should be the parents. DD wanted to go to a secondary school miles away. I felt that a ten year old has little understanding of what a long commute each morning would be like so vetoed her choice (despite the fact that the school of her choice was very good). I know a few parents thought I was wrong to do that but I don't regret my (and DH's) decision at all.
I don't think my parents even asked me what school I would like to go to. They just assumed it was their decision to make.

[Katenka]

Is it quite easy to swop school in year 7 where you live?

Here it isn't. The schools all with travelling distance are over subscribed and in year transfers are difficult.

[CityFox]

Thanks Penny, I have said this exact thing to her. If she isn't happy at the end of year seven then we will re-evaluate.

[PennyHasNoSurname]

Choosing a secondary school is too bug a decision to make at age 11. Maturity brings with it the ability to see past the small things that seem huge to an eleven year old (friends, what the uniform looks like etc).

Pick the school you think best suits your child and the one whose ethos and practices you would find easiest to support.

I was told, as I will tell my dcs, that at the end of Year Seven if they feep the school isnt for them that we can re-evaluate.

[CityFox]

She does have a few friends going to my choice, they are pretty good friends too, not just acquaintances.

[CityFox]

No absolutely not because of friend, I don't dislike her friend, I just think she's growing up a lot faster than DD.

I had decided on my choice before I knew which school her friend was going to.

I think you can do well at her choice, if you choose to, if you would rather coast along then that's fine too...

[titchy]

If the friend was your only reason for choosing the other school then yes yabu. Once they're at secondary school, primary friendships start to wain, and new ones are cultivated. You will have absolutely no control over who her new friends are. There may well be many who you will regard as growing up way too fast. It is also entirely possible that going to the other school with this friend gives her some security initially as she finds her way around, from which to gradually develop more like-minded friendships, whereas going to a school where she knows no-one means she'll grab the first friends she can, rather than getting to know people over a longer period of time.

So a rather long winded way of saying do not ever choose a school in order to avoid one particular child. Choose the school which offers the best education and opportunities for your child.

[CityFox]

It's not so much the shopping, rather the getting made up to do so. She's quite sporty and is happy to spend weekends reading or playing. She doesn't really like clothes or make up in the same way her best friend does.

I understand this will change, I just think 10 years old is a little young.

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

She will want to go shopping with her friends soon enough. Doesn't matter what school she goes to,

What will you do then?

^^ This! You have every right to choose the best school for her, but you can't stop jer growing up!

[Wombat87]

My parents pulled rank over my secondary school choice, and I'm glad they did. I went to one of the best schools in our area (not including private). I'm grateful that they didn't let me choose my school based on friends I had at the time that I no longer see or hear from. The school I chose wasn't a good one, and I'd do they same with mine.

I didn't thank them at the time though

[OddBoots]

My dd went to secondary with her friends but she barely sees some of them as they are in different houses so have lunch at different times and they are in different classes for lessons. I would focus on seeing if there is a shared interest or activity that could allow them to meet regularly out of school instead. Although as others have said the decision is made now anyway so all this is just helping her accept it all.

[PatriciaHolm]

Well, it's done isn't it?

there will be girls like her friend at the other school though, you know that right?!

[caitlinohara]

YANBU, it would be unreasonable to leave such a big decision to a child.