to be worrying about not being considerate enough when planning my wedding?

[ciabattav0nbreadstickz]

I got engaged on New Year's eve

Really excited and keen to get the wedding planning underway, not booked anything yet but making a lot of enquires etc etc.

I plan to try and have a really relaxed and easy going day but cost is a factor and as such I'm worried that it might mean certain family members are going to have too much to do and won't enjoy the day.

Also, having read some of the wedding threads on here there seem to be some huge no no's I wasn't even aware of!

Aibu to feel slightly nervous about planning, even at this early stage? I'm very much a people pleaser and I really want all of our friends and family to enjoy the day as much as we do and would hate to be seen as a bridezilla and judged for it

Easy way to please people:
Don't go abroad.
Don't have it in the middle of nowhere with the only option an expensive hotel.
Don't do a weekday.
Do feed people well and frequently.
Do invite people you love and who want to be there.
Do put on as much free alcohol as you can afford.

Don't make your bridesmaids pay for their own matching dresses but then make a big deal to them about how they are a gift from you to them... Don't think go on about how you're doing a free bar and that's your gift to the guests... To your non drinking bridesmaid who's just had to pay £130 for a fucking dress and can't quite believe you can't take it out of the booze budget n

We had a small, easy going wedding, it was lovely well I thought so! only thing I'd encourage you to be mindful of is, as lovely as it is having family taking photos as the professional, it can be difficult.

I'll tell my anecdote which affects how I feel about how I feel. We had a family member offer to be our photographer, she's very good, is a professional. Brilliant. It didn't go well, photographer was preoccupied with other family members, in itself not a bad thing, but, what with chatting and champagne and enjoying the day...I have two pictures of me in a wedding dress where I'm actually looking at the camera, none with my Dh, none with my dm, none with my dsis. And because it was our gift, and photographer is family, I have no comeback. I was silently devastated for about a month. It wasn't worth the fall out afterwards by me complaining.

The day goes so fast and everybody is chatting, enjoying and having such a lovely time, as much as people say "I don't want to be waiting around for a million pictures" I say, I really wish I'd made people wait around while I bridezilla-d and demanded had some pictures instead of not wanting to mither. Just provide drinks and food while you do pictures!

Op it sounds great but do check before you make all your plans that your family will give you a hog for free and photos for free - you know them better than us but it's still quit an ask. Don't ask non crafty friends and family to spend hours hand making decorations (bitter experience).

Well it obviously completely depends on what your family are comfortable with. If your dad and sister want to do pictures, clearly that's not a problem. Ditto the hog roast. I guess it's all about making sure people are fine with what you want. Personally, we did have friends doing stuff but we insisted on paying as in each case it was something they did in a profession/semi-professional capacity anyway (musicians/dj/photographer). I do think it's a bit cheeky to ask people to do stuff that is their job for free, but doesn't sound like you'll be doing that.

Pig - I think it depends on what they'll need to do? Set it up, oversee it, carve it, I don't honestly know what's involved.

Photography - I agree it would be nice to have a conversation with them about it, but I think it will inevitably be stressful for them as they are both key members of the bridal party. walking down the aisle, getting into the wedding car with your Dad, speeches, etc - who will take those? And, personally, my favourite photos from my wedding were those taken informally which are less easy to do if everyone knows the photographer and wants to chat about the day. Might they know a young photographer just starting up who they can 'oversee' on the day in exchange for him/her giving you a really good rate?

It's ok to feel nervous, it's an important event you're planning.

I'm going to go against some of the previous responses and say that while you do need to have what you want as far as possible, if your family are coming from the other end of the country it's already going to be pretty difficult for them so prioritise making everything else as easy as possible. Choosing a venue with accommodation adjacent is a great start, hopefully it is reasonbly priced. As is doing the ceremony late afternoon so people have the option of travelling same day in order to minimise accommodation costs. I'd also advise being careful with dates, don't choose a time when roads/rail will be particularly busy. That doesn't matter so much if everyone's local, but it does if significant numbers of guests have to travel. Feeding people a lot is as much self-preservation as anything else, since guests with something to soak up the booze are generally more charming than they would be without (for this reason I'd also be cautious about free bars).

Regarding the pig and photos, it depends on the dynamics of your family. There are people who'd find it really stressful to be asked to contribute something important to a family wedding, there are people who'd be offended not to be, I don't think anyone on MN can tell you which category your relatives fall into.

I don't plan on walking down the aisle with my DF. Not because there are any problems with us just because it doesn't seem quite...don't know what the word is...appropriate considering DP and I live together already and it is my second wedding. The first time it was fine but it feels a bit odd doing it this time.

I've found a company that will do everything with the pig ie; set up, cook, carve, serve, clean up etc, literally all we would have to do is provide the pig but that would mean that MIL would have to store and transport it to the venue or arrange for that to happen not sure what else is involved!

Definately not abroad, we're staying local as all of DP's family and our friends live here.
It will be on a Saturday as that is most convinient for my family who have to travel to us.
The location is fairly rural but it's by the seaside so there are lots of choices for accomodation and the venue itself is not a hotel so there will be not expectations on anyone to stay somewhere they can't afford

The 2 bridesmaids are very different in colouring so they have the choice of 2 different colours and any style so hopefully they can pick something they both like/that suits them/that they can afford.

Talk to the people involved. Hog roast sounds fine but asking MIL to cook and serve does sound a bit much, she probably knows someone who can take care of catering if she supplies the meat.

Ask DF and DSis if they want to do the photos and be guided by them.

I think a paying bar is fine.

My dad and step mum walked down the aisle together, it was lovely.

I think a paying bar is normal in the UK. Just make sure guests know if they need to bring cash.

I would wait for MIL to offer the hog roast, since even if she just has to store/transport it, that'll be a big job. Discuss the food options with her and perhaps mention how great hog roasts are, and see if anything is said... then drop it, if not.

I would also hire a pro photographer for at least an hour. Even if you don't like any of his shots, this takes the pressure off your DF and DSis. No matter how laid-back you sound about photos, I think there's always that worry, if you're the person entrusted with the photography, that you'll fuck it up and there'll be upset and disappointment afterwards. There's no second chance. It makes it hard to really relax and enjoy/participate in the occasion.

(Also, we had a friend do our photos, and had a similar situation to StarkyTheDireWolf. It actually didn't bother me at the time, but, years on, I do wish we'd done it differently.)

I am of the opinion that you shouldn't ask people to do stuff on the day.

Asking family to provide flowers/food/equipment they can drop off the day before and pick up the day after is fine.

If you really think your father and sister would be insulted not to be asked to take photos, ask them to take the reportage as the day goes on, but have a stranger (IYSWIM) to do an hour or so of the formal bit. It means any photos they get are a bonus but the pressure is off them to get the shopping list of particular shots.

In my opinion, guests like a wedding if they're well fed and watered, and the couple looks happy. All the additional extras might make the bride happy but they really aren't necessary to the guests' enjoyment.

If your focus is your guests, plan it like a family party and abandon the wedding magazine "essentials".

Can't expect guests to pay for drinks

Why on ever not? Its the norm as far as Im concerned. Ive never been to a wedding with free drinks (well apart from the toasts etc).

And can I second what Mrs Hathaway has said regarding being fed. Most of the truly awful weddings I've read about here involve bride and grooms skimping on the food and not feeding their guests enough. There was a fantastic thread in chat a few years ago about what was the worst wedding you had ever been to and this came up regularly!

My best friend is an amazing wedding photographer.
I wanted her to be a guest though, and enjoy the day.
She was so grateful!
Every other person, including family always asked her to photograph and she would never have said no.
She wanted to spend my day with me.
Just something to think about.

The big thing to remember when planning a wedding is that you are the HOST. It is also your big day etc. etc. but if you are inviting people to take part in your day, then you are a HOST, so treat your guests as you would for any other event that you were hosting.

1. Feed them
2. Feed them some more
3. Glass of bubbly and somewhere comfortable to sit
4. Feed them again
5. Make sure they are warm and have somewhere comfortable to sit
6. Make sure children are catered for with entertainment, quiet space to rest
7. Make sure older people are catered for with somewhere comfortable to sit
8. More food please, and something nice to drink
9. Make everything easy, welcoming and comfortable

Don't make it expensive for your bridesmaids or hen party to participate in your celebrations. This includes taking time off from work. Nobody should have to take annual leave for your hen party.

Once all of that is in hand, then you can get back to looking for wedding favours on Etsy.

I think doing a hog roast in wedding clothes would be too much an ask, pay for someone to do that.

Having been a photographer I'd employ a non family member and ask the family to take their own pictures too otherwise they won't relax all day and won't be in any pictures themselves.

Pay for outfits you are dictating ie bridesmaids etc. We cut costs by not having bridesmaids and buying matching ties for the men, just paid for suit for best man in a business style so he could wear it again.

We married on a Sunday to allow teachers and children to attend as couldn't get a Saturday. It seemed a better option than Friday, people could choose whether to take Monday off work or not.

I don't think a fee bar is necessary but would include a toast drink and wine with the meal, after that they're on their ownM

To add I agree about making sure guests are well fed.

I second what MrsHathaway said about photography. Having someone not I the wedding party to do photography for a couple of hours is definitely a good idea. Even if it's just for when you're signing the register and the immediate time after the ceremony. Otherwise you're relying on someone else to take photos when your df/dsis are needing to be in the photos and they may not be familiar the the camera etc. Which probably sounds silly, but when all is said and done and the day is over, I've never been so utterly disappointed when I came to look at the massive amount of photos on the computer to choose some to print and find that there wasn't a single one which was usable.

But overall, keeping guests fed and watered (and warm!) Is my best advice!

We had a photographer, but also bought a camera and gave it to one of DH's brothers to take some shots during the day too. Back from honeymoon, download the photos - every single one of his family. Nothing of mine at all. I wonder what on earth went through his head!

Ok, trying to think of anything else...

Hen do will be local and inexpensive, probably just a night out with some drinks and stuff, definately not going abroad for a week!
Wedding should be late afternoon with food straight after so hopefully no one will go hungry..
Venue has a main room (for disco/party etc) and a terrace overlooking the beach and I'm told they can provide blankets for guests (although in summer hopefully won't be too cold )
Wedding not childfree and we will hopefully have a bouncy castle or something similar to keep them entertained, I was going to try and get some little coloring books/activity packs too as I saw some and thought they were really cute..
We live in a 'cider' part of the world and I was hoping to have big barrels over cider from the local cider farm to dish out drinks for the toasts and stuff and then to be drunk until they run dry
I'm not really keen on having a cake but I liked the idea of having an ice cream trike thing instead - they do gluten and sugar free options for MIL who is allergic to everything and can't have cake!