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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cancel this coffee meeting?

55 replies

ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 12:02

I'm so embarrassed. Have NC.

A really like a colleague at work, and I thought the feeling was mutual. Via a text conversation last night, he said that there was a "frisson" between us. Later he then went on to say that whilst he thinks I'm attractive, there's no "X factor". He then said that he really admired my asking, and we should meet for a coffee today so we could get passed it etc.

I am so mortified, I don't know if I can go! But I know of I don't meet up now, it will be horrendous every time we see each other in meetings etc. We meet one on one every couple of weeks, and team meetings every month or so.

Oh, God! Help Sad

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 26/01/2016 13:02

That's twice now you've mentioned you "pushed" him to tell you whether he found you attractive or not.... Why did you do that??
He was probably trying to let you down gently Confused

RoboticSealpup · 26/01/2016 13:03

I don't think he's interested in anything more than flirting, but is enjoying the attention and doesn't want it to stop. No way would I met up with him. He will sit there and enjoy the fact that you fancy him, and you will feel so silly and embarrassed. But actually he's the silly one, not you. He's the one blowing hot and cold while you're doing the straight talking.

also, who uses words like frisson and x-factor?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 26/01/2016 13:07

No "x factor"? He sounds like a bit of a twat, think you dodged a bullet.

serin · 26/01/2016 13:09

See, I'm with the other poster who thinks it makes perfect sense!

I reckon he likes you enough for sex but not enough for a relationship!!

Would that work for you?

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2016 13:22

Imagine if a guy you thought was nice, got on with, would be a great match for your best friend etc. but you just didn't feel a big enough spark, given you'd just ended a difficult LTR, imagine that man asks you out and you say "no." Is he a "total loser"? Would it be great if now you've told him you won't shag him he stops being friendly to you? Wouldn't that make him a bit of a dick?

You really have nothing to be embarrassed about. Go for that coffee. See if he has any nice single mates.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 13:22

I'm wondering whether this is more about enjoying flirting, but not wanting a relationship...

OP posts:
Fidelia · 26/01/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunbeam18 · 26/01/2016 13:41

I don't get how you can have a frisson in exchanges with someone that you don't find attractive. Never happened to me.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 13:43

Exactly! Which is why I felt so confused. I always thought I was good at reading the signals, which is why I guess it's knocked me.

OP posts:
LovePGtipsMonkey · 26/01/2016 13:44

but isn't the coffee meeting inevitable as you need to discuss work for next day? in which case, go, brush the texting off with a laugh and a 'never mind', but no mortified face! and then swiftly move on to the work topic.

LovePGtipsMonkey · 26/01/2016 13:48

I think frisson in thios case means, I do find you attarctive - but not a dramatic attraction enough to act on, especially in the stage of recovering from divorce. I think he's nice really - a bad guy would just use you for a rebound shag, he obviously isn't too shallow and needs a strong feeling (x factor) before he sleeps with someone. He may even get that feeling once he is in the right frame of mind, but he;s let you knows not to wait in hope - fair enough.

LovePGtipsMonkey · 26/01/2016 13:49

*know

SlightlyJaded · 26/01/2016 13:50

Actually, I'm going to buck the trend and say go for the coffee.

You can use the meeting as an opportunity to get some control back and regain your confidence. If you avoid it now, it will seem quite rightly that you liked him a lot and are mortified.

Go, be breezy and get it out straight away. Maybe you could open the conversation with something like

"Well the least you can do is buy me a latte having brushed off my advances. I have to tell you I don't offer twice! So it's eternal friendship for you!" and then move on.

Even if you are dying inside.
And then it's done and you can me mates and still have your 'frisson' if you so wish.

OBviously you can make your own better joke, but you know what I mean. Take the bull by the horns, you will feel so relieved once it's done.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2016 13:54

According to your post he didn't say he didn't find you attractive, in fact he said he thought you were attractive. But there wasn't a X-factor.

I kind find people attractive to different extents. If I'm not in a place where I really want a relationship it would take more of an attraction (an "X-factor" maybe, though yuck to that phrase!) to get me to go out with someone I already knew than with a complete stranger (because I wouldn't be potentially ruining a friendship I decided I was right about not wanting a relationship).

Can't you take what he said at face value? It isn't an insult.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 14:01

I know it's not an insult. I guess I'm feeling a bit raw, and worried that actually he DOESN'T find me attractive, and was just being nice. I guess I'm just a bit ego-bruised.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/01/2016 14:01

A male friend of mine uses the line, "I don't feel 'butterflies'" when he's fobbing women off. He's admitted (to me, not to them) that it literally translates as, I don't fancy you.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 26/01/2016 14:02

He thinks you're attractive, but he doesn't actually fancy you. His loss. Next.

Branleuse · 26/01/2016 14:02

dont bother yourself going for coffee if you feel embarrassed. Just say ha, well this is awkward, but never mind - im a bit busy for the next few weeks, but will catch up for coffee another time.

acknowledges your slight embarrassment, but looks like youve taken it in good humour, and telling him your busy makes you look coolly unavailable anyway

xx

gleam · 26/01/2016 14:06

I'd brush off the coffee. Surely it'll just be an ego boost for him?

diddl · 26/01/2016 14:14

Rally, what's the point of the coffee?

To rehash what was said in the texts?

So, you both know where you stand already.

Just stick to seeing him when you have to work wise.

Don't socialise at all then no room for any confusion.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/01/2016 14:23

I think you were wrong to push him if you weren't prepared for a truthful answer.

Go for the coffee. It's the mature thing to so.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 14:28

I think you're absolutely right - I thought that the answer would be different, hence feeling silly.

Anyway, I've said no to coffee, but I'll swing by his office for a quick cuppa.

The point of "coffee" for me is just so that the first time I see him again isn't in front of a room full of other people

OP posts:
Ilovetorrentialrain · 26/01/2016 15:00

I hope the cuppa goes OK OP. Keep control, e.g be the one to leave before he's indicated he's ready etc. and I bet it will be fine. I bet anything he'll regret this one day and ask you out!

scarlets · 26/01/2016 15:09

He sounds confused. I'd steer clear. Keep it professional and cordial at work, but don't see him socially.

Original poster
ShameFacedMagee · 26/01/2016 16:15

Well, it was okay. I'm glad I went, cleared up a few things. So, he does think I'm attractive, but "fancying" someone to him means someone you want to get into a relationship with, and he said that although he's been on a few dates, he's baulking at the idea of a relationship. He's come out of a long and messy relationship, and I look just like his wife (saw a picture, and I do - it was really weird). He's having a hard time at work, and a hard time in his personal life, so combining those too things would be too much for him.

So, although I probably fancy him even more now, it's cleared a few things up.

OP posts: