to ask what your rules are about sharing belongings?

[livvielunch]

Does everything have set owners and others have to ask permission to use them? Do you have a few prized possessions that are not for sharing but everything else is fair game?

I have four daughters, one is a baby.

DD1, the eldest, is awful at sharing. She'd rather hide belongings than let her siblings play with them. If a sibling finds something that belongs to her, even if it's something she hasnt shown any interest in in months, she'll demand it back instantly.

The younger two are much better at sharing but more so with each other than eldest dd. Eldest dd will approach them to play by taking whatever toy/figure she wants to play with and is very concerned with everything being fair. However, she expects to be able to share anything she wants but for all her belongings to be sacred. Interested in what others approaches are to sharing.

How old are the oldest 3?

In this house you ask if you want to use something belonging to someone else.

I think it's fair for people to have things that are theirs and say no to sharing but only for some things.

Eg. Teen has a laptop which is hers. I don't expect her to share that. However I do expect her to share dvds and other non expensive generic items. Which she does.

Dd 2 is very happy to share anything. She's 10 and very generous with her things but you have to ask. If you just take something she blows a gasket!!

I think that prized possessions with special meaning should be sacred, but that kids can learn to share things that are not special, generic, and easy to replace.
So is there an activity such as colouring where they can share the pens? Can you buy her some things and say that these things are for you to share with the others?

9, 4 and 3.

So say I was hoovering and found a figure under the sofa that eldest lost weeks ago and the younger two are playing with it when their sister arrives home from school. She would tell them it's hers and demand it back immediately, only to stash it away in a drawer. Is that ok because it's hers? In this situation I would say she can ask for it back but must wait patiently rather than whine and that if she isn't going to use it then she should be letting the others do so.

I'm the second eldest of four and I was just like your eldest.
I hated having my things ruined by my younger siblings.
I was always made to share though, and encourage my daughter to let her cousins play with her things, although she ultimately has the right to refuse to.

Depends on their ages and what the item is. It is good to teach them to ask before borrowing each other's belongings because as they get older it may become more of a problem (makeup/clothes etc).
A friend of a friend has 4 grown up daughters. When the eldest two daughters were teenagers (in the early 80's), they fought over a jumper. The younger daughter wanted to borrow it and the older daughter wouldn't lend it to her. In a fit of rage, the younger daughter tried to flush it down the toilet and flooded the bathroom .

I don't think everything can be 'hers' because by nature of being first she will have been given way more toys than the others. It's not like you're going to go out and buy 4 of the same toy are you?

Special things are special. Generic things should be shared. Although it's a tricky age and she's out at school whilst, in her eyes, her sisters are at home having fun with you!

Permission first, with encouragement to be kind - and complete support if her sibling damage any of her things.

A five year age gap is pretty big at 9 and 4 and that needs to be acknowledged, maybe get her involved in a chat about things she can pass on because she doesn't need/play with them but don't force it - that will only lead to resentment.

Things that belong to one dc, really do belong to them and others would need their permission to borrow the thing.

I also have quite a lot of things though (so the lego box for example) where it all belongs to all of them - lego is expensive, but much better with lots of pieces to build with, so a joint box makes sense. Same with box of cars, box of dinosaurs, etc.

When part of a larger family, I think it's really important that you are able to have your own things, even though it's also nice to encourage people to share, they need to know they have the right to say no.

If they wouldn't break it and they return it in the same condition they get it in, I would let them play with it. Especially if your dd isn't playing with it. At 9, your dd probably wants her own privacy and belongings so it is difficult to please everyone

Anything new doesn't have to be shared unless the owner agrees, but it must be given back when requested... for about a month. Same with anything precious or really valued by one child, or age inappropriate for a younger sibling (thats X's, you're not old enough to play with it)

Everything else is first come first served, you can't just remove something the other child is playing with because its 'yours' if you're not going to play with it. Asking for something then stashing it will end in me getting it back out and returning it ot the one playing with it.

Arguing over items ends up in neither getting it (i will confiscate it)

-shudder- so many bad memories.
As an eldest I was always told to -share- wig my younger brother, with a lot of the excuses given above "you were first so you got more", "he's only little."
He systematically broke every Christmas present I received for a decade, was twice my size until I hit my teens and was awful, and I mean goldfish murdering awful, he bent the bars on the stairgate once to go raid the fridge. He's a perfectly lovely bloke now but was an utter bast@rd until puberty.
Sharing is important but she's had 5 years of stuff being hers and now she's expected to share, there are some great books on the subject and she's old enough for a grown up conversation, but I can assure you if you enforce everything is for sharing except special things expect her to be pretty free with your stuff when she hits her teens, after all, fair is fair.

Personally I think it's very mean spirited to demand something back just because it's "yours" and then stash it away, if siblings were playing with it. It's not behaviour I'd encourage or allow. I think do to others as you would be done to yourself!

If she doesn't share her stuff, I wouldn't let her play with the younger children's toys. I have an 8 and 4 yr old, things that would get broken or damaged I don't expect to be shared with the little one. Anything appropriate, eg robust toys, trains etc I expect them to share. If one is being stroppy about sharing I remind them that they won't be playing with the other child's toys if they're not sharing theirs. Bedrooms are invite only to give them some privacy / ability to put special toys to one side that they don't want to share.
If we go out and they take toys, eg sand toys to the park (has a sand pit) I expect them to share as well, with each other and any other children there.

My kids are allowed to refuse to share most of their toys, pens, scooters, sticker books, craft sets, electronic devices etc. We share books, board games, Lego, playmobil, some outdoor toys, general craft stuff etc. They do share toys too a lot of the time but we don't make them if they don't want to.

With my teenagers, you need to ask to borrow somebody else's things, but the assumption is that the answer will be yes and the person borrowing treats the item with utmost respect and doesn't damage it. You can't borrow chocolate, but you might trade for it and you have to give a piece to mum if she asks for it.

They've shared since they were little. I didn't put up with stashing away of things in a drawer to keep things away from siblings, as long as the item was age-appropriate - that would warrant a discussion around the perceived need to do that and an explanation of how said items would be properly looked after. I think that rule didn't apply if friends were round, though.

I have 4 - oldest DD is 17 but she will share her laptop and what not with her brothers (and her GHDs with me) if they are not in use and she is asked nicely. My 3 sons who are (10,10 and 8) are expected to share most things. They have their own electronic items (tablets and chromebooks etc) and those are theirs that should be borrowed only if asked. The youngest has a 'special' toy that is his and no one else would take that. Figures and games etc are fair game...I think its pretty horrible to take something like an action figure from a child playing nicely only to stash it in a drawer - I wouldn't accept that. My lot are pretty self regulating mind you, I don't often have to lecture about sharing as they lend and borrow quite nicely..that said they are closer in age than your girls

Just place marking for later.

I think she's quite spiteful tbh. She's not bothered that the toy was lost then when it's found she rather stash it away than let anyone use it. The next time she takes the little ones stuff ask her why it's ok to use theirs when she is selfish about her stuff ?

I'm a bit mean I think; if DS1 is willing to go into DS2's room and play with his stuff, he has to be equally willing to share. He has stuff that's precious, things like Lego models which are on the shelves in his room which I'd expect DS2 to never touch (and in DS2's defence, he doesn't meddle) but little bits and bobs and toys are everyone's and they're very good at sharing. If they bicker over something I ask who had it first rather than who it belongs to; whoever had it first gets it back, the other person waits for a turn.

When DS2 was born we made a point of teaching DS1 to take care of special stuff so that DS2 couldn't attack/eat it as he became more mobile. Seems to have worked.

all three of mine are fairly good at sharing however middle one is very snatchy with toys he used to have that have been passed on to younger brother so ive got a rule yes you can keep it yes it can be yours but don't play with younger sibs toys and don't expect older sib to play on minecraft with you he is slowly learning to share he is seven

I have 2 girls 4.5 & 8 & they absolutely share everything that is age appropriate (ie 4yo will not be "sharing" the chemistry set)

this goes hand in hard with treating things with respect and not trashing stuff.

they have their own jewelry boxes and bits like that but are both more than happy to share with the other and "ownership" of objects really isn't an issue. I guess there is enough of an age gape to avoid disputes re toys.

So far at least.

I don't make my dc share anything but they are fairly good about sharing regardless.
Things like one player games on pc or play station I will keep an eye on the time so that it tends to work out evenly in the end.

We did have an issue in that dss wouldn't let ds use his stuff ever but would expect turns with ds's things and would tell on him frequently despite ds being pretty free with his stuff.
He would usually be told not to be so ridiculous as to expect his way on both issues of sharing, but equally I will not allow his things to be used when he's not here.

Your eldest gets the best of both worlds atm, sole use of her things, and shared use of her siblings things.
I would give her the option of sharing nothing both ways, or sharing everything both ways, a few precious things allowed to be exempt for all 3.