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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worrying about not being considerate enough when planning my wedding?

45 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 26/01/2016 20:05

I got engaged on New Year's eve

Really excited and keen to get the wedding planning underway, not booked anything yet but making a lot of enquires etc etc.

I plan to try and have a really relaxed and easy going day but cost is a factor and as such I'm worried that it might mean certain family members are going to have too much to do and won't enjoy the day.

Also, having read some of the wedding threads on here there seem to be some huge no no's I wasn't even aware of!

Aibu to feel slightly nervous about planning, even at this early stage? I'm very much a people pleaser and I really want all of our friends and family to enjoy the day as much as we do and would hate to be seen as a bridezilla and judged for it

OP posts:

Fourormore · 26/01/2016 20:07

Don't even try. Whatever you do, it won't be right for somebody. You hopefully only get to do this once so do what suits you .

Ughnotagain · 26/01/2016 20:08

What are you worried about? If you're more specific people can tell you whether YABU

In all seriousness though, it's your day, do what the fuck you want. The more relaxed you are come the day the better. We had a nice informal affair, no chair covers, no favours etc. Everyone said they had a great time (to our faces anyway ).

ExtraBlessings · 26/01/2016 20:09

On the positive side compared to the Aibu traffic, pleasing your friends and family will be a doddle! Congratulations!

RubbleBubble00 · 26/01/2016 20:12

what are you going to ask family member to do?

theycallmemellojello · 26/01/2016 20:15

Depends what you're asking them to do? It is a bit unfair to ask a lot - I'd see if people offer and otherwise cut back. You don't need a lot - we didn't have flowers or cake and I didn't have a wedding dress - the day was still lovely.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 26/01/2016 20:16

Depends on what you are asking family to do.

I loved relaxed weddings, simple vows, no huge entourage, food straight after and fairly local. Hate waiting around for a gazzilion pictures, not being fed and expensive travel costs.

Gazelda · 26/01/2016 20:19

set your budget, then plan your day to fit that. So many of the fripperies are uneccessary, and soon forgotten.

Gatehouse77 · 26/01/2016 20:20

Decide what you and you're other half would like and then work backwards to fit in others. I'm all for compromise but the day is about you and your partner and how you want to spend it.

For example, DH and I had no seating plan but tables of various sizes. We had no intention of spending time working out who should sit with who. Fuck that, they were all adults perfectly capable of deciding where to sit!

slebmum1 · 26/01/2016 20:24

Depends what you're asking them to do! If it's cooking a meal for 100 guests that's probably too much!

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 26/01/2016 20:26

I was planning to have a hog roast for the meal partly because I love it because DP's sister and mother have animals and can provide the pig but I'm concerned that if I ask one of them to do that it will mean extra stress/hassle for them. Dp's sis is one of my bridesmaid's too (I only have 2) and her daughter is a flower girl so she probably has enough on her plate, I'd probably ask DP's mum but is that too much for the mother of the groom?

My sis is my other bridesmaid and her and my DFather are both professional photographers so I was going to ask them to do the photos. I think they would love to do it and would probably feel quite offended if I didn't ask but I don't want them to be 'working' all day if you see what I mean

I do plan to have the ceremony late afternoon with food straight after and the reception at the same place, since my family are coming from the other end of the country I have specifially chosen a venue with accomodation a 5 minute walk away.

Four since this is my second wedding but hopefully last!

OP posts:

singmespanishtechno · 26/01/2016 20:30

You sound like me. My worries have included....

worrying re family reaction to wedding not in church
worrying re: parents not being able to invite everyone they've ever met
worrying venue (in big city) doesn't have enough nearby accommodation and everyone will have to spend lots of money (they don't there's lots)
worrying about whether I can invite guests (newish) partners
worrying no one will like food/music/decoration
worrying my invites are too small

-worrying some people may have to travel

Never for a second have I worried about:

Actually marrying my lovely DP
Not having the support of my lovely family and friends

That is quite cheesy written down! But the point is that people love a wedding and they will pretty much have a great time. Be guided by them in what you ask them to do. If you feel like it's too much, is it a wedding essential? You don't NEED anything (apart from the legal bits). It will be fine on the day.

Also Mumsnet is great for advice and I love the wedding threads but reading too many does make it seem there's a lot you can do wrong. In real life no one seems to mind as much in my experience.

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2016 20:52

ciabattav0nbreadstickz

RE Aibu to feel slightly nervous about planning, even at this early stage? I'm very much a people pleaser and I really want all of our friends and family to enjoy the day as much as we do and would hate to be seen as a bridezilla

YES you are being unreasonable! NO one is going to enjoy our day as much as you. So stop trying to please everyone and work out with your finance how to please the two of you.

You do not need to turn into a bridezilla.

I suggest you do a budget of what you have to spend and if you are asking people to help you could include those people in your budget! Do you know a great photographer friend who could do the photos for free? Some nice photos are very important (to me) but to be honest I rarely look at them now! I wanted a video/dvd of the day (they did really have video when I got married!) and so we made sure friends filmed the big day, we had a few different friends doing it, always helpful as some forgot or did a not brilliant job!

My friends and I decorated the church with flowers so only bouquet and the carnations and men's whatever you call them, button holes, were bought.

The biggest hassle was the three pesky bridesmaids, who all told me wrong dress sizes and the youngest moaned and wanted to be dressed in a different style! No way, I paid for the dresses, you wear them, with a smile.

Anyway, I am now reminiscing so will shut up! But basically, just decide with your partner what is really important, what will be the key things you do not want to compromise on, then a few things you have strong ideas on but could go either way, then decide what is open to influence!

PS what are these things one can't do????????????? All ears.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 26/01/2016 21:11

Off the top of my head:

Can't ask for money instead of presents (for honeymoon etc)
Can't expect bridesmaids/groomsmen etc to pay for their own dresses/suits
Can't expect guests to pay for drinks (ie: have a free bar)
Can't have a seating plan/can't not have a seating plan (depending on your POV)
Can't expect guests to attend on a weekday

And probably loads more I can't remember!

I really would like my sister/dad to do the photos between them because I think it'll be all the more special if they took the photos and they are both really good! I'm hoping that because there are two of them to share the job it won't be too bad? DP is quite shy so we won't have many of the 'posed' photos, I would prefer most of them to just be kind of captured moment when we aren't even looking at/aware of the camera.

I am planning on growing a load of sweetpeas in my garden this year to use for the wedding because I love sweetpeas and they smell pretty if that isn't too sad! Other than that there won't be many flowers, I like the whole wildflower thing I even plan on putting some in my hair if I have enough

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2016 21:14

What do you mean about asking people to do the hog roast? What would be involved in that?

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2016 21:15

Lavender is easy to grow and looks lovely, OP.

Littlef00t · 26/01/2016 21:22

I'd ask about photos, your family might be fine doing it all themselves, or you could pay a professional to be there just for the going ready and ceremony so they can enjoy that bit.

With the hog roast, could you pay anyone you know to manage the actual food so they don't have to, or speak to hog roast caterers to see whether it would be crazy money even if you provide the hog?

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 26/01/2016 22:24

I've gotten some quotes about the hog roast and if we provide the 'hog' its much more reasonable as the providers do give you the option to do all the stuff they usually do but with your own pig and it seems the better option. Plus I'm sure MIL would offer to save us money!

Hog roasts are generally quite reasonable and even more so since we are providing the pig and having a small wedding :)

Imperial, I am growing lavender already, I love the smell of it and it fits with the colour scheme with the sweetpeas

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2016 22:25

Well I don't agree with any of those can't do... except ... Can't expect bridesmaids/groomsmen etc to pay for their own dresses/suits (unless you are going to let them wear their own uncoordinated clothes)!

The only one I would say is for guests not to wear white to a wedding, except the bride!

MaidOfStars · 26/01/2016 22:31

I think I'd try to resist asking your sister and/or Dad to photograph the day (or at least, any major part of it). Don't you want their full attention, not them sizing up shots while you're making vows.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 26/01/2016 22:31

To be fair greyhound, I don't necessarily agree with any of those either I think it entirely depends on the circumstances and what guests are happy to do - I was going to ask my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses but I was also going to say they can choose whatever dress they like in the colours I have in mind so they have something they like

Obviously no to the white on guests!

OP posts:

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 26/01/2016 22:33

Well my Dad did my wedding before and as I said I think he/sis would be quite upset/offended if I did not ask them

OP posts:

Ughnotagain · 26/01/2016 22:41

We paid for bridesmaid dresses but they were only cheap (compared to "proper" bridesmaid dresses - they were from Topshop!)

We asked for money and guests paid for their own drinks though. I think we paid for one welcome drink and half a bottle of wine each with the meal. But we really couldn't afford much else and I genuinely don't think anyone cared (and if they did, I didn't!).

BrokenVag · 26/01/2016 22:45

Do whatever you want to do. We chose our venue because it was all on one level, and DH has a family member in a wheelchair. Said family member never RSVPed to the invite and didn't come.

We asked people about dietary requirements on the RSVP card and gave close family the menu choice in advance. DH's grandparent announced as it was put down in front of them that they don't eat chicken. Cue panic in the kitchen.

RubyRoseViolet · 26/01/2016 23:02

I agree with some of those "rules" but not others which just goes to show these are not universal truths!

I bet you will be extremely considerate during your planning but you have to accept that you cannot please everyone. We bent over backwards at our wedding 10 years ago to please everyone, ran ourselves ragged and, in the end felt as if we hadn't had as much time as we'd have liked to appreciate the day.

We're doing it again this year (upgrading from a civil partnership to a marriage) and are doing it totally differently this time. Very small guest list, ceremony in a different city in our favourite building in the world, informal lunch afterwards etc. A very different, more laid back feel. Just talk to family and ask them how they feel about helping out and then if they do, fabulous, if they don't you can plan accordingly.

Karoleann · 27/01/2016 00:23

Give people plenty of notice of the date; if you want them all there. My BF also got engaged on NYE and we don't have any free weekends from now until September! I will try and cancel something as I really want to go, but there are a few things I can't.

If you want to make it child-free do, but ensure that very small babies can come (with the proviso that please feel free to leave the ceremony if they need some time-out!) We almost had to miss DB wedding as it was child-free, but DS2 was just too little to be left.

I would also make sure that you give people enough food even if its just crisps.

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