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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have completely and utterly gone off sex

40 replies

awkwardas78 · 05/01/2016 23:13

Since having dd 4 years ago I've really gone off it. I had a third degree tear but other than that I've had no negative experiences. I just can't bear the thought of anyone touching me and sex just seems a bit gross to be honest. I find myself going to bed much earlier or later than dh to avoid the subject coming up but I know he must be unhappy. Anyone else had this at all?

OP posts:

Hoplikeabunny · 05/01/2016 23:16

I'm totally with you! I could happily live without it since I had DS 3 years ago, and I had him my EMCS, so no issues there. It makes me feel bad, but I have no desire to do it at all.

Original poster

awkwardas78 · 05/01/2016 23:19

Thank God I'm not the only one!! I just don't feel sexy either - I'm always tired and fretting over dd and when I look in the mirror I see a sack of spuds with a beaky nose and glasses. How am I supposed to feel sexy? It seems ridiculous. I get quite irritated with dh when he gets all dopey eyed and frisky and just want to push him away. I feel awful about it - he hasn't changed so what's wrong with me?!

OP posts:

Hoplikeabunny · 05/01/2016 23:24

I feel exactly the same, not remotely sexy. I am someone's mum, it feels so weird to even want to be this sexy other person! I get irritated too, then I feel bad. I'm not sure how you make yourself want it if you just don't?!

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 05/01/2016 23:31

Would you like to have sex again.

If so why not make changes to yourself so you feel better about yourself. Regardless of the sex issue It sounds like you could work on your self esteem.

Fourfifthsof · 05/01/2016 23:33

There is nothing wrong with you... You are feeling bad about yourself and who would feel sexy if they are feeling down? I'm sorry you feel so rubbish.

Have you spoken to DH about how you feel about yourself and sex?

I felt like this when I had my baby - I'm still the size of the moon now and look a total frump but with support and understanding from DH I decided to give the ol'bonking a go to see if I had truly gone off it and it turns out out I hadn't... Once I'd got into the idea (glass of wine, lights off) it was all fine and lovely and now we're getting things back on track despite the fact that I am twice the woman I used to be.

In some ways it's better because DH still fancies the pants off me stretch marks, cellulite and all.

BillBrysonsBeard · 05/01/2016 23:34

I was exactly the same! I need to get my filthy head on if I want to have sex and that was the last thing I wanted to do now I'm a mum. I'm always in caring mum mode and all touched out from my toddler. I didn't physically miss it but did want to get back into having it again as I know I used to love it. And it wasn't fair on DP so I made a conscious effort to get my head back in the zone... Took the mattress into the living room, candles, massaging, no pressure... and a bit of porn helped

GinBunny · 05/01/2016 23:40

Same here, and I haven't had DCs. I do have ADs though and I blame them.
It has now got to the point where I can't actually remember the last time (months rather than years).
DH is being so patient but drops hints that make me want to run and hide. I feel so awful for him. I love him still, I just don't want to have sex anymore.

BastardGoDarkly · 05/01/2016 23:47

You think your dh may be unhappy as you haven't had sex for 4years ?! Have you spoken about this?

couchparsnip · 05/01/2016 23:48

I know how you feel! Me and DH had a huge row discussion about this the other day. He has been getting depressed as he's been feeling rejected and thinks I don't love him in the way I used to. He was worried we were about to split up.

I have assured him I still love him but just don't feel like having sex at all as often as I used to. He is being completely understanding and we have started going to couples therapy. Fingers crossed that will work

Pomegranatemolasses · 05/01/2016 23:53

A good sex life is pretty crucial for a happy relationship. Sometimes you just have to dive in 'use it before you lose it'.

GreenPetal94 · 05/01/2016 23:58

If you don't have sex then you don't want it. I would suggest you talk to dh, have a few drinks, light some candles and just see how it goes. You might well enjoy it.

It's not great for the relationship to have no sex and not great for further kids either. No sex just kind of hangs over you.

Pomegranatemolasses · 05/01/2016 23:58

Is it really 4 years since you've had sex? There's an intimacy in having sex that connects you both, and sometimes gets you through the tough times when nothing else will do.

IMHO, obviously.

Original poster

awkwardas78 · 06/01/2016 02:19

No it hasn't been four years since we've had sex - I do force myself to do it now and then. Rainbow I really don't want anymore children.

OP posts:

TheHouseOnTheLane · 06/01/2016 03:15

I had this OP. It honestly took me until my older child was about 8 and my youngest was 5 before I felt ready again.

We had to do lots of "touching only" as in no penetration at all and no chance of it or I got freaked out

We progressed from mutual massage and hugging to (TMI but I'm trying to help!) mutual masturbation and things imrproved from there. I had topush the DC out of my head....DH said "That's where they came from! From sex!" and it made me feel less Mummy-like somehow....

justanewmummy · 06/01/2016 03:19

You are not alone!

It's been 1 whole year since me and DP had sex - DD2 was conceived. I have absolutely no desire to have sex or kiss or even cuddle. He drops regular hints and is feeling very neglected but I can't help it. I don't feel sexy as always in mum mode. I do think I need to make some changes but could happily stay like this forever.

Friendlystories · 06/01/2016 03:52

The less I have sex the less I want it, it's like that side of me switches off after a while. Thing is it works the other way round too, having sex switches it back on again and then the more I have, the more I want. It's mind over matter the first couple of times assuming you do actually want to change the situation and it does feel like an effort to begin with but the feelings do come back. Of course all this can be complicated by other relationship issues, if your partner isn't pulling his weight with childcare or housework or there are deeper problems those issues need addressing separately but if it's just a matter of having lost that connection and the urge then it's relatively easy to fix, you just have to want to. Making the effort to get things started is the hardest part, getting DH to take some pressure off you in practical terms can help but putting in that initial effort to make it happen is crucial if you want things to change. Don't know if this applies to you but I went on a different pill after DD was born which absolutely killed my sex drive stone dead, it came back with a vengeance when I stopped taking it so worth looking at that too if there's a chance your contraception is part of the problem. I genuinely didn't think I wanted to fix the problem, was convinced I just wasn't bothered about sex anymore but when I started to see the damage it was doing to my marriage I had to decide whether to try and kick start things and see if I could get back into it or face the possibility my marriage might not survive, for me it was worth trying to reignite the spark and thankfully it worked.

araiba · 06/01/2016 06:44

if dh is not complaining constantly about it after 4 years, it is quite likely he is having sex with someone else.

wannabestressfree · 06/01/2016 06:52

Perhaps he has a low sex drive..... Not every male will look elsewhere If their partner has issues.

WipsGlitter · 06/01/2016 07:00

I'm so tired all the time I just can't be arsed. I just want to go to sleep!

Lorinda · 06/01/2016 07:38

Great advice Fern25. And Wannabestressfree there are predatory women everywhere who will capitalise on a man who isn't getting it at home to have an exciting no stress (for them) fling with a work colleague with no thought of the damage they will do to a family where Mum is exhausted.

DontOpenDeadInside · 06/01/2016 09:00

Can I ask? Are you on the pill? Since going on the pill, I've felt the same, but it took me a few year to realise what was causing it, when I ran out of pill by accident, then I felt like a horny teenager after a few days of stopping it.

Bakeoffcake · 06/01/2016 09:19

ariba what a ridiculous post. I hate it when women bunch ALL men into one category- sex obsessed beings who can't control themselves. What tosh!
And you obviously havent read the whole thread as the OP had had sex in the past 4 years.

Op I've had periods when I've been like you, (caused by bereavements) I think the most important thing is to reassure your Dh that you still love him but can't face sex at the moment but that you don't want this to contine forever.
I think the advice of glass of wine, nice music, candles and agreeing to only touching- no actual sex, is great.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 06/01/2016 09:27

Totally agree with DontOpen about the pill. I have zero sex drive when I take it.

When I have wanted to kick start my libido I have downloaded some erotica onto my kindle! It got me into the right frame of mind and helped me switch off from 'mummy mode'.

Original poster

awkwardas78 · 06/01/2016 09:29

Great advice especially from Fern25 and The House On The Lane. I know it's bad for my relationship and that's why I've asked for advice because I love him and don't want to lose him. It's been very reassuring to know there are others in the same boat. It's really taken me aback how my sex drive has completely changed and I just didn't know why or how to deal with it. I think possibly the pill isn't helping and I do struggle to relax at all and get in the zone. Thanks all for your help.

OP posts:

BillBrysonsBeard · 06/01/2016 10:36

I was the same on rhe pill too. Ahh so that's what makes it a good contraceptive, the lack of sex It's supposed to make us feel relaxed about not getting pregnant so we can have fun!

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