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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to work being a mother?

33 replies

Dorie22 · 30/01/2016 21:33

So basically my sil and my dp have a successful business together he pays himself quite a good wage and she gets paid the same if not more. Tonight she has rang my dp going mental because I work 26 hours a week and my two year old ds goes to nursery when I am at work. She is angry that I pay for the nursery fees but it leaves me with not alot of money left over so my dp pays all the bills and i put whatever money I have left into the pot for food. This is not the first time that she has said that I shouldn't be taking money from him and I should fend for myself. I feel that his whole family feel that I am not good enough for him, I am a hardworking, decent person with decent family and all my qualifications behind me, I don't want to give up work because my sil has a problem with it? I don't know what to do? X

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/01/2016 21:39

Ignore her she's a cunt obviously

apricotdanish · 30/01/2016 21:42

It's really none of her business at all and she has no right to get involved, your family finances are nothing to do with her! She needs to be told this in no uncertain terms, she's way out of line. Don't let her make you feel bad about yourself and certainly don't consider giving up your job to appease her.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/01/2016 21:51

Once again it's a DP problem unless he told her to piss off the second she said anything?

Littlef00t · 30/01/2016 21:53

Um ignore her?! Does your dp mind? Her opinion doesn't matter!

usual · 30/01/2016 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StitchesInTime · 30/01/2016 21:58

Ignore her. It's none of her business.

Besides which, her argument makes no sense. She's angry that you're paying your DS's nursery fees instead of all the bills? Is that right?
If you weren't paying the nursery but were still working, then your DP would have to pay them (taking money from him again Hmm )
And if you weren't working at all, then you'd save on the nursery fees, but your DP would have to pay for all other expenses, including food (taking even more money from him!)

Sounds like you can't win with SIL, so just carry on doing what works for you and your DP.

FWIW, in a normal healthy relationship, I'd expect the higher earning partner to pay a greater share of the household bills.

SnowBells · 30/01/2016 21:59

Are you and DP married / been together long? Is the child his? If so, I would say it's none of her business. You're a family and whatever he earns is yours.

If obviously, you've only recently moved in with DP, she might think you are using him.

Mmmmcake123 · 30/01/2016 22:00

It's none of her business, but do they feel you are capable of earning more or should maybe work when do is at home to avoid nursery costs? She is still bu, just wondered what she expects you to do as surely not working would mean he would need to pay for everything

RandomMess · 30/01/2016 22:01

The answer is simple your dp pays half the fees for HIS dd to go to nursery so he can work, oh and he also pays half fees for the day you look after HIS dd so he can go to work.

Then you will probably be able to afford to go 50/50 on all the other shared costs you have...

Please protect yourself financially - does your dp have enough money each month to have savings? So should you!!!!

Mmmmcake123 · 30/01/2016 22:01
  • dp is at home
edwinbear · 30/01/2016 22:05

And she thinks she had the right to opine on this because...........?

Original poster
Dorie22 · 30/01/2016 22:13

Me and dp have been together for 8 years, not married but have lived together for 5 years, ds is his, it didn't used to be a problem before I had ds but now she seems to hate the fact that he has a family and supports us. She constantly makes snidey little comments to me so ive kind of learnt to ignore her but she really got under my skin with this one! X

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 30/01/2016 22:16

But surely it's not about the costs now? If it's a career, you are keeping your hand in and won't be taking a wage cut if you just took the time out to be at home?

I just took a job job to work around the children and I'm still earning two thirds of what I was in2003

aprilanne · 30/01/2016 22:23

why is your husband telling her your business .otherwise how would she know your finances any way

ricketytickety · 30/01/2016 22:33

She's a twat because
a. it's none of her business
b. she clearly is twisting what are shared responsibilities and finances
c. she doesn't want you to work

MissMogwi · 30/01/2016 22:38

What the hell has it got to do with her anyway?! Absolutely fuck all, that's what.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Iggi999 · 30/01/2016 22:38

So what does your dp say back to her then?

Mmmmcake123 · 31/01/2016 00:42

A little bit off topic but not really. I think you should broach the subject of getting married asap. I don't know enough about it but I believe legally when married you have a degree of financial protection that just isn't there without marriage.
Your time spent outside of paid work is valid caring time for your joint children that has worth.
Protect your rights as sil sounds horrific.
Living together does not bring the same.

throwingpebbles · 31/01/2016 01:04

Presumably your DP put her in her place???

Of course Yanbu

laughingGnomette · 31/01/2016 01:10

I don't get her argument.
Does she think you should be earning more or nothing at all?
It's none of her business anyway. I hope your DP told her as much!

Veritat · 31/01/2016 01:38

So does she think her brother should have no responsibility whatsoever for his child's nursery fees, even on the indirect basis that you have set out here?

What did your DP say in response to this rant?

Livelifefortoday · 31/01/2016 02:26

Why do in laws feel the need to interfere?! My MIL and other members of his family have made comments about women with children working and it really p**s me off. We're not in the 1950's for goodness sake.

Surely it is up to the individual woman as to whether or not she chooses to work. There are many factors to consider not just the financial aspect.

vodkaredbullgirl · 31/01/2016 02:30

I want to work because i want too. mind you i have 1 at uni and another about to finish yr 11.

You dammed if you do and dammed if you dont

MyNewBearTotoro · 31/01/2016 03:28

If your household income is shared it doesn't really matter whose earnings pay for which need, you are both earning money and both paying for necessities.

I'm sure too much hassle to do this but would be interesting to swap who is paying what - if your DP put his wage into DS's childcare costs (with leftovers into food/ bills etc) and all of yours went into bills I wonder if your SIL would then recognise your contribution?

Anyway, I would try and stop discussing anything like money/ work/ childcare costs etc with her and ask DP to do the same. Try to reduce what she knows about you and thus how much she can make snide comments.

Katenka · 31/01/2016 06:41

So she randomly called up to moan about your being a working mother?

Unless she is a total bitch and has major issues why would she do this?

Has your dp moaned to her about money? Or the situation?

It's none of her business. I have a similar situation with SIL. She hates working mothers (yes she used that word), I am a working mother and only ever taken mat leave. She used to make snide comments until I shut her down.

She was banging on about it at mums once. Not directly at me but saying she fell out with a friend and hates her just for being a working mum. I told her it was absolutely none of her business, that her only concern was her own family and asked how she would like it if someone slagged her off for being a sahm? I made clear I don't think that sahms live of their dp/dh and that they are partners. But how would she like it if someone told her she shouldn't be letting her husband pay all the bills. I also pointed out how entirely un-feminist it was.

She hasn't mentioned it since.

What I am saying is that your dp (or you if she says it directly to you) needs to shut her down and make clear it's none of her business and to keep her trap shut.