to ask what your rules are about sharing belongings?

[livvielunch]

Does everything have set owners and others have to ask permission to use them? Do you have a few prized possessions that are not for sharing but everything else is fair game?

I have four daughters, one is a baby.

DD1, the eldest, is awful at sharing. She'd rather hide belongings than let her siblings play with them. If a sibling finds something that belongs to her, even if it's something she hasnt shown any interest in in months, she'll demand it back instantly.

The younger two are much better at sharing but more so with each other than eldest dd. Eldest dd will approach them to play by taking whatever toy/figure she wants to play with and is very concerned with everything being fair. However, she expects to be able to share anything she wants but for all her belongings to be sacred. Interested in what others approaches are to sharing.

I can see this from your eldest DD's point of view. She's 5 years older than her nearest sibling and had those 5 years of everything being 'hers'. Then two babies come along and suddenly she has to share, or as she sees it hand over all her precious toyses to two much younger girls who might break them or just do it wrong. I think she's just trying to reassert herself a bit.

Does she get much 'special' one-on-one time with you? You must be very busy with four, and three of them under 4. I think her behaviour is motivated by feeling a bit 'odd one out' as the eldest surrounded by all these tinies, and might be helped by making a bit of a fuss of her along with whatever rules you think appropriate for sharing.

Special toys were not for sharing. Everything else was their own and they could say no but if they did this too often then they would be told ok, but you can't use anybody elses either.

The second something was stashed into a drawer and had obviously been removed for no purpose then that rule would apply. And carry it out for long enough for the message to be driven home.

I have a 3 year old and a 9 month old.
9 month old cannot be prevented from picking up 3 year olds toys but 3 year old is allowed to take them back if he offers a swap for a suitable baby toy.

Three things might be at play here:

1. She didn't have the early experience of sharing for 5 years, whereas both your younger children have always had to share.

2.Children are quite savvy. The younger ones will have greater trust with eachother because they both understand sharing, whereas they know their older sister doesn't so may not want to share with her as she won't share back.

1. She might not want them to play with her stuff as she's getting to that age where things are more precious to her.

Don't know what you can do about it now - maybe a chat with her about her things and sharing. Let her explain why she does what she does. How does she get on at school? Does it affect how she plays games - does she play fairly and take turns etc?

I intitally policed sharing until it was drummed in. So if someone has the toy first, the other has to ask in order to play with it - they can't just take it. If they do they have to give it back.

If someone wants to play with their toy and they aren't playing with it, then it's still their choice but I would say 'you aren't using it, it would be kind to let them have a go'. If that toy is breakable or precious to the older child I would say 'go and pop it in your room then' and explain to the other children it's their favourite. But I would also encourage them to let other people have a look at how great that toy is if they were happy to do it - so they can let others play with it as a way of showing off.

If the child who doesn't find sharing easy asks to play with another child's favourite toy and is refused, that's a good time to point out that they do the same with their toys.

It's all about talking it through before the row occurs but sticking to the rules so they are fair to everyone and explaining the rules of sharing everytime there is an issue. Once they have these things said to them a dozen times they start to understand and do it themselves.

Yes and the baby won't get the sharing thing yet, so explain to the children that she will release the toy if they give her something else to play with. But they can't snatch from her as snatching isn't in the rules, but trading is.

With the older one you could sit with her and watch the other ones and say - 'see how x shared with y then, that was really kind, wasn't it?' or 'look how x made that toy look really interesting so the baby would take it and give her back her toy.'

Mine have a 5 year age gap.

For the eldest, anything she doesn't/didn't want to share had to be kept in her room. Younger not allowed to borrow things from there. Communal toys kept elsewhere.

As eldest outgrows things / needs more space in room she passes them to me to decide whether to keep/throw/hand down. She can keep outgrown 'special' things in a box in her room or the loft.

DD1 not allowed to directly pass things down to DD2. Stops arguments if DD1 changes mind, and also stops DD2 getting things too early (or that were gifts to DD1 but I didn't like).

I dunno. My four are pretty good at sharing. They do ask to borrow stuff but no one ever refuses. They are all quite respectful of stuff though and take care of each others things.

My two girls (17 and 20) wear each others clothes all the time. They wouldn't swap make up though for hygiene reasons. Books, DVDs and computer games are considered communal really. We have masses of old Play mobile, Lego and board games that the nine year old plunders. I doubt anyone would have a clue whose was originally whose.