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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have been upset by man at work

28 replies

lemonbanana · 18/01/2016 21:33

He has dementia so totally not his fault and I'm not angry with him, but he kept saying I was fucking ugly and looked like a man and was a fat bitch. Don't get me wrong I'm not angry with him personally as I know he didn't know what he was saying and his wife was really apologetic and said he'd never even have sworn in front of a woman once, so I just feel very sad for him. But I also know he was saying what he thought was true and that hurts that I look like that to people.

OP posts:

Hassled · 18/01/2016 21:36

He wasn't saying what he thought was true, though, was he? Is that really how dementia works? You're right, it is terribly sad and I can see why it's upset you.

SaucyJack · 18/01/2016 21:36

That must've sucked. Sorry dude.

Original poster

lemonbanana · 18/01/2016 21:37

I think it can kind of get like toddlers saying as they see it.

OP posts:

theycallmemellojello · 18/01/2016 21:38

Oh sorry, that's horrible, poor you. It's not what people think when they look at you though. You don't say stuff like that because it's what you think, it's an expression of bitter unhappiness.

Original poster

lemonbanana · 18/01/2016 21:38

I hope you're right

OP posts:

Leelu6 · 18/01/2016 21:39

YANBU, of course that's upsetting. People are odd. A friend once told me 'you look ugly today'. She was projecting her own insecurities onto me (even though she was sometimes a model). We lost touch but I still remember her saying that, and my total non-reaction.

Plus, the way you have handled it shows you have a ❤️ of gold.

MummyZELC · 18/01/2016 21:41

I used to work in a nursing home the things the dementia patients said varied from hilarious to absolutely shocking but were never ever taken to heart. Including one where a cater was told 'they must be a moody bastard because their father was a cunt who fiddled with them when they were a child'
Seriously they have no idea what they're saying, it makes no sense to them or anyone else. Please do not take it to heart

TiggyD · 18/01/2016 22:15

I get it from the children I look after sometimes. I get the odd comment about me having a baby in my tummy. I'm a man by the way. And the other day I was talking about growing a moustache (Only in fun) and a child bent down in order to look up at me and said "you DO have a moustache. It's up your nose!". Trimmers came out when I got home.

I know what you're saying. Some things are just better left unsaid but sometimes you get to hear them and it does hurt, even if there was no malicious intent involved.

scarlets · 18/01/2016 22:22

A dementia patient called my aunt a "little tart" once. At the time, my aunt was about 70, and was probably make-up free and wearing a cardigan.

Don't worry. Tomorrow, he'll probably think you're his best mate from school and ask to copy your maths homework or something. It's a desperately sad illness that makes people talk nonsense.

QueenLaBeefah · 18/01/2016 22:26

Sounds crap.

I don't think it is comparable with a toddler's lack of tact. People with dimentia can often be very viscous with their outbursts.

LuluJakey1 · 18/01/2016 22:29

My uncle has dementia and he used to say totally irrational things, certainly not what he would have thought.

He told a nurse she looked like a 'big fat pudding' -she must have been a size 14 max.

He told my DH that my auntie was 'one for the sailors down at the docks'. She was the most shy, reserved, kindly, unworldly woman you would ever meet who never even had a boyfriend until she met and married him at 40.

He stripped all his clothes off on the hospital ward and weed onto his bed shouting 'Everyone look at my cock' at visiting time. He worked for some government agency during the cold war until he retired, translating Russian info. He painted landscapes, read novels in Russian and French and even on holiday wore vests, shirts buttoned to the neck, a tie, a blazer, full length flannel trousers and shoes and socks. He would never have done something like that and would have been appalled by someone who had.

He told a Dr that he hated me and I tried to kill him and inject him with polonium- whatever that is. He loved me to bits.

Please don't think they do and say what they really think. Thinking has often been totally corrupted and lost.

AlpacaLypse · 18/01/2016 22:41

I think very often people at the very beginning and very end stages (i.e. toddlers and people with dementia) pick up on one very small indicator and tie in a huge amount of extra 'stuff' to it. So lady with fluffy grey hair -GRANNY!!! Lady with even smallest trace of lipstick - TART!!!!!

Based on subliminal perceptions dating back to the mid twentieth century.

YWBU to let it really get to you, but YANBU to not feel a bit stressed and upset.

If you're caring for older people and earning the standard wage for the job,

I find it deeply depressing that my pet care agency can charge approximately twice as much per hour for looking after people's pets than we can for looking after their human family.

BlueJug · 18/01/2016 22:54

Mum has dementia. Not at that stage yet - but it is inevitable. I couldn't manage without her carers. Than you for being such a lovely carer. It is a hard job. My Mum says all sorts of things. she mixes up what she has seen on television with things she remembers from 60 years ago.

I am sure that you are not ugly - and anyway I don't believe in ugly. You sound really nice and kind and lovely. And have had a rough day.

Cataline · 18/01/2016 22:57

It's really awful and shocking but can you try and laugh it off?
I used to regularly get told "fuck off you fat ugly old cunt"
It was hard to deal with at first but once I stopped taking it personally it just became noise!

IoraRua · 18/01/2016 23:04

You're a lovely person. :)
Try not to let it get to you - he's got a terrible illness and really not in control of what he's saying.

Ludoole · 18/01/2016 23:35

My dad has alzheimers and vascular dementia. He has started saying things like that. Please dont take it personally.
He told my mum that she couldnt be hid wife because she was a man... .
Its just the illness.

Ludoole · 18/01/2016 23:35

His not hid... bloody phone 😠

Katenka · 19/01/2016 06:55

Dh used to work in a home for people with dementia. When he was in the houses (this home had separate wards called 'houses') people would say all sorts.

He man called him 'fat bastard' and he is skinny. Would constantly shout 'fat bastard' at him. No one else. I don't think they always do say what they are thinking and being overly honest.

There was a woman who always said 'I bet you have a massive dick' she was 94. Some of the stuff that I heard was quite shocking. But often had no basis in the truth.

Do you feel unhappy with your appearance? Has it hit a nerve?

Is that why you are so upset?

I take my hat off to carers. I think your an amazing job, working in difficult conditions.

RideEmCowgirl · 19/01/2016 07:09

If you feel it is true, could you use this as your motivation to change your appearance? ONLY though if you are unhappy and WANT to change. If you are happy with how you look, then try and brush it off.

timelytess · 19/01/2016 07:15

There was a woman who always said 'I bet you have a massive dick' she was 94
This is going to be me in a few years time, the scurrilous old lady who says inappropriate things. I'm cringing now for the person I'll be then!

OP, what you actually look like isn't the spur for what he says. He has to express his displeasure and cause an effect, and this is how he's doing it. He might just as easily have said 'You're a barren woman' if you had six children. He isn't firing on all cylinders.

Don't think you have to change your appearance for him or for anyone else.

londonrach · 19/01/2016 07:35

Every 6 weeks i see a lady with dementia who tells me im an evil bitch and shes going to get her mother to sort me out. Im very fond of her and her long suffering daughter. Dont know why im fond of her maybe because i know she doesnt mean it and its the horrible disease thats making her say these things. Also helps that her daughter and i try and keep a positive talk about cakes (we can discuss every cake under the sun and her mother usually joins in). going with her. Dont take it to heart op, its the disease not the person. Some of the things patients with dementia have said have had me in fits of laughter which is very hard to keep a professional face. I have very fond memories of one chap who used to whistle little songs to me when i visited him at his home. Never heard him talk but boy could be keep to tune whistling!

AGreatBigWorld · 19/01/2016 07:39

My Great Aunt was very confused towards the end of her life (she was 102 when she died) My Mum and i used to go and visit her in the nursing home. This conversation happened one afternoon when we arrived and sat in her room.
Great Aunt looked directly at me and said to my Mum.
"She's putting on weight Stella!"
"Is she Barbara? I hadn't noticed?"
"Yes she is!"..............pause
"I have a good idea Stella, send her to Siberia for a week that will sort her out!!!"
Silence from Mum and I and then Mum changed the subject.
Then just before we left.........
"I have a better idea Stella!!"
"Oh yes????"
"Put her on the roof of the house and leave her there!!!"
When we got in the car i asked Mum to remind me why i visited her.
I did love her really!!!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/01/2016 07:51

It's the illness. I used to be addressed as "filthy little shitehawk" by one of DW's charges, to which I would always reply courteously. DW herself is currently sporting facial bruising after being punched by an ex-boxer. Have a and chill.

CheesyNachos · 19/01/2016 08:06

Oh you poor DW Disgrace Is she okay?

Poor OP too, and everyone else who has experienced this.

CwtchMeQuick · 19/01/2016 08:27

Used to work with dementia sufferers too and I've had some awful things said to me but I know it was never meant.
One that particularly sticks in my mind is a lady who said 'you look like you've been around the block a few times' Me: 'what do you mean?' Her: 'Well just look at how you're dressed! You look like a tart! Boobs out! tart'
She was blind
When I asked her she said she could make out my shadow and it looked slutty. Then told me I was her favourite granddaughter.
They don't mean what they say op and most people would be mortified if they knew what they were saying/doing.
for all the carers about there doing an amazing job

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