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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they might have mentioned this?

39 replies

operaha · 02/01/2016 09:58

Try and make it brief. My ex is now seeing my friend. I sort of worked it out via a pic of them on fb, he's not on there but I'm friends with her.
We live in such a small town, I saw them or together but in a big group a couple of weeks ago, no mention.
Split was 2.5 years ago, she's not someone I see a lot but a good friend, was actually with me when he first asked me out many years ago!
It's fine, I'm ok with it, but due to social circles etc there was no way of avoiding me finding out and he still sees my children regularly (ie spent all day with my son yesterday) so it's not like he hasn't had the opportunity to mention it.
Meh, it doesn't matter, I just feel quite gutted neither of them thought to mention it. Just before I realised, I'd invited her over tonight!
No reply funnily enough.
Should they have mentioned it?
Before anyone says I'm obviously not over it, yes I am, my choice and a whole other side to this is how badly he treated me,which she knew about...

OP posts:
TheStoic · 02/01/2016 10:04

It might not be 'serious' yet, and your friend didn't want to mention it until it was?

I wouldn't expect my ex to tell me anything at all, though.

Osolea · 02/01/2016 10:04

It would have been good for them to mention it, but I can see why they didn't. The best opportunity would probably have been when you saw your ex when he was with your child, but then if there was a child around it could have been difficult to say.

Also, if they are in the very early stages of a relationship and they aren't really sure yet if it's going to go anywhere, it might feel like there's not a huge amount to say, or that saying something makes a bigger deal out of their relationship than it currently deserves.

YANBU to feel a little miffed, but I wouldn't hold it against them at all. You and your ex have been separated a long time, so it isn't really any of your business anyway (meant in the nicest possible way).

Vixxfacee · 02/01/2016 10:06

Yanbu they should have mentioned it out of respect for you.

littlemermaid80 · 02/01/2016 10:06

You say she is a "good friend."
A good friend would have chatted to you about it or at least mentioned it IMO.

patterkiller · 02/01/2016 10:09

If they wanted to keep it quite because it's early days then surely they should avoid their couple photo been plastered on Facebook.

I think because of the dynamics of it been a friend and an ex, then yes I would think either them being very discreet or just let you know.

Original poster
operaha · 02/01/2016 10:10

I think so yeah. I suppose it's that he still sees the kids, particularly my middle son who is 16 - he goes to the same school as her kids!!! Same year as her daughter etc.
And yes it may well be very new, but our town is very odd and nothing stays a secret plus like I said, our social group is very intertwined, it was never going to stay secret.

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 02/01/2016 10:11

She's not a good friend.

Original poster
operaha · 02/01/2016 10:12

^ Sad this is what I'm thinking

OP posts:
sandgrown · 02/01/2016 10:17

Ex-DH married to ex- bf. They never bothered to tell me when they started seeing each other but that was possibly because we were still married! Many years past now and while not good friends it's ok . Water under the bridge!

TSSDNCOP · 02/01/2016 10:24

It could just have been they didn't even consider mentioning it as it was 2.5 years ago that you dumped him and you've moved on since then.

Original poster
operaha · 02/01/2016 10:28

Could have been. Guess if I didn't still go out occasionally with her, or see him weekly for the kids, I'd go with that.

OP posts:
knobblyknee · 02/01/2016 10:30

YANBU. How long is it that people have to wait before no longer telling you they are seeing your ex...

Her loss by the sounds of it. Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2016 10:33

I can understand him not mentioning it, but I do think she should have.
I know I would have if it were me (not that I would be in that position ever now, but y'know, back in the days when I was single).

Friends' exes are sort of off-limits without at least a "do you mind?" unless you really don't care about your friend's feelings at all.

JellyTotCat · 02/01/2016 10:42

She's rude not to reply to your invitation.

ImperialBlether · 02/01/2016 10:43

It's amazing how desperate some people are to have a boyfriend that they'll go after someone who they KNOW treats women badly. I'd feel sorry for her - what a state to be in. And yes, she's not a friend to you.

magoria · 02/01/2016 10:48

Why would someone be stupid enough to date a bloke they knew treated his ex badly?

Do they think things are going to be any better for them?

It does affect the friendship unfortunately as now OP can't talk about anything stupid he does to this friend (assuming the friend bothers to reply to then of course).

She has clearly chosen him over you which although is her right without having the courtesy to even let you know.

Not as great a friend to you as you were to her.

peggyundercrackers · 02/01/2016 10:50

Yabu, you left him 2.5 yrs ago, it's really nothing to do with you who either of them see.

DoreenLethal · 02/01/2016 10:53

Is he the father of your kids?

To be honest, it was 2.5 years ago, and unless he is the father of your kids, putting the photos on social media was probably to let you know gently. It's been 2 and a half years - get over it!

witsender · 02/01/2016 10:55

She's not a friend. She's a fool though.

ilovesooty · 02/01/2016 10:57

If it was over two years ago and the split was instigated by you I don't see why they need to mention it to you. Whether she's made a good choice is another matter but not your concern.

diddl · 02/01/2016 11:04

My guess would be that he feels that it's none of your business & she doesn't want to get into why she's seeing him when she knows how he treated you.

mrsfuzzy · 02/01/2016 11:53

my ex got his new gf to phone me to say he wanted to see our dcs as he didn't want to speak to me, she was a complete stranger to me. i told her he was a heavy drinker and would dump her once money ran out. she replied i was jealous and she'd get him off drink and make him happy, right okayyy.
the divorce came through and i'd met my now dh. she phoned about six months after her first call, yes he had dumped her, she was heavy in debt and asked for advice on how i coped !!!! i told her i'd got out because i found out just after we got married he had treated another woman the same, and his drinking had worsened, after we married.
for some women any man is better than no man. you are in the better position.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2016 12:50

But also there is that belief in some women that they are going to be the one to change him, the one he will truly love and change for - and so it will be different for them. Disillusionment is almost inevitable. :(

JohnLuther · 02/01/2016 12:52

It's been two and a half years, get over it.

Narp · 02/01/2016 12:58

Are they his children?

Regardless, I would not consider her a good friend. Maybe she's embarrassed - if he is seen by you as having behaved badly , and then she's going out with him?

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