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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DCs' significant birthday - shouldn't my DP do something?

30 replies

buckingfrolicks · 06/02/2016 16:51

DP has history for not doing much to celebrate birthdays - I've always bought 80% of the DC's presents, birthday tea, cake, organised parties etc.

This year they hit 18. (twins)

DP has done nada, zip, sweet FA, towards it. He works long hours stressful job and does his fair share around the house, can't criticise there at all.

But I too work long hours, proper FT job, yet I've managed to get presents, fancy cakes etc

AIBU to think that he should have done something for them?

OP posts:

TheNumberfaker · 06/02/2016 16:53

YANBU at all but if you've done it all for the last 18 years he probably doesn't even think about it.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 06/02/2016 16:54

Did you ask him to do anything?

Sirzy · 06/02/2016 16:57

I think some people put much more importance on birthdays than others

KinkyAfro · 06/02/2016 17:05

Why aren't you going it as a couple, a joint thing, instead of separately?

KinkyAfro · 06/02/2016 17:06

*doing

Bunbaker · 06/02/2016 17:07

"I think some people put much more importance on birthdays than others"

And some don't attach enough importance to birthdays - my husband for example. He is never bothered about celebrating his birthday so he doesn't see why anyone else wants to bother with theirs. It might have something to do with the fact that his birthday is straight after Christmas though.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/02/2016 17:09

Yanbu but it can be easier if one person does it - otherwise you need to coordinate who does what.

In our house I do 100% of Xmas and birthday shopping and planning it doesn't mean Dh doesn't have ideas - we do discuss - but I am better at carrying it out. It's like with any household task - you have to work out between you who does what.

MrsJayy · 06/02/2016 17:12

Did you ask him to do anything or have you fallen into the birthday organising habit ? What is it you would like him to do

MrsJayy · 06/02/2016 17:13

Btw yanbu to want him to take an interest

MrsJayy · 06/02/2016 17:15

Dds 18ths we discussed it but i bought and organised stuff

Savagebeauty · 06/02/2016 17:15

Yes why not discuss it together as a couple?
Why do it separately?

BackforGood · 06/02/2016 17:22

I'm guessing over the last 18 yrs that's just the habit you've fallen in to.
My dd turns 18 this year and I will sort everything for her. It's just not dh's 'thing' and anyway, it's much easier for one person to do anything that needs to be done and cuts down on "committee meetings". there are other things he does with / for the dc, that I don't particularly get involved in.

Floggingmolly · 06/02/2016 17:44

What exactly do you want him to do? When you say 80% of it traditionally comes from you; do you mean financially or just time and effort?
The gifts should come from joint finances, and as to organising the party... Do they want you to do it?

WeAllHaveWings · 06/02/2016 17:46

You've managed to get 18th birthday presents for your dc? did you not at any point have a conversation with your dp and say its their 18th this year what should we get them?

If you went out and got them presents, presumably from both of you, for every year up until now without having discussions I guess you've set the precedent and don't see why you are surprised? I never heard of anyone getting separate birthday gifts from their mum and dad/stepdad?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/02/2016 17:48

Are they his daughters? Your OP seems to suggest that they are not... If they aren't, and you usually handle everything, maybe he thought you were more comfortable like this.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/02/2016 17:49

What do you think you and they would especially like him to do this year?

I'm not especially good at pressies, not everyone is, but it usually falls to me anyway as DH is even worse. I can muster some enthusiasm for my own DC and their pressies and parties.

But basically some people don't really express affection through gift exchange. This doesn't give them a complete get out of jail free card of course, but it would be good if more people understood it.

Part of our diversity and everyone being different.

Best thing here I think would be think what you'd like him to do and ask him to do it!

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2016 17:52

Surely you've discussed it? Both with each other and the twins? Or did you just assume that he'd buy them something this year?

What do you want to buy them? What do you want to do to celebrate?

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2016 18:04

"AIBU to think that he should have done something for them?"
Well, I don't really think this is a case of reasonable/unreasonable. He should want to do something for his own children. But, "DP has history for not doing much to celebrate birthday" - so the fact that he didn't do anything for this particular birthday is not a surprise, is it?

Some people genuinely don't give a stuff about birthdays. Others care far too much - I once had a friend who started planning her birthday nine months before it, and regaled us with planning details weekly. Most of us are somewhere in-between. Unless he celebrates his own and nobody else's, sorry but there's really nothing you can do.

Have you discussed the matter of birthdays with him?

Bunbaker · 06/02/2016 18:19

"did you not at any point have a conversation with your dp and say its their 18th this year what should we get them?"

I often don't discuss presents for DD because a) OH isn't interested in present shopping and b) He wouldn't have a clue what to get. He only shows an interest when it is something expensive like a new phone because it is costly and it is something he is interested in.

Original poster

buckingfrolicks · 06/02/2016 18:32

I have had many conversations with him about their birthday (they are his children), and said 'there's x weeks left, we need to start thinking... what ideas do you have... what shall we get them... I'm thinking XY might be nice, what do you think' etcetbloodyra. Result? 'er, um, er, I don't know...'. He claims he's so busy so stressed that he can't think. But it's the same every year - when they were little I used to arrange that we'd go shopping together one saturday, for this reason, but he's so miserable and negative I just gave up.

Presents come from both of us - this is not 'my presents/his presents' but 'our' presents, their gifts from their DM and DD - both our names go on them. I usually pay for them.

It is his lack of interest that pisses me off. The whole emotional work\ of making sure they have a memorable, enjoyable and happy birthday seems to fall to me.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2016 18:38

"Presents come from both of us - both our names go on them. I usually pay for them."
Well that's something you can change. If he gets half the credit for the present, his bank account gets half the debit.

The emotional work - my sympathies .

What happens about his birthday? Much?

MrsJayy · 06/02/2016 18:39

Lack of interest would piss me off too I would not be happy if DH shrugged and said I dunno how is it fair that you the woman has to do it all tell him well you are stressed to so the twins are stuffed no birthday

WeAllHaveWings · 06/02/2016 18:45

If you've done it all these years, then it's unlikely to change now unless you give him an ultimatum. He knows if he doesn't do it you will crack so why should he bother. Tell him I am not getting your dc birthday presents/cards anymore and if you don't get them something then they will get nothing and he will have to explain it to them and then stick to it. At 18 they are old enough to understand and he can live with the consequences of that.

But you run the risk you both don't get anything and although it will be is fault you will feel guilty as hell. Personally I wouldn't risk it on their 18th's, but if it does piss you off tell him in plenty of time for next year.

Scarydinosaurs · 06/02/2016 19:08

That's shit. I would be saying the gifts were just from me. But I'm sure others will think that is petty.

This is making me think about my own arrangements. I might start saying to my DH- I do the cake, you sort the gifts...

JugglingFromHereToThere · 06/02/2016 19:16

Why not try saying as they're going to be 18 you'd like to do something special? I think you have to let him know that this year especially you'd like him to step up a bit.
Otherwise why would he see it's any different this year to how things usually are?

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