Plse say it is not me ...

[canyou]

Ok I will admit we live pay day to pay day, I just about manage bills and we have food on the table every day granted some days it is interesting conbinations. Right thats background out of the way.
My car has cost us a bit the last few weeks but nothing major new tyres as DP drove with frozen brakes another flat tyre, damaged by someone who drove off. DP wants me to buy a new car I have said no as all his wage goes on maintaince (3/4 of wage) and his debts, 1/2 my wage goes on his remaining debt, he is military and will lose his job if he has a judgement against him (not uk).
He has now said he will give up smoking and use the money towards a new car I have said give up smoking save the money and then change the car I dont want more debt. He is now not speaking to me as I do not believe he can quit and also he said he can only succeed if he can every morning get into a new car and say this is why I do not smoke. Ok so how will that be my car if he needs it to stay off ciggs
Arghhh and I would love a new car

Sorry I didn't realize you had kids. Just stay adamant about no new car. The occasional repair bill is no excuse to buy one. Good luck!

You have a lovely attitude to your step children and partner's ex, op. I hope things look up for you soon. I agree that your partner's being childish and unreasonable. It is horrible having no spare money though. I guess his self esteem may be taking a battering from his huge pay cuts? I'd be talking up the happiness and welfare of his kids, pointing out he is doing the right thing, the proper 'manly' thing (sorry that sounds so odd, my brain is fried atm). Obv it's the right thing for any parent to do, and he shouldn't need it pointing out, but he does sound immature and a bit down so encouraging him might help. And reminding him that things may be easier in 4 years, and also looking for all the happiness you can find that isn't related to money, and enjoying it - being with your dc, sex (if he isn't totally putting you off him atm), family walks, hanging out with friends etc.

As an ex smoker who took several attempts to quit and only managed it properly and permanently bc of having children, I wouldn't countenance getting into avoidable further debt on the back of his quitting.

Op, you sound as if you have your head screwed on, please don't let him make you doubt yourself.

I would take his demands as an opportunity to sit down and make it very clear to him that financially, you would be better off without him. Go through all your finances and bills with him so he's in no doubt about how much you are subsidising him. Then ask him to give up smoking to help ease the burden on your family. He shouldn't be smoking if you're struggling to put food on the table for his children. I wouldn't agree to a new car in a year either, the money is better off spent on reducing his debt.

I think you have inadvertently enabled him to avoid facing up to his debts. Because you're dealing with the family finances he doesn't have to worry about balancing the books every month and is sticking his head in the sand about it.

I'm not being unsympathetic to him as it sounds like he's had a run of bad luck, but he needs to put ideas about new cars and other luxuries out of his head until your finances are better. I think he doesn't realise how close he is to actually becoming bankrupt/losing his job.

Could he look at moving jobs or taking on a second job? If you were to leave him tomorrow his situation would be immediately unsustainable, that's not a good position for him to be in and he needs to try his best to rectify it.

Debt is a fact of life a mortgage, credit card etc even the army have a credit union that lends all is ok until there is a judgment against them.
We have been to citizens advice, acorn, the bank, state run debt management agencies no one will help as we can manage debt. My car is paid for in my name, the house is also in my name and I refuse to marry until the debt is sorted.
Glad it is not me as I feel a nag and mean at times saying no.
He js great at saving pennies gave up going to the bar on a wed with the lads, went overseas twice to earn double wages to pay off lump sums. Does odd days working with a friend to save for christmas, cancelled sky, ph contracts etc. It is the big stuff he is blind to.
Sometimr the harsh reality of words from strangers who have no vested interest can help clear uo a situation which has me so stressed and bogged down. It makes me write down and be honest about it without ever having to face anyone in a social situation. It helps clear the clutter and focous the mind

If he thinks he can quit smoking to save money, why has he not done so and helped pay off his debt?

Ok I have taken on board I might be enabling him to a degree helping him bury his head
I have taken a spare cash Book DD has for school and have written in Dec spending and income and Jan up to today I think the shock at what he spends on cigs might stop him smoking or cause a heart attack.
I informally do this weekly to stay on budget but from today it goes in the ledger every cent.

He has tried but not succeeded and as he was away on UN duties he got the cigs for pennies so went back on then wholesale.
I might suggest he try for a post again Irish soldiers unlike other countries get paid the UN wage to the so we would be on €800 for six months. But need to weight up the financial gain against the potential issues not being home fpr 6 months would mean

He has now said he will give up smoking and use the money towards a new car
Under the circs I would point out that he should have given up smoking already and put the money towards the debt that you are servicing on his behalf. I would also say that if he takes on debt to buy a new car that you don't desperately need, that I would stop making said repayments and he could go bankrupt.

Fuck that.

Given that he is your DP and not DH [I'm Irish so I know how long a divorce can take so it's not necessarily the case that he's a total cock] I would also read the attached and take steps to protect your interest in the family home assuming it is in both your names.

You could argue that by taking on more debt he is doing the following:
"It should also be noted that where a spouse is engaging in behaviour which may lead to the loss of any interest in the family home, with the intention to deprive a spouse of dependent child of such an interest, it is open to the other spouse to apply to court for an order under section 5 of the Family Home Protection Act 1976 to protect such an interest."

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bankruptcy_Law_in_the_Republic_of_Ireland

We are in Irl and in the last 8 yrs his wages through cuts have been cut from €825 to € 510

Is that a week ? surely not a month

It's not your fault for enabling him, we all like to help the people we love. However he's being a bit silly and needs this spelt out to him. He shouldn't be pressuring you into taking on more debt, rather the opposite!

Spell it out to him in simple terms, if his income has dropped to the point where it no longer covers his outgoings then he needs to earn more. I'd hate for my husband to be away from home but if it's the best way for him to increase his income then you may have to consider it.

I'm glad this thread is helping you to get things straight in your head.

If you don't mind my asking, what are the debts made up of? Is it possible to get any of the payments lowered? Some companies may be willing to accept a very low payment if it means the debt is more likely to be paid in full in the end.

Give him a piggy bank, every packet of cigs he'd have bought, put the cash in the tin. Imagine the size of the deposit he'll have for the new car.....in 12 months. ( And if the car is still ok, pay off some debt with it)

That is a week he lost base allowances uniform allowances travel etc The money they earned was at times obscene so while actual hourly rate is the same USC, and allowances were cut to the bone. My Dad retired early as he would have been the same He got more retired then he would have working. There are soldiers garda nurses etc on their knees financially here I know so many who lost thier homes only to have the bank rent them the houses back. We have one lad stay 3 nights a week here as he could not afford accommodation and could not sell his house or uproot his DC, he slept in his car tue-thur
Thank you Tread I will read that
I think I am ok car and house are mine and mine alone everything goes to DC with DP having a life interest in the house. Life unsurance the same so no point in having me done away with
Ok cigs to go, anyone know if those ecigs are any good? €12.50 a week sounds better the €14 a pack

I didn't know toddlers were allowed to be soldiers. He will only give up smoking if he can get in a shiny new car every day?. Stop balling this wally out. He needs to grow up fast.

Debt I consolidated to bank loan, two credit union loans and he is paying back a divorce lawyer as well. No chance to reduce all have refused. A credit card and lawyer are finished in Sept this year.
Piggy Bank might be a good idea thank you

Actually would love to send toddler in for the day he would have great fun and free childcare bonous Actually MIL is fab and does childcare as needed

I've heard really good things about ecigs, I know loads of smokers who've switched over to them long term.

How does your partner's ex feel about the maintenance and his (their?) debts being higher than his income? Would she be willing to try to manage on a bit less if you are otherwise amicable? I know I wouldn't be that happy about my children being subsidised by their dad's new partner. If the maintenance was worked out for the first time based on his current wage it would presumably be a lot less. I know it's difficult when children are involved but your own children are suffering the effect of your financial situation whereas maintenance has continued as normal for hers.

It sounds like life is really tough for a lot of you there right now, I feel very sorry for you.

He sounds like a complete cocklodger

Ive no advice regarding the debt that pp havnt already given....however I was a smoker for 15years (14-29 only breaks were pregnancy)
Kids didn't make me give up, health didn't make me either. It was when I realised that £45 a bloody week was going on them!!
I bought an ecig and some oils, which set me back £50 and gave myself the goal of smoking it for at least a week to make my money back, and then I could assess how I felt about it.
I havnt looked back - costs me about a tenner a week on my fancy oils but that's a huge saving and I'm not killing myself
I really think its just about finding the right ecig and the right vapours. Which any good shop will be able to talk you through.
My x was a 40a day smoker and has done amazingly on just his ecig for over a year now! Well worth a try

Can he take any overseas duty or a leave of absence to work abroad and get some additional cash? Appreciate that leaves you at home as a single parent but for 12 months or so it might be worth it especially if your MIL is a godsend.