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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants to start masters when baby is due

44 replies

Cinnamon84 · 04/01/2016 21:06

Not sure how to feel about this.
Am 7 weeks pregnant with partner I've been with for about 7 years. We're both very happy after trying for a few months after a mc last year.
Partner has been at current (well paid) job for 10 years and hates it. He went to uni and did really well and ended up going straight back to his job when he had finished.
He's wanted a change in career for ages and has recently started thinking about training in something. After a conversation with some friends he has decided he wants to go back to uni to get a masters. I don't want to stop him but if all goes well with this pregnancy we'll have a baby around the same time as he would be quitting work and going back to uni. At the same time we really want to buy a house so are really looking after our pennies.
If I say I don't want him to do it I know he won't but I know it will make him so happy and he'll be able to find a better job eventually.
He can potentially get a bursary where the course will be paid for, and he has savings put aside that we can dip into for emergencies but we would still have to pay living expenses - rent/mortgage, bills, food, and obviously the extra expense of having a well considered and planned for and wanted baby while I'd be on maternity pay.
Not sure if I should ask him to reconsider / put it off for a bit. Could do with some advice!

OP posts:

Whatdoidohelp · 04/01/2016 21:07

I would be livid. He has had ten years to chuck in work and go back to uni. He seriously needs to man up and delay his entry to uni.

BlueJug · 04/01/2016 21:10

I did it. My partner did it. It worked although it was hard. It bodes well for the future. You will cope.

MoMoTy · 04/01/2016 21:11

Yanbu, now is not the time to be leaving a secure paying job when a new baby will arrive. Are you working as well op? It's about priorities and the baby should be his.

Sadandconfusednamechanger · 04/01/2016 21:13

Definitely the baby and your maternity leave more important. He needs to stay put so you can stay off for as long as you want to or need. Babies don't have to be massively expensive but your income will be minimal at first. Does he expect you to go back to work earlier?

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 04/01/2016 21:17

Could he take over the bulk of maternity leave and you return to work earlier so swapping roles. He could study around the baby and only use childcare if actually attending uni.

If not, then waiting a year extra wouldn't hurt and he could move jobs in the meantime. You'd be back at work then.

EstrellaCircusGirl · 04/01/2016 21:18

What is he wanting to study? Is it something he could do part time (and even better, part time distance learning)? Many universities are offering flexible ways of studying (I'm studying with the OU at the minute whilst working, and have previously completed a part time postgraduate qualification with a local university). It's not necessarily an either/or situation.

Ps, congratulations and good luck!

Gliblet · 04/01/2016 21:19

It's doable, BUT if he is going to go through with it you need to sit down and have a very thorough conversation about what your living costs will be, how you can economise (will his MA course be FT? Can he do some part time work or take on some childcare duties? Will him not working save you any money on travelcards or similar?). Do you have phone contracts that can be cut/cancelled? Are there utilities or household costs that can be reduced? How much more money can you both save before little one gets here and can you make sure any more expensive items (car seat, highchair, pram etc) are bought before his wages stop?

Has he seriously looked into what his study costs will be, what kind of bursaries/student loans would be available? How certain is he that he'll be able to get back into work quickly at the end of his course, and at a decent rate of pay? Basically, has he thoroughly thought through being seriously cash strapped?

Morganly · 04/01/2016 21:23

I wouldn't panic just yet. This sounds like an idea not a plan. He will need to investigate the "potential" bursary and when he knows how much little it is and what his chances are of getting one, he might realise that he needs to postpone the idea at least until you are back at work.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 04/01/2016 21:24

I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to delay a bit.

CalleighDoodle · 04/01/2016 21:24

I did an MA while working full time. Why cant he work at the same time? What job does he want to go into?

possiblefutures · 04/01/2016 21:26

It depends on what exactly the course is, and the amount of the bursary. If it was, for example, a research council-funded 1+3 studentship, this is actually a pretty good deal, and could allow good flexibility for family life. If it were a vocational masters with funding including living allowance and good chances of employment (where you live) afterwards, also doable.

If a multitude of other options, very dubious.

Can you say more about what he's considering?

ImperialBlether · 04/01/2016 21:27

I did an MA while working full time, too. Did he want to try for a baby just now?

Lweji · 04/01/2016 21:27

I think he should ask your agreement before embarking on it while both of you have a small baby and the overall income is lower.
It had to be a joint decision, as it affects you both and the child.

Lightbulbon · 04/01/2016 21:34

It depends on how it works in practice.

Work out the money.

Work out the time.

MAs are mostly self study so this makes childcare more flexible than working a 9-5 job.

Are you wanting to take a full year off?

Original poster

Cinnamon84 · 04/01/2016 21:35

Thanks for your responses.

Am torn between being really pissed off but trying to not let myself get stressed out about it.
We both dislike our jobs, and am finding it a bit hard to deal with the fact that I would eventually have to go back to earn money for both of us, and have said that I might want reduced hours, so need some stability from him.

The MA is in social work and is full time, he would work in holidays, though money would be nowhere near what he's on now. He says he wouldn't do it if he can't get the bursary. I guess he can continue to look into applying, and if it looks like he can get onto the course with the bursary then we'll look at the situation then.

OP posts:

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 04/01/2016 21:49

MA in social work is pretty full on, but even with a more self study based masters I'd still not fancy my DH doing it around full time work when we had a baby. It would inevitably limit the amount he could do.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 04/01/2016 21:56

I would love to chuck my job in and then study, but I have 2 children who need a roof over their heads, food and clothes.

When you become a parent the needs of your child comes first.

I would be saying he can do his masters once the baby is older and finances are more stable.

knobblyknee · 04/01/2016 21:58

Buying the house can wait.
Maybe he is thinking of your future. He hates his job. But if he is the main breadwinner how could ever leave it to do something better?

He's already made a compromise and said he wont do it if he cant get the bursary. But he might actually be entitled to more with a family.
Your baby wont care if you cant afford posh stuff for the first 5 years, and will potentially benefit when they need it.

Original poster

Cinnamon84 · 04/01/2016 22:01

Exactly piper- I've worked fucking hard to get the job and salary I'm on as we wanted to start a family. I'm really struggling with work and have had stress and anxiety over the last year, and would love to be able to quit to do something else! Ah well... Nothing is concrete just yet anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

Cinnamon84 · 04/01/2016 22:06

I know knobbly, and I am trying to be supportive... We just need to figure out if we can afford it, and I could do without the extra stress of being the only one earning money when I'm not sure when I'll want to go back to work if this all works out.
He isn't the main breadwinner, I earn ever so slightly more than him

OP posts:

Original poster

Cinnamon84 · 04/01/2016 22:15

Also when I say it might lead to a better job, I mean in terms of happiness not salary. Obviously I want him to find a job he doesn't despise but at the same time I'm in a job I don't like as we need the money.
I didn't say I want posh stuff for the baby, i just want to make sure we are not doing too much that we can't afford at the wrong time!

OP posts:

notquitehuman · 04/01/2016 22:15

Money issues aside, it's going to be knackering trying to study when you've got a baby in the house. He's going to have very little time to study, sleepless nights, and a baby crying while he's trying to get essays done. Not exactly ideal.

Can he not do something a little different in his current field for the next couple of years? I'm sure there's something more satisfying that he can do with his degree. Once you're back at work, he can start thinking about his options.

possiblefutures · 04/01/2016 22:16

So is he proposing doing it on top of work (which I think is a bad idea with a new baby) or instead of work, with a bursary, if he gets one?

As people have said, to some extent it's about sitting down and working out actual income and time according to each option...factoring in student perks like reduced council tax and travel...

What would the bursary be, if he got it? How does it compare to his current income?

To be honest, I'm all for retraining / career-switching for happiness and job satisfaction, so long as you can subsist reasonably comfortably in the short term. Especially once you have kids. You could do it too, potentially?

BiscuitMillionaire · 04/01/2016 22:20

I would suggest he starts it one year later, when your baby is one and you might be going back to work. Then he can also do childcare when it fits with his studies so you both wouldn't have to pay so much for nursery or childminder.

Damselindestress · 04/01/2016 22:44

It sounds like he's having a bit of a freak out about not having achieved his academic goals before having children. However this was a planned pregnancy so it's not like it has taken him by surprise. At this time he should put you and the baby first. When you have a baby on the way and are saving to buy a house isn't the time to leave his job! He's waited 10 years to make a change, he could wait till the baby is one and things are more settled. Point out that studying with a newborn wouldn't be fun.

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