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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To issue an ultimatum re: snoring?

33 replies

CowPatRoberts · 14/01/2016 13:47

Partner is great generally- could be a bit more proactive but then again so could I. He's always snored but it's gotten louder and louder as time goes on and I'm now at the point where I can hear him through my ear plugs. I poke/speak to him and he stops...for approximately 15 seconds, then starts up again.

He's aware of the issue obviously, but whereas I've researched and purchased various things to help myself sleep through it he isn't bothered in the slightest. He apologises, but that's as far as it goes. Last night I had 3 hours sleep and when he woke up HE was grumpy because "I kept waking him up and he was knackered".

Feel like I'm too tired to respond normally and there's a very good chance I'm overreacting, but at the moment I would do anything for a good nights sleep.

WIBU to issue an ultimatum that until he starts taking responsibility for the snoring himself, then we'll alternately sleep on the sofa? Until I get chance to purchase a new duvet (been meaning to get a nice one for ages to replace my current basic one) I was thinking that whoever is on the sofa that night gets the duvet whereas the person who keeps the bed can use a collection of our many throws and blankets (which are more than adequate).

Is this fair? Am I mental? Should I just start sleeping in the office loo at lunchtime?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 14/01/2016 13:48

YANBU, it torture. Have you recorded it so that he knows how loud he is?

Original poster

CowPatRoberts · 14/01/2016 13:52

Not yet- that's my plan tonight!

OP posts:

JarethTheGoblinKing · 14/01/2016 13:57

I had to do this. I was going insane from lack of sleep. DP had started smoking again which made it so much worse..

Robotgirl · 14/01/2016 13:57

Hi cowpat
Oh my god, that's so weird. Was just looking for where to put a very similar thread (Won't hijack yours, don't worry!) - I don't live with Dp but he stays over about 3 times PW & it's SO frustrating! I feel your pain! Sleep deprivation is pure torture!
Haven't tried any devices (do they ever work?)
You're NOT being unreasonable IMHO... You are trying to get some well deserved KIP!

Original poster

CowPatRoberts · 14/01/2016 13:59

Oh god yes- the smoking!

"I'll give up in September"

...

"I'll give up in November, promise!"

...

"Okay, New Year's resolution- going to stop smoking!"

...and yet here we are.

OP posts:

UmbongoUnchained · 14/01/2016 14:01

My mum and her husband sleep in separate rooms. They were actually at the point of divorce it was so bad.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 14/01/2016 14:01

DPs snoring improved a LOT when he had given up. He lost a little weight too (not much, just a few pounds) but that made a difference as well. But then he started smoking again

Idefix · 14/01/2016 14:01

Sounds like sleep apnoea and time for a trip to the gp, agree it is hell to live with.

Is he overweight? If he is weightloss might help.

Strangertides1 · 14/01/2016 14:01

Yanbu! A snoring partner is awful. Me and dh now sleep in separate rooms, his snoring is awful. Add that to the fact we have a 1 and 3 year old and am 6 month pg the sleep deprivation just got to much. We still go to bed together but when sleep time comes I head off to the other room with the baby monitors. We are a much happier because of it. Perhaps a sofa bed is the way forward for you. X

Marzipants · 14/01/2016 14:02

Has he spoken to the doctor about it? If he's snoring a lot and waking up tired it could be sleep apnea. Worth looking into, and it might be the kick in the bum he needs to sort it.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 14/01/2016 14:02

Oh yes, sleep apnoea. I've been trying to get DP to the GP, but he's not interested. So he's on the sofa for the foreseeable

Writerwannabe83 · 14/01/2016 14:02

I have a spare room that I sleep in frequently when DH's snoring is bad!! You have my sympathies

AuntieStella · 14/01/2016 14:03

He can't help snoring.

He is however being an arse if he doesn't go and see the GP to see what if anything can be done medically to alleviate it.

Original poster

CowPatRoberts · 14/01/2016 14:04

Nope, has literally done zero research and tried out zero remedies. That's really the main issue, when I was able to counteract it with earplugs it was something we referred to as an adorable foible, now they've stopped working and I can't find anything else to work on my side it's clear he sees it as "my problem".

OP posts:

GoringBit · 14/01/2016 14:05

So he's not given up smoking, even though he knows it makes his snoring worse, and he knows that his snoring disturbs your sleep? And he complains that you disturb him?

He's being very inconsiderate. YWNBU to issue the ultimatum, but I doubt it'll change anything.

Good luck.

sparechange · 14/01/2016 14:06

I've seen loads of ads over the past week for some sort of ring the snorer wears on their finger, which is supposed to stop snowing. No idea if it works, but it has a money back guarantee
I think it is called something like the Good Night ring?

namechangedtoday15 · 14/01/2016 14:10

YAdefinitelyNBU but I wouldn't be offering to alternate with him on the sofa. He gets the sofa full stop and you get the bed. His issue, his responsibility to sort it out. The sofa might be enough motivation.

RatherBeRiding · 14/01/2016 14:12

Good luck. I had separate bedrooms with ex for years because of this. It is torture. To be fair to him, he did try various remedies including surgery. Which didn't work unfortunately. Nothing worked. However, I know some people can get some snoring relief with various remedies so he is being extremely selfish not to at least try.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/01/2016 14:13

I divorced my first husband for this, I asked him nicely and have him plenty of support to attempt to manage his problem (loud enough for neighbour complaints) he didn't bother, I nearly died in a car accident caused by exhaustion.

So I binned him. He had 6 serious relationships after all failed for the same reason, he's had an op now and no longer snores.

He should have done it years ago

pocketsaviour · 14/01/2016 14:17

I tried a lot of stuff with my ex to get him to take responsibility for his snoring.

I recorded him and he couldn't believe I hadn't somehow manipulated the recording. So the next night I told him to leave his iphone on record when he went to sleep and listen for himself. He couldn't refute that.

We tried humidifiers which helped a bit. Nasal strips did nothing. I had ear plugs - oh, so many ear plugs.

Final straw was when I had to be up at 5.30am for work and had got about 2hrs of sleep. The next night he downloaded an app on his phone called "stop snoring" or something like that. You put the phone under your pillow with the app running and every time you start snoring, the phone goes "Wake up! Yoo hoo! You're snoring!"

Needless to say he woke up in the morning going "Oh my god, I hardly slept, that stupid thing was going off all night!" I pointed out this was what I had to put up with EVERY night, and by the way the phone app was a lot quieter than the actual snoring...

He was diagnosed with sleep apnoea 6 weeks later, and the specialist said it was actually very dangerous if he had continued undiagnosed, as he drove a lot for work. Also he had high blood pressure and during his episodes his heart rate was reaching some insane peak like 170 BPM

Once he was fitted with a CPAP mask I never needed ear plugs again. Amazing.

Cheby · 14/01/2016 14:17

YADNBU. After years of sleep deprivation from snoring my DH just kept getting worse, got to the point where DD started almost sleeping through but DH was waking me every 20 mins with the snoring. I frog marched him to the GP (had almost a year of rows about it, eventually he said he was embarrassed but that didn't really wash as an excuse as I was pissed off that he apparently preferred to avoid some minor embarrassment and let me suffer with no sleep for that whole time). He got sent for a sleep study, they diagnosed mild sleep apnea, he's got a CPAP, and when he remembers to wear the bloody thing he no longer snores.

He's also no longer tired all the time; the sleep studies showed his snoring was hugely disturbing his own sleep as well. It really is beneficial for everyone to get it sorted, I would put my foot down and say he had to at least ask the GP about it.

Epilepsyhelp · 14/01/2016 14:21

Make him try the snoring spray you can get from boots. Worked absolute miracles on my ex and it isn't nasty to use.

OurBlanche · 14/01/2016 14:24

Don't hang your hopes on stopping smoking, losing weight, having a small operation... only CPAP works for certain.

Mine did everything he should. Still shakes the house down every night. He hasn't tried CPAP as we have had separate rooms for years and as he also sleeps like a super sweaty starfish, head covered, feet hanging out of the quilt, he isn't fit company for bed anyway!

Babyroobs · 14/01/2016 14:27

YANBU. My dh has slept on the sofa for a couple of years now due to his snoring which is unbearable. I feel terrible that he does this and I do offer to take turns and go on the sofa myself, but the says he sleeps ok there wheras I don't. It is a horrible situation. I work some nightshifts, about 5 a month so he gets to sleep in the bed on those nights. He is badly asthmatic, has had various operations to clean sinuses out, has tried various mouth guard things, has had sleep studies done but still the noise is unbearable ! I cannot see a long term solution until one of the kids have left home and he can have his own bedroom ! My parents have had seperate bedrooms for years due to my df's dreadful snoring .

MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 14/01/2016 14:30

I told DH that it was GP or splitting up. He went to the GP, was sent to the sleep clinic and left there with a diagnosis of sleep apnea and a CPAP machine. I LOVE his CPAP machine possibly more than DH.

What also helped was that we had a big holiday booked, but we'd have to share a room with the DC. DD2 pointed out that she heard him snoring most nights from her room, why did he think it was OK to be so selfish when we would all be sharing a room?

My god though, the exhaustion was worse than with babies . And it wasn't just the being woken up by snoring, it was the lying awake, not able to drop off again, because you just knew the snoring would start up.

DH got quite a shock at the clinic though, when the doctor pointed out how much more likely to drop dead of a heart attack he was because of the untreated apnea, and then seeing his printout of disturbances, when he realised that he'd been subjecting me to that every single night. He did admit after a month or so that maybe the CPAP machine was quite good, and he was feeling less tired than he had been. I was lovely and didn't say "told you so"

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