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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disheartened by dating site?

44 replies

Oldisthenewblack · 13/01/2016 12:09

I joined Plenty Of Fish a couple of weeks ago, just to see what was 'out there' really. To say I'm not impressed so far is an understatement. The majority of the men don't put a great deal of information in their profile, many say "anything you want to know, ask!" which is really irritating. The ones who message me do that "hi, how are you?" thing or even worse "hi gorgeous". I'm so disheartened (yes, I know it's only been two weeks!). I'm not that fussed about meeting someone really, just wanted to put the feelers out as it were. I may retract my feelers.

Is it just PoF or are other sites pretty much the same? Any good experiences to share to give me hope?

OP posts:

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 13/01/2016 12:12

I have no experience of this kind of thing and this is a matter for which I am daily grateful. Sometimes it is SO reassuring to be past all this. Maybe I've failed to move with the times but I honestly don't think I'd get into OLD even if I was 20 years younger - everything about it sound so awful.
Isn't POF the one that's basically just a no-strings shagging site? Perhaps you'd be better off with one of the more selective ones?

wasonthelist · 13/01/2016 12:15

Yanbh op. OLD is useless. Speaking as a bloke I could level all the same criticisms of the majority of women's profiles. It just made me feel more unwanted. I've given up.

TheTigerIsOut · 13/01/2016 12:19

you may need to write a better profile to attract more suitable candidates.

You also need to grow a thick skin and do not get too involved with it. If the profile you are looking at is lame, just press next. If you get a lazy email (anyhthing shorter than a couple of sentences, just press delete. No further action required.

Going into paying dating sites may put you in contact with people who are more serious about finding someone, bit sometimes they may have so little subscribers in your area that is not woth the expense (and many of those will also have a profile in POF)

Nabootique · 13/01/2016 12:20

I have a quite large amount of admiration for people who do OLD (I have several friends that do). The amount of sifting through profiles and messages, the disappointment, the total weirdos, it just sounds exhausting. I have one friend who was averaging at about 3 dates a week at one point and still didn't meet anyone.

I gave it a go once. Had one date. It was bad and I was put off for life.

I just meet people in real life and do it the old fashioned way.

TheTigerIsOut · 13/01/2016 12:25

And no, it doesn't have to be awful, it depends very much on how you conduct yourself and your choices on who to communicate with.

Frankly, if you are at work all day,most of your friends are married and you don't go out regularly, where are you going to meet someone? The supermarket?

Original poster

Oldisthenewblack · 13/01/2016 12:30

I'm 46, by the way, so no youngster. I met my previous partner via OLD and it seemed at that time, a few years ago, I spoke to a few decent men online. In some ways, I find talking to people online much easier, as I'm rather reserved and at times, a tad shy. It really helps me to find out how someone expresses themselves via the written word too, as I think that can reveal a lot about them.

As it's only been two weeks, I'm leaving my profile up there for now. Luckily, I'm really not that bothered but I do enjoy chatting to people online.

OP posts:

Queenbean · 13/01/2016 12:31

Set your settings so that people can only message you if they've written over 50 characters. It avoids all the 1-5 word first messages

Message the ones you like, don't bother to think you just wait for someone else to message first
Grow a thick skin and don't take it personally
Remember that no one will ever be messaging / dating just you and don't get het up about it

Have fun! I had the best time on POF! Loads of funny stories came out of it

ChubbyPolecat · 13/01/2016 12:31

Nope I'm feeling exactly the same. Met one guy and didn't click but I definitely aren't getting as many hits as when I was 24! (Only 29 now!) Just getting a lot of boring men saying "hi how's you" which is guaranteed to not get a response. I also matched with a lot of people on tinder and not one single person has messaged me first

Original poster

Oldisthenewblack · 13/01/2016 12:33

TheTigerIsOut - exactly. Some people don't have the opportunity to meet people in 'real life'. It's not for everyone, of course, but can be a useful tool.

OP posts:

FighterPilotsThumbs · 13/01/2016 12:34

Plenty of Fish is the virtual equivalent of a city centre Yates at 1.30am on a Saturday night.

OKC is much better. The people are, in general, much more intelligent and interesting.

I have to say though, you have to make your profile stand out of you want to attract attention.

I immediately skip past the hundreds of profiles that all say the same generic stuff and I would never send an opening message unless there's something about the profile that has 'hooked' me.

ylimintin · 13/01/2016 12:41

YANBU, and YABU.

POF is a strange site, I guess because it's free to use it attracts some, err, eccentric weirdos people.
Highlights for me included a much older man who wanted to take me and my for days out, and basically be a sugar daddy without my ever having messaged him back.

However... I did meet DP on there [Blush]... we don't tell people, unless they're really good friends or random strangers on the internet We've been together for over five years. He's ok I guess

Persevere OP!

ylimintin · 13/01/2016 12:42

*Me and my DC for days out

Original poster

Oldisthenewblack · 13/01/2016 12:45

I think my profile may be a bit too different...definitely not run of the mill. I suspect that's why it doesn't appeal to a lot of men on there. But it's me, my sense of humour and anyone it does appeal to will be the person I may want to hear from!

OP posts:

SuperCee7 · 13/01/2016 12:46

Try different sites, paid ones are better. I know some see it as a waste, but if others are also paying to be on the site then they are less likely to be time wasting wierdo's.

donajimena · 13/01/2016 12:52

I met my thoroughly lovely OH on Okcupid. After an awful lot of 'how's you'
As for meeting people in RL... that would have been great. Except very little child free time meant they would have to have knocked on my door.
look upon it as widening your pool. There doesn't have to be a time limit on it.
I know people who say 'oh I did it for a month and it was rubbish' just leave a profile up and monitor it from time to time.

TheTigerIsOut · 13/01/2016 12:54

I have to say the only weirdo I went out with, was downloaded from a paying site. It was a nice professional weirdo though.

Having said that there was a scary properly aggressive psycho in POF which changed his name very often (i suppose after been eeported and deleted). Incidentally he also had a profile in Match.

There are no guarantees, I suppose.

LuciaInFurs · 13/01/2016 12:59

I met my husband on Plenty of Fish. In my profile I wrote about books and authors I liked in the hopes that it would keep away the 'eccentrics'. It did not. You do need to wade through the nutters and hang in there.

Paid for sites tend to attract, on the whole, a nicer and more serious crowd. A friend of mine met her husband on eHarmony but it was very expensive.

I didn't find online dating any more different to meeting people at bars or university but I was 19.

Good luck!

SevenOfNineTrue · 13/01/2016 13:00

Trouble is POF is free, so you get all sorts on there. You start to get wise to the idiots and know the signs. For me anyone who said 'Not interested in emailing, I'll only meet up' I ignore. I am not wasting a precious evening and the price of a drink if I don't think we'd have enough in common to make it worth my while.

On the bright side I had a good laugh at some of the messages I recieved

LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2016 13:00

I just meet people in real life and do it the old fashioned way

If this was easy online dating sites wouldnt exist!

These sites are just a modern equivalent of something that has existed for a long time - I met my DH through the "lonely hearts" section of a newspaper, this was in 1997, yes there were a fair few disasters and negative experiences before him but when I met my now DH we just clicked. " kids later we are still happy. Good luck!

Nabootique · 13/01/2016 13:17

It was a nice professional weirdo though.

*I just meet people in real life and do it the old fashioned way

If this was easy online dating sites wouldnt exist!*

I agree. I didn't say it was necessarily easy, or that I frequently meet people. I in no way meant to sound as if I were being derogatory about OLD. As I said, I have admiration for my friends who never give up on it, despite all the let downs. I just decided it wasn't for me.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 13/01/2016 13:29

Plenty of fish is a pile of wank. Nobody I liked the look of messaged me or replied to messages, I got messages from the most inappropriate men (19 year olds and 55 year olds) and just men I wouldn't look twice at, either looks wise or basic literacy. I got sick of the 'hey gorgeous' intros and deleted my profile.
There is a load of misinformation about tinder but I found it so much better. Your can only be messaged by people you match with which rules out 99% of the pointless first messages and the requirement to write a huge and fascinating bio isn't there. Despite what people will tell you most people on tinder are looking to date/a relationship not just a hook up. Give it a try.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/01/2016 13:44

I met a guy from POF (the third guy I had met from there) and I moved with him after 5 months and we are now married with a DS.

I know LOADS of people who have met their DP/DH/DW through dating sites.

Stay optimistic

wowis · 13/01/2016 13:45

op if you want to date id try a different site..pof is a bit of a meat market at times..don't get me wrong plenty of 'how's you?' going on on match and my single friend too but does sort some of the wheat from the chaff...I loathed old but me my wonderful fiance so it was worth every awful date and banal conversation. As a pp said try to do it with a sense of humour you'll need it..some awesom anecdotes now though..

Original poster

Oldisthenewblack · 13/01/2016 15:11

All the men I am supposedly 'matched' with are.....not for me. At all. Clearly they have been told I'm a match for them as I've had messages from them - the usual "hey hows it goin xx". No! Men! Stop and consider! And to the one who's into "nylon" - I wouldn't wear nylon for my own pleasure let alone someone else's....

OP posts:

Theoretician · 13/01/2016 15:46

Set your settings so that people can only message you if they've written over 50 characters. It avoids all the 1-5 word first messages

In pre-internet days, I got a reply to a two-page letter to a dating service "match" essentially telling me to get lost because I hadn't hand-written (as opposed to word-processed) the letter.

I replied to the reply pointing out that (a) they were expecting rather a big investment on my part given that at best 1 in 10 "matches" were likely to give any response at all and (b) the only basis on which I could customise an initial letter was a handful of attributes. Was I supposed to write a different letter to someone who was 5 foot 4 than someone who was 5 foot 2, for example?

If you do the contacting yourself, you will quickly realise why not much more than a "hi there" in an initial message makes sense. You presumably need to establish someone is alive, has seen your profile, and having done that is still interested in talking to you, right now, before investing further.

It's possible I don't understand how on-line dating sites work though. I suppose if well-designed they could guarantee mutual interest (in each others profiles) before anyone has to get around to composing a message. Though even then, there's no point writing an essay. It would make sense to start small and build up your communications only when you get some sort of response.

I see the advice I quoted was asking for 50 characters rather 5. I suppose that is reasonable, maybe we are not in quite the same territory as rejecting someone because their two-page letter wasn't hand-written.

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