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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Plse say it is not me ...

44 replies

canyou · 20/01/2016 10:57

Ok I will admit we live pay day to pay day, I just about manage bills and we have food on the table every day granted some days it is interesting conbinations. Right thats background out of the way.
My car has cost us a bit the last few weeks but nothing major new tyres as DP drove with frozen brakes another flat tyre, damaged by someone who drove off. DP wants me to buy a new car I have said no as all his wage goes on maintaince (3/4 of wage) and his debts, 1/2 my wage goes on his remaining debt, he is military and will lose his job if he has a judgement against him (not uk).
He has now said he will give up smoking and use the money towards a new carShock I have said give up smoking save the money and then change the car I dont want more debt. He is now not speaking to me as I do not believe he can quit and also he said he can only succeed if he can every morning get into a new car and say this is why I do not smoke. Ok so how will that be my car if he needs it to stay off ciggsConfused
Arghhh and I would love a new car

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Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 10:58

Rant over sorry I cannot say anything in rl as family would lose the plot that I pay his debt

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ChampaleSocialist · 20/01/2016 11:01

Thats why he is in debt maybe? Pay off debts first, then save up, then get affordable car.
Dont add more debt to your name.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/01/2016 11:01

I certainly think he should give up smoking for a specified period of time to prove he is serious. Then discuss again?

DianaTrent · 20/01/2016 11:03

It's not you. You are subsidising him hugely and his first thought about giving up smoking is not to take the pressure off you subsidising his life and paying his debts but only to get himself a shiny new toy? He sounds totally selfish and taking you for granted with very little concern for you. I'd walk. I'm sorry, you deserve much better than this. Flowers

Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:04

No debt in my name debt is from divorce and a failed business he got left with all the debt by divorce judgement to allow exwife set up a new home with DSC. No issue there. It is that he has lives with so much debt he is attitude is just add moreHmm apparently this is very common. Still I will have 2 paid off next sept he does not know this and I will not tell him to allow me save 6 months emergency money

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Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:05

Actually he really thinks the newtoy would ve mine but yes thank you I really believe 12 months no smoking ans then a new car -- which will still cost re tyres etc

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pinkyredrose · 20/01/2016 11:05

How come he's paying so much maintenance and you're paying his debts? Sounds like your finances need a major overhaul.

dontrunwithscissors · 20/01/2016 11:05

How old is your car? Is it likely to become a money pit? Is it absolutely essential? If you will have to keep throwing more and more money to keep it running, at some point it becomes more than it's worth. In which caseand you absolutely cannot live without a carthen I can sort of understand why you might get a new one. Even then, I think YANBU to avoid more debt.

We're in the situation where DH was made redundant and is now a SAHD. His car is 14 years old and I don't want to put any money into keeping it on the road---I think it would be too much of a gamble. I'm expecting something to go on it that would cost so much money that we will have to scrap it. We already know that the bodywork isn't good. However, we have another car (absolutely cannot live without at least 1 car) so will have to manage. It means I get the joy of travelling 50
mins each way to work

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2016 11:06

He pays 75% of his wages on maintenance? Really? I find that hard to believe. Have you seen evidence of this?

Then he spends the remaining 25% on paying off his debts?

And then you also pay off some debts and then pay for everything else?

This man is a cocklodger! What would he do if he wasn't living with you? How would he live with no income?

Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:11

The maintenance was high as he was told as a soldier live in Barracks. We are in Irl and in the last 8 yrs his wages through cuts have been cut from €825 to € 510 but the maintence was a st amount so he used to be able to manage. He went to court last year to try have it changed but was told no as tgere was only 4 yrs left and college is expensive but we pay 50%of those costs as is right. Exwife is fair tbh and knows not to ask for extra as we do not have it. I manage the money so yes I know it is fact.

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Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:15

Car has passed nct 6yrs ols, I change oil and air reguarly and get it checked yearly so should be good for another bit. It is a diesel kia so cheap to run I qould like another kia even though they are €€€€.

Honestly we had a lot of cash at one point but are now def the squeezed middle class managing to stay a step ahead but that is all

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BarbaraofSeville · 20/01/2016 11:17

Does he live in Barracks and do you have a separate house? Does he have to pay for the Barracks? Is there anyway you could both live in the same place if that would save money?

Are the rules on child support different in Ireland? In the UK the recommended amount is something like 15/20/25% of wages for 1/2/3 DCs (I think).

Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:18

Imperial he would lose his job and get €189 week and pay €10 for the DC and no spousal maintenance. I guess and have a court judgement to reduce debt payments. If he dis that now his pension and lump sum would be affected.

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tiggerkid · 20/01/2016 11:20

3/4 of his wage goes on maintenance, then remaining 1/4 on his debt plus 50% of your wages to pay his debt? And he might lose his job? Seriously? What sort of salary is he on and what kind of car do you have that 3/4 of his salary goes on maintaining it????? :o

If this is the situation, I definitely wouldn't be buying a new car. Not only that, I would re-evaluate the relationship as a whole and have a serious conversation with him.

I am sorry but he behaves like a spoilt brat, who just thinks about what he wants rather than what's good for you as a family unit. Stand your ground. He is going to have to get over it and grow up.

dontrunwithscissors · 20/01/2016 11:20

So hopefully no big repair bills--YANBU.

Oddly, I was about to start my own thread about DH wanting to spend an obscene amount of money on replacing my car (which is only 2 years old). He really does tie his self-esteem into having a big, 'manly' car. He says he feels everyone is looking down on him---seems to be a bit of a masculinity issue for cars. Does your DH think in a similar way? I have a sporty Citroen DS3, top of the range, so it's not like he's driving a bright pink Fiat 500.

Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:22

Barbara we live in a house we bought together before the boom thank God Yes living in Barracks costs about €3000 per year but his barracks has no acc for soldiers to live in.
Maintance is not so different i would imagine but tbh we cannot afford €2,500 to go back to the high Court to get it changed. And him repreyenting himself is out. He is very black ans white re rules and the law and family law is very grey. The order is 14 yrs old and ends in 3 yrs.

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Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:25

I have a kia c'eed estate he wants a sporty car for meHmm I want a new kia c'eed when I win the lotto fri night
We have gone to various agencies but no one will help as we are managing the debt and not getting into more debt. And the house is not in negative equity

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LeaLeander · 20/01/2016 11:28

Car is only six years old?! Ridiculous to replace it. I drive my last one for 15.5 years & paid cash for the next one. Car loans -or debt for ANY depreciating asset -is to be avoided when at all possible if you want to gain prosperity.

OP here in the US military members are notoriously bad with financial matters & debt, due to youth and poor background, so there are seminars and education programs to help them. Are any such courses available to your boyfriend?

maz210 · 20/01/2016 11:29

If the car's only 6 years old I really don't see how it needs replacing. You will get odd bills for maintenance on most cars apart from when they're brand new. Tyres and brakes are consumables, you know you'll need new ones every year or so.

We live rurally and both work so have to run two cars, doing 40 miles per day on each for commuting alone. My husband's car is ten years old, mine is thirteen and will probably need replacing in the next year or so. I think your husband has ideas above his income level, probably (as you've stated) due to being constantly in debt.

I'd also agree with you that he will probably buy the new car and then fail to give up smoking, so you'll have even higher bills. I say that as an ex-smoker who took multiple attempts to finally stop smoking. You simply don't have the income at the moment to finance any large purchases and he needs to accept that.

However, I find it unusual that he is expected to pay out more than his total income in maintenance and debts? If he wasn't with you then I presume he would have had to go bankrupt?

He is effectively living off you so does not have the right to demand new cars. I'm surprised he's still smoking to be honest, it doesn't sound as though he's doing everything he can to improve your financial situation.

Do you have kids together? I'd be wary of tying yourself to him any further if not - no offence meant but he sounds pretty irresponsible.

Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:38

We have DC and had a very nice life before the recession hit state workers in IRl very hard some have lost 50% of their income over the last 6/7 years. Yes he would go bankrupt but also lose his job because of it. Here if you pay bills etc without incurring more debts there is no help we get nothing barr childrens allowance for 1 dc. It costs to get maintenance changed and we cannot afford that and not paying is not an option or fair or right.
Back to the car yes we had a run of bad luck but tbh everything is normal wear and tear. so to me more debt is not an option

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LeaLeander · 20/01/2016 11:40

I agree OP. He's pretty much bankrupt yet has his eye on new "toys" when he should be thinking about improving his and his children's future by being frugal now. They are going to have more needs as they grow.
He doesn't sound like a very good relationship prospect frankly. Men who cannot manage money & have big spending impulses usually make horrible partners. Sorry but you really need to take a hard look and stop sacrificing your own finances to enable him.

bloodynoris · 20/01/2016 11:41

Why would he loose his job? I'm a bit confused about that. Have you spoken to anyone in the welfare team? Are you living in married quarters?

tiggerkid · 20/01/2016 11:43

He doesn't sound like a very good relationship prospect frankly. Men who cannot manage money & have big spending impulses usually make horrible partners. Sorry but you really need to take a hard look and stop sacrificing your own finances to enable him. -entirely agree!

Original poster
canyou · 20/01/2016 11:44

*bloody we are in Irl no married quaters here irish garda, soldiers or judges are not allowed have debt Hmm i they may accept bribes he has been told if he goes bankrupt job gone. A lot have left to take their lump sum and pay debt. Not an option for us as we need his wage to pay maintence so catch 22

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littledrummergirl · 20/01/2016 11:51

If soldiers are not allowed debt how has your dh got so much? This is something he should have been aware of when borrowing.
Why do you feel that your opinion on your finances has to be validated by strangers? Is he questioning your judgement to such an extent that you feel it can't be relied on?

Of course you shouldn't get further into debt, he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.