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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel this coffee meeting?

55 replies

ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:02

I'm so embarrassed. Have NC.

A really like a colleague at work, and I thought the feeling was mutual. Via a text conversation last night, he said that there was a "frisson" between us. Later he then went on to say that whilst he thinks I'm attractive, there's no "X factor". He then said that he really admired my asking, and we should meet for a coffee today so we could get passed it etc.

I am so mortified, I don't know if I can go! But I know of I don't meet up now, it will be horrendous every time we see each other in meetings etc. We meet one on one every couple of weeks, and team meetings every month or so.

Oh, God! Help Sad

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 26/01/2016 12:04

I would say 'totally - you are right, I was just looking for a bit of light relief ;)' and go have the coffee and a laugh and move on.

Biffa44 · 26/01/2016 12:04

What did you ask?

MTPurse · 26/01/2016 12:05

I'm curious Op, What did You ask him?

icanteven · 26/01/2016 12:06

It's embarrassing, but he doesn't actually have to know that you are mortified. Nor do you have to have this coffee to hash over your embarrassment. If he had asked you out, you'd hardly knock him back and then suggest you go out for coffee so you can "talk about what happened" and expect him to actually turn up, would you? So it's 100% fine to brush it off.

Just text him and say

"Sorry - can't actually make coffee today after all. Diary mix-up. Some other time? Shamefaced."

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:12

I asked whether he felt that there was something between us, and he said, yes, he thought that there was an edge to our encounters, and a frisson. I then said that I was very attracted to him. He said he was flattered etc, but he hasn't really thought to much about it because his head's in a weird place (recent marriage break up). When I pushed him, he said that he thinks I'm attractive, but he doesn't feel there's an X factor. I said that I felt a bit embarrassed for putting myself out there, and he then said not to worry, it'll pass, and let's have a coffee and laugh about it.

OP posts:
whifflesqueak · 26/01/2016 12:15

he actually sounds quite nice and like he genuinely doesn't want this to come between you.

I'd go. and try to have an embarrassed giggle. it might develop into something more when he's in a better place?

Hygge · 26/01/2016 12:15

If you want to cancel, just send a simple message saying "no need to meet up, lets just forget about it" and leave it at that.

Then be just as you normally would be at the meeting, you don't need to feel embarrassed.

He sounds a bit too flighty anyway if he can't make up his mind between a "frisson" and then "no x factor".

TheHouseOnTheLane · 26/01/2016 12:16

Oh dear. And that's why you shouldn't approach colleagues! I think you should go...you will be better to brazen it out but WATCH OUT> he might be "Playing you"

It could be a hard to get tactic....he might be planning to meet, have a nice coffee with you and then say "this was great why don't we go for a drink?"

Thinking you'll be all pleased with that...then he will hope to shag you and then say "Ah...no...I was right, there's no x factor."

Beware!

TheHouseOnTheLane · 26/01/2016 12:17

As Hygge says..."flighty" what does he mean by "there's a frisson" and then "No x factor"

I'll tell you what it means...he's not looking for a relationship but he likes flirting and would shag you. That's what!

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:20

We were actually meant to be going for a drink tonight, but I said, maybe that's not a great idea and we should go for coffee. He then said that a coffee would be better as he had just remembered something he needs to do for the team meeting tomorrow.

Oh god, I feel like a desperate looser!

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2016 12:26

You can have a spark with someone, but it isn't enough to, either, shag whilst wanting his marriage to work/being on the rebound, especially with a work collegue.

There's nothing to be mortified about.

I'd meet up and sort it out, before you're both in a meeting, you don't want this non event (in reality), to cause an issue at work.

Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2016 12:27

""feel like a desperate looser!""

Your far from, you were just pro-active in going for what you wanted.

Which all Women should be, these days.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:29

Thanks. I think I just feel a bit "exposed" if you know what I mean. I feel like I've read the signals wrong.

OP posts:
theycallmemellojello · 26/01/2016 12:30

Oh dear it is embarrassing, but it sounds like he's handled this really well. Maybe leave it a bit before coffee though.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:33

We have a team meeting tomorrow, which is why coffee today...

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 26/01/2016 12:35

Good on you for being proactive. You have no reason to feel embarrassed - sounds like he was giving all the signals. If you want to pass on the coffee then just say you can't make it and you'll see him another time. You don't owe him anything, especially since he has given conflicting info.

vikingpooboat · 26/01/2016 12:38

Pretty much exact same happened to me this week.posted in relationships. He told me he thinks I'm attractive and lovely but timing is shit as he has stuff to work out with his ex. So I'm guessing he's a player. Still hurts tho

diddl · 26/01/2016 12:39

Well, I think I'd give the coffee a miss, telling him that you don't need to meet up & laugh to get past it.

I can't decide if he wants to string you along.

There was no need to say that there is a frisson, when (unless I don't understand the word), he quite clearly doesn't think that there is one!

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:47

Well he said that there was a frisson and an edge to our interactions, and he only said that there wasn't an X factor when I pushed him into asking whether he was attracted to me...

OP posts:
Ilovetorrentialrain · 26/01/2016 12:49

OP if you still really like him, despite this, the I'd agree with those who say cancel the coffee. Just text to say there's actually no need for it from your point of view, you're both adults and can just forget it.

100% guarantee you'll feel better having taken control.

Good on you.

fidel1ne · 26/01/2016 12:50

A frisson with no X factor? Confused

He sounds like a complete twat.

Don't be embarrassed be relieved and condescending to the weirdo.

(And stop getting into weird flirtatious conversations with colleagues Wink )

hesterton · 26/01/2016 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovetorrentialrain · 26/01/2016 12:55

Ooh not sure I'd brand him a twat! He was probably pretty caught off guard and didn't know what to say!

Especially given that in your own words OP you 'pushed him' as to whether he finds you attractive.

I'd really just cancel coffee and be a bit distant.

Well done for trying though. I have no idea what I'd do if I found someone so attractive I felt like approaching them.

diddl · 26/01/2016 12:56

It almost sounds as if he was fishing for you to tell him that you fancy him.

Frisson, an edge, no X factor?

Makes no sense.

fidel1ne · 26/01/2016 13:02

Am I being a bit harsh?

He sounds incredibly confused and flip-floppy in any case.