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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that my dd was excluded?

32 replies

UnpreparedMum · 01/02/2016 10:06

I noticed whispering & mobile numbers being swapped at nursery last week then this morning there were lots of whispers & high jinks about one little boys birthday party yesterday. My dd wasn't invited. She isn't in the same key group as birthday boy but we do walk up to nursery with him & his Mum most days, alongside a few others (who were all invited). I wouldn't say my dd & birthday were best friends but they do get along and it feels pretty brutal to me. I think the whispers have made it all feel so much worse and perhaps if she'd mentioned it to me & explained why dd wasn't invited (limited places, cost etc) I wouldn't feel so hurt for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

UnpreparedMum · 01/02/2016 10:07

*birthday boy

OP posts:

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 01/02/2016 10:10

It is horrible when this happens, but you've got to develop a thick skin about it, as it will happen again. Not everyone invites the whole class, and as they get older I think they invite less and less.

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2016 10:14

She might have been embarrassed to explain there were limited places...thinking perhaps you'd pull a face and reply, "Why are you worried? We're not".

Or perhaps like many parents, she just didn't think it was a big deal enough to have to explain.

Your dd will get invited to some parties and not others. It's the same with all kids and something they and you, have to learn to get used to.

hazeyjane · 01/02/2016 10:17

Was the whole nursery invited? If it was just a small group, then that it just one of those things and it will happen again throughout school so best get used to it!. If it is a whole nursery/class party, then it is not on to not invite one child.

Vintagebeads · 01/02/2016 10:17

I think its normal to feel hurt if your DC are left out,that said your talking about a child who your dd doesn't play with,and isn't in the same group with.
Your only link is that you walk in at the same time.
Unless your dd was the only child left out of everyone your BU.
There will be years ahead of you of this sort of party angst,honesty do not let get to you.

ZiggyFartdust · 01/02/2016 10:24

You're really over the top about this " whispers and high jinks" and "brutal"?

Nobody has to invite your kid to anything, and expecting people to explain to you exactly what they are doing and why they didn't invite you is just bizarre.
If you are going to be one of those people, you will find your child excluded from things for sure.

Micah · 01/02/2016 10:26

I agree, I'd rather people were open. They don't even have to give a reason, but the whispering and secrecy means you feel purposely excluded.

I think you have to toughen up a bit though. It will happen. Your DD will have partied and have to not invite children. You can't feel hurt every time.

Unfortunately too these days parties tend to be same sex. I no longer expect invites to opposite sex children's parties, I think it's happened twice in 10 years of two children- when there has been whole class parties. I don't agree, but it seems to be the done thing.

NinjaClaws · 01/02/2016 10:32

Brutal?

Seriously OP, you're going to need to develop a much thicker skin if your daughter not being invited to the birthday party of a little boy at nursery gives you so much angst.

Party mum can invite whoever she likes and it's really none of your business at all.

SleepyForest · 01/02/2016 10:32

Very few "school gate mums" actually turn out to be actual friends. A bit like work colleagues, it can be deceptive.

I think you are hurt because you thought of this other mum as a new friend whereas she has shown that she doesn't think of you the same way.

Cheby · 01/02/2016 10:34

There are 30 kids in my DD's room at nursery, in and out throughout the week. She goes Mon-Thurs and has contact with all of them. We are debating what to do for her upcoming birthday, but if we do have a party we will be inviting the 5 children she talks about the most, 4 of which are from her key group. No way can I cope with tshirt 2-3 year olds! Try not to take it personally, it won't have been meant that way.

Cheby · 01/02/2016 10:35

*thirty, not tshirt. I don't know what tshirt 2-3 year olds are. 😂

MLGs · 01/02/2016 10:40

I can understand how you feel, but it isn't that big a deal. At nursery age, you DD will not be dwelling on something like this, especially as he is not her particular friend.

Whispering and exchanging numbers and so on in a covert kind of way is rude though. Do it openly or when no one else is about.

PosieReturningParker · 01/02/2016 10:41

Think of it as a lesson for both of you. Most people have a finite number of invites they can accommodate or afford.

Make this as painless as possible for your DD, I wonder if she even knows.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 01/02/2016 10:45

If they aren't in the same key group and you were expecting an invite based on 'walking up together' in the mornings then Yabu.
She didn't need to explain to you why she didn't give you an invite. Really she didn't. Think you might have imagined all the whispering and kinks.

Original poster

UnpreparedMum · 01/02/2016 10:46

Thanks to those who put it gently, point absolutely taken and I definitely need to toughen up!!! But she's my first dc, it's the first time it has happened and I simply can't control feeling hurt. I'm absolutely certain it'll happen again and I'll be much more prepared next time.

OP posts:

Cressandra · 01/02/2016 10:51

Really really don't expect people to come over and justify every time they don't invite your child to a party. It would get both excruciating and tedious - words I've never used in a sentence before. It would be a really bad idea for her to do that.

One guest per year of age is not a bad rule of thumb. I doubt they've invited 25 children and only excluded yours, it's just hard to pick a handful and you'd tend to stick with the 4 or 5 or so that the boy plays most with. Not whomever he walks to nursery with.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 01/02/2016 10:55

I hate birthday parties and the playground politicking that seems to come with them. People can be so hurtful without realising what they are doing.

When my beautiful boy was in nursery - he was struggling (severe speech and language disorder and developmental delays). There was a bunch of parents who formed a clique fairly early on and invited each other to all their birthday parties. Cue lots of (usually) surreptitious handing out of invites and party bags to children who hadn't been able to attend. I got on well with them myself - but my child wasn't deemed 'suitable' to be part of their PFB's friendship group. On one occasion I was stood chatting to a group of them, and someone handed out party invites to everyone in the group but me. Little boy didn't care really - he was unaware of the implications, but it really hurt me.

It was an intensely vulnerable time for me as a parent - I was struggling to come to terms with my sons disabilities and just one person being kind to us would have made such a big difference. But the thing is - they weren't being deliberately hurtful - they were just caught up in their own perfect lifes and wanting (what they perceived as) the best for their own children. I look back on my own PFB experiences now with the benefit of a second child who is 'different' and I honestly cringe at my own lack of thoughtlessness towards other parents/children.

lougle · 01/02/2016 10:57

It's something that happens frequently as they get older. DD3 is friends with a girl who had two sisters, all close in age. She really gets on with the DD2, gets along fine with the DD3 and for some reason, seems quite disliked by the DD1. It was the DD1's birthday party last week. DD3 wasn't invited, but her close friend was. Obviously, she was a bit upset. But I had to help her process it.

I told DD3 that the DD1 is quite unkind to her at times, so it really isn't a bad thing not to be invited. Also, it seems that the DD1 finds DD3's personality difficult, and that's OK - nobody is going to like everyone they meet.

OhMrBadger · 01/02/2016 11:00

As others have said, it will happen again and it does hurt so YANBU to feel a bit upset about it! But eventually you will realise that it's ok not to be invited to everything and once the party is over, it's forgotten about. Also, you could try to think of the ££ you spend on birthday presents. Thirty kids in a class? Imagine how much you'd spend if your DD went to every party??!

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2016 11:02

That's the spirit OP

You will get used to it and most importantly, you'll help your DC to get used to it.

There will be times in the future where you and your DD will have to make decisions on who to invite to things, and there will always be another child feeling a bit put out.

WRT the 'whispering', I really can't see why any parents would bother to whisper about a kid's party, unless the party was a surprise for the child.

Perhaps they were talking about something else and you got the wrong end of the stick?

puzzledleopard · 01/02/2016 11:16

DD birthday been difficult with christmas then birthday in Jan. Unfortunately she is an excited child who would announce she's having a party at school. I invited one person from school and her best friends (family friends they go to another school). She has a few close friends at school but I am not so close to their parents.

I would hope I have not offended some of her class parents, I wouldn't know where to start to say to someone I can't afford for your child to come or we have the numbers and most of the time they would be with said child at beginning and after school and I could never bring myself to say it in front of them.

My DD got invited to a birthday meal! She didn't get a letter his mum came up to me in the playground asked if she could go and then she asked my DD if she would like to go, My dd was all excited. His mum said she would give me the details, the date passed and went. I was left to explain to my DD, his mum gave me no explanation she always avoids me at the school.

middlings · 01/02/2016 11:20

Ah that's horrible OP. Well done for taking the point. It is horrible though.

My DD1 is 3 and I have these horrible moments when I worry about things like this. I was watching that Secret Life of 4 year olds programme recently. They said that children of this age will go through the push and pull of rejection as they're figuring out what emotions are about but actually, they don't have the emotional capacity to experience long term hurt yet, that's what we push upon them. I try to remember that. Horrible when the parents get involved in nasty behaviour though - and why all the whispering. What are they, 10?!

ricketytickety · 01/02/2016 11:39

It will happen lots of times and you'll learn not to worry. Turn it around - on your dd's day you'll be inviting some and not others. Your dd will learn it's ok too.

Jenny70 · 01/02/2016 12:50

Ask the mother how the party went, if she acts embarrassed that you weren't invited be all breezy and say you understand, no problem. Then move on.

I know it feels like a personal slight on your child, but it's really not. Children pick the oddest people to invite, sometimes it is easiest to stick to boys invite boys, girls invite girls. Sometimes a minor spat comes at just the moment invitation list are being considered. All in all, it won't be the first time, and the whispering was more likely not wanting to hurt your feelings than deliberately making you feel bad. Everyone is new to the "not inviting everyone" thing.

Mari50 · 01/02/2016 14:28

This is just the start!
My daughter was excluded from one of her 'best' friends party, goodness knows why, no explanation was given and said friend then got upset and cried to my DD on the day before her party because 'she was worried not enough people would come to her party'
I took my DD ice skating and we had our own party with party bags/balloons/cake etc. Interestingly my daughter had her own party recently, numbers were restricted and she invited this friend because she didn't want her to be as sad as she had been and they're still friends. I couldn't decide whether I agreed with her logic but let it go.

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