To have completely and utterly gone off sex

[awkwardas78]

Since having dd 4 years ago I've really gone off it. I had a third degree tear but other than that I've had no negative experiences. I just can't bear the thought of anyone touching me and sex just seems a bit gross to be honest. I find myself going to bed much earlier or later than dh to avoid the subject coming up but I know he must be unhappy. Anyone else had this at all?

Bill, exactly. Then you stop taking it and feel all up for it again, but scared to do anything incase you get pg...vicious cycle lol.

Awkwardsas78 It seems a great shame to me that there is so much brilliant information out there for women who are pregnant and everyone is in your business etc (what to eat, things you can and can't do) but as soon as you have the baby, WHAM - that's it!

There isn't much information about what to expect after the baby arrives and getting things back on track - not just sex, but life in general after the first crazy newborn days when new routines etc are formed and it's really hard!

You are doing the best thing for yourself and your relationship by looking for help so well done you.

I hope you are ignoring comments which suggest your DH is being unfaithful - unfortunately some people just like to use AIBU as an excuse to kick people when they are down.

You might find it helpful to get this thread moved to the Relationships board where you are likely to get some more great support, empathy and advice.

Take care.

OP, you might like to look on relationships for a thread about still not being up for sex after 9 months. It was active a few days ago. Lots of good advice there.

It is very very easy to devote all your emotional and physical energy into your children, to the detriment of your dh/dp. It is also a fact that the two most common times for a marriage to end are before the children are 3yrs old and when they leave home/you/he retire from work.
A baby rarely 'brings a couple closer' it's bloody hard work. A traditional relationship with the mother at home for the first year focussing on baby, involved in exclusive activities like breast feeding - will without a huge amount of effort from both parties, result in the dh/dp feeling excluded to varying degrees. The mothers unconditional love can feel as though it has 'transferred' to the baby at the partners expense.
A partner will try and push for reassurance that the love is still there. To most adults, the manifestation of love within a relationship is to have sex with one another. No sex, constant rejection/ avoidance (I was a class A avoider.. I would have headaches/stomached aches,/fall asleep with the kids etc etc ) will eventually end in one of three ways. 1) He will just accept that the marriage will be sexless. (Rare) 2) He will discuss it, hopefully you will make a plan to improve matters (I am talking about not 'feeling like doing it' not advising this at all if there is a physical pain during intercourse, that needs GP intervention) and having made a plan, also made a decision to leave the relationship if matters don't improve. Or worst of all, 3) try to discuss, wife gets angry/feels pressured/defensive , give up and have an affair.

I am not justifying a man having an affair because his wife is knackered, sleep deprived, feels unsexy and uninterested in sex. In an ideal world, a man can understand why her focus has changed, shares the burden where they can and does everything in his power to support her. Sadly the real world is not always like that. Sleep deprivation coupled with sexual frustration and constant rejection are not the ideal ingredients for 'reasonable behaviour'. The best advice still seems to be 'fake it till you make it' (if you want to get it back on track) . Or split, if you don't.

The pill totally flattened my sex drive (among a variety of other hideous side effects), so may well be a factor.

I also have to say it took a loooooong time for my libido to come back REALLY ABSOLUTELY PROPERLY after having kids - combination of resettling hormones, tiredness, headspace, and I did worry about it. My youngest is just 3 and I'd say it's only within the last year that I've had that whole proper thinking about it, craving it, fancying him, occasionally fancying anything that moves thing going on again. It's been like "oh right, normal filthy me is BACK".

Also may be pure coincidence, but I had acupuncture/Chinese medicine (normally am absolutely un-woo woo but it seems to work for me) for a foot injury and it seemed to do something right for my hormones - my cycles were a bit all over the place for a good while after DS2 was born and they're now a lot less so, and the resurgent libido seems to be part of that.

if dh is not complaining constantly about it after 4 years, it is quite likely he is having sex with someone else.

Please don't tar all men with the same brush.

Don't men switch off too if they stop having sex
Or are they more likely to use porn to feed the appetite?

"Please don't tar all men with the same brush."

Yes, the whole "men NEEEEEEEED sex with an actual human vagina and if you don't give it to them whether you like it or not they'll get it elsewhere" thing is very tiresome and really not helpful for someone who's struggling with their lack of sex drive.

He may be very unhappy but not sure what to do about it (and I do agree that a lack of sex in a relationship can make people very unhappy, men AND women), he may also have gone off it a bit, he may be just wanking a lot, all of these are as likely if not more likely than "clearly if you aren't putting out like a proper wife and he hasn't demanded his marital rights he's having an affair".

I never understood the whole, you need to feel sexy to have sex thing sometimes it is just nice to be intimate with a partner and enjoy each other. If you are not in a relationship to physically and mentally nourish each other, the only other reason is financial, social, dividing your labour and to provide a safe environment for your children. Which is fine if you are willing to acknowledge that is all you are going to get from the relationship.

"sometimes it is just nice to be intimate with a partner and enjoy each other"

But if your libido is through the floor, it's not just a matter of "not feeling sexy", it's that the idea of "being intimate with a partner and enjoying each other" just doesn't seem appealing or "nice".

I agree with that Leedy, it felt completely weird and uncomfortable to me to begin with but it becomes natural and 'nice' again pretty quickly, it's not doing it that makes it feel strange. If being close to your partner used to feel good and there are no major relationship issues beyond lack of intimacy that feeling comes back fairly quickly once you start being close again. I didn't think I missed it but realised how much I actually did once I'd got it back, it's worth the initial effort honestly.

I do agree that long periods of not having sex can make it seem weirder and there is an element of "getting back into it".

OTOH, having had my libido dinged on a couple of occasions (eg by the pill, antidepressants, small babyhood), there's a huge difference IME between doing it because you've "got back into the habit" (quite nice), and doing it because you REALLY REALLY WANT TO RIGHT NOW (hell yeah). Otherwise all people would need to do to fix low libido would be to just have more sex "to make it come back", and I don't think it's that simple.

I never understood the whole, you need to feel sexy to have sex thing

you dont have to feel sexy to have sex but in order to be aroused and enjoy it you may well need to be in the right sort of mood

sex is great if you're up for it, but if you're not and you just cant get into it then it can just be awkward for both parties

I wouldnt want to have sex with someone who was doing it out of duty

If you're on the pill then I'd say that's probably causing at least 50% of the problem. I had such a low libido on the pill that we decided to switch to using condoms because I didn't feel we were having enough sex to mess with my hormones like that.

Of course once I came off the pill my libido returned and we were going through condoms like they were going out of fashion. Catch 22!

BTW, for those who don't want to use the pill or condoms and aren't ready for more, er, permanent solutions, I'm finding the copper coil v good so far. Heavier periods but no hormonal nastiness or strange rubbery objects....

I've never stopped wanting sex with DH but there have definitely been times since having DD when we've both been so exhausted or pre-occupied that it just hasn't happened for quite a while. The combination of a very active toddler, a stressful and at times emotionally draining job and having various major works done on a house meant there was always something that needed doing or something that was on my mind preventing me relaxing properly. DH also works long hours with a killer commute so by the time DD goes to bed we're usually both shattered. What I have found is that if you're not having sex regularly then all the other physical stuff (kissing, hand holding, cuddling up while watching TV etc) starts to slide too, and it's often that kind of non-sexual intimacy that makes you feel wanted, cherished, connected to your partner etc so without that you're even less likely to want sex...it's a vicious cycle. Also, DH is the sort of man who would never pester me for sex no matter how much he was missing it as he wouldn't want me to feel pressured and wouldn't enjoy it if he thought I was just going along with it for his sake. So I recently decided that I am going to make an effort to initiate sex at least once a week (not necessarily full sex but some kind of sexual contact) because I know once we start I always enjoy it. It's just a question of pushing through the tiredness/feeling fat/worrying about work etc. and making the effort. Like any other aspect of the relationship such as talking or going out on dates, it's something that you have to make time for if it's important to you because it's very easy for life to get in the way. If, on the other hand, you have no interest in resuming a sexual relationship with your partner then that's another story. Obviously, I don't think anyone should feel pressured to have sex under any circumstances but I also wouldn't judge someone for ending a relationship because of a lack of physical intimacy.