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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to let this happen?

38 replies

GNRmama · 29/01/2016 06:59

Relatively new to MN so I hope this is in the right place. Basically, my 5 year old comes into my bed every night and I'm not really doing anything about it. My parents are telling me I need to put a stop to it. AIBU to just nod and smile but ignore them?

Split with the kids' father last June and he was still sleeping fine. In October we moved into a new flat as I couldn't afford to run the house anymore and this started. He falls asleep in his own bed, I'm pretty insistent about that but some time in the night, he comes through to mine. Tbh, I don't even always wake up because he does just get in and go straight back to sleep. He doesn't do this anywhere else and stays in bed all night at his dad's and grandparents. Is this a sign of something?

I actually enjoy the closeness with him, he won't want to do it forever (I hope!)

OP posts:
Gisla · 29/01/2016 07:03

It's a sign that he feels safe with you.

RumBabaPudding · 29/01/2016 07:04

He's only 5 and had a lot of changes, if everyone is sleeping fine carry on.

confusedandemployed · 29/01/2016 07:06

I'm not one for co-sleeping at all but I'd think that his world has changed drastically recently and he feels safe in your bed. So just carry on. As you say, it won't last forever.

ChalkHearts · 29/01/2016 07:09

No problem at all with him sleeping in your bed if you're both happy with it.

Sometime between now and puberty it'll stop.

StitchesInTime · 29/01/2016 07:14

DS1 (4) does this. He usually doesn't wake us when he gets into our bed. We're not worried about it - we figure he'll grow out of it sooner or later.

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 29/01/2016 07:19

Smile and nod, and do what works best for you. Nothing wrong with your son seeking comfort by sleeping in your bed.

Have you asked your parents why they think that? I suspect they won't have any great reasoning for it "you'll never get him out" maybe which is nonsense IMO. It's what he needs right now and you are responding to that.

Katenka · 29/01/2016 07:21

Dd used to get with me and dh all the time until she was almost 6.

It stopped on its own. She is now a preteen and you can't get her out of her own pit. I wouldn't worry about it

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 29/01/2016 07:24

He will grow out of it eventually. After a fire in our street I used to take a sleeping bag and sleep on my mums floor (aged 8 or9). Don't know when I stopped but I did!

SavoyCabbage · 29/01/2016 07:24

I think it's totally fine. He's your son, you can do whatever suits you. Maybe you should stop telling your parents stuff if they are meddlers.

SovietKitsch · 29/01/2016 07:24

Wouldn't worry at all, just do what you need to do. My DS2 only stopped coming in when he was 7/8 - he didn't every night by that point, but still fairly often. He just needed it to feel secure.

Given there's space for him, I think you'd be mad to disturb your night's sleep by putting him back path of least resistance parenting

lighteningirl · 29/01/2016 07:29

My dd did this for years if I'm honest on and off til about 13 I do wish I'd tried to discourage it earlier but like you I really quite liked it when she was little. Trust your instincts it sounds like you both need this.

Original poster
GNRmama · 29/01/2016 07:31

Thank you! I know my parents are probably just concerned that I'm making life more difficult for myself especially since I'm on my own now but actually I think this is preferable to taking him back to his own bed however many times a night.

Thanks for letting me know this isn't crazy, out of this world parenting Grin I'm going to carry on enjoying for now!

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 29/01/2016 07:31

I started doing this when my parents divorced, I was 7. It actually carried on until I was about 12 I think, when I suddenly just didn't need to anymore.

Some nights my mum really didn't want me in there (I can understand why to be fair) but it was just an absolute need to be next to her. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

mommy2ash · 29/01/2016 07:34

I've co slept on and off with my dd her while life. I've recently started working full time and my dd has taken to sleeping with me at night. She misses not having me around in the day. She is nine. I'm not going to discourage it

Gobbolino6 · 29/01/2016 07:59

I wouldn't stop her if you're happy. She'll just stop in her own time.

Waypasttethersend · 29/01/2016 08:04

I sleep with a combination on any given night of on my own, 3yo curled up next to me, 18mo with her feet I my face and 6yo laid across my feet like a blimmin puppy. Doesn't bother me as long as I don't get woken too much (normally the baby as she's in a cot) I love them and it feels natural.

Plus I need sleep! Do what feels natural there are no good reasons why it's "wrong".

And yes to PP just stop telling your DPs things.

Grilledaubergines · 29/01/2016 08:04

Let him. Nothing wrong with it at all. When he's ready to sleep in his bed, he will. Meanwhile, enjoy the cuddles kicking, flailing arms

Too much is made of co-sleeping. He needs the closeness and I suspect you do too.

musicposy · 29/01/2016 08:06

DD2 did this on and off for years. She was still,occasionally coming in at around 10 and I used to worry she'd be doing it as an adult!
She's 16 now and hasn't come and got into my bed at night for years. It just stopped of its own accord.

musicposy · 29/01/2016 08:06

He's still really young- I'd just keep going as you are.

contrary13 · 29/01/2016 08:07

Honestly, it's nothing to worry about - as a PP said, it's a sign that he feels safe with you. It might be that he's being woken by bad dreams, or wakes and doesn't feel secure... so he seeks his source of security/comfort: you. If I were you, OP, I'd enjoy it whilst it lasts.

And, as others have said, he will grow out of it at some point. I co-slept with both of my children - my DD (19) until she was 8 and her little brother was born, and my DS (11) until about 6 months ago, actually. They both still creep into my bed if they wake in the middle of the night from a nightmare, or not feeling very well, though (or in the case of my DD if she's had a row with her boyfriend/friends, or is feeling anxious about her uni courseload or work!) because they both look to me (their only parent) to protect them from their own thoughts/feeling yucky in the middle of the night. Because that's what Mums do.

Now, if only I can convince them not to crawl into bed with me at 6am every weekday morning, when the alarm goes off, for an hour of chatter and laughter... Grin

Gatehouse77 · 29/01/2016 08:17

Co-sleeping doesn't bother me in the slightest. When I had a period of time on my own all of mine came into my bed at times. If it helps them feel more secure then where's the harm? If your parents comment again just say that you've done some research and it shows no developmental impacts and you're happy, your DS is happy but thanks for the input....

ThomasRichard · 29/01/2016 08:20

I have this with my 3yo DD but I just think that she's very little, it isn't hurting anyone and if it makes her happy and gets me more sleep then I don't mind. 5yo DS sometimes arrives in the morning for a snuggle and that's quite cute too. They'll stop at some point.

contrary13 · 29/01/2016 08:22

Also, OP, I meant to say that my parents both insisted that my children "ought to be" doing a lot of things that they weren't ready for - be it emotionally, or physically (my DM wanted to wean my DS onto solids at the age of 4 weeks, for example, because he refused point blank to breastfeed!). I did as you're doing: smiled and nodded my head, then carried on with what I knew was right for my children. Now, they're both well-adjusted, articulate, happy, very secure individuals who know how very loved they actually are by me.

So no, you're not being unreasonble in smiling, nodding and ignoring. You know your DC better than anyone else. And he needs you to be there for him whenever he needs you to be. Not your parents. Possibly not even his father (although I'm sure they also love one another). You.

GnomeDePlume · 29/01/2016 08:36

I dont see a problem. Like pps my DCs did this then stopped pretty much of their own accord.

DS kept going the longest and once he was at school we just had a simple rule that if he came into our bed in the night (which he was welcome to do) then he wouldnt be able to play out late with his best mate as he would be tired from a disrupted night. It meant that DS knew that he could come into our bed but that there was also a downside.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/01/2016 08:38

ds came into my bed most nights during the night until he was 5-6ish. Same as yours he just snuggled in and went back to sleep so it wasn't really a disruption to me.

Eventually I bribed encouraged him to stay in his own bed by starting a collection of toy cars and giving him one if he stayed in his own bed one night, then every 2 nights etc. But no rush to change things if you are both happy.

Smile and nod and enjoy the cuddles it wont be long and he'll stop (although my 11 year old is fine during the week but still comes in the odd night at weekends)

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