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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit offended by this?

41 replies

witchmajor · 01/01/2016 19:06

sorry if this sounds trivial, it probably is but has been bothering me a bit lately...

I'm fairly ok-looking, probably average, nice features but nothing special. I do like my hair though - it's long, blonde and quite thick, and I'd say it's my favourite thing about myself

anyway if i ever get male attention eg on holiday or when with other "prettier" friends, sometimes they'll say, "oh, it's the hair, just the hair" Hmm

I don't get what reaction they want?! It just sounds like they're trying to bring me down sometimes, oh you're not pretty so don't get ideas above your station, but you do have nice hair Hmm

anyone get what I mean? it's not so much a complaint, more don't bother commenting unless you have something nice to say...

OP posts:
comedycentral · 01/01/2016 19:11

It's jealousy, pure and simple Envy

inlovewithhubby · 01/01/2016 19:13

How mean. Don't let anyone put you down for getting attention, least of all people who are supposed to be friends. It's jealousy and it's ugly - women can be so bloody unsupportive and competitive with each other.

Everyone has different ideas of what is attractive, sounds like you get your fair share of attention and I'm sorry your friends' negative, jealousy- induced reactions are making you do a tick-tally of your relative attributes. You don't need to, the whole is so much more than the sum of its physical parts. You can look like a supermodel but if you're a bitch you'll struggle to attract anybody for long.

You sound gorgeous inside as well as out, and that's awfully attractive to most people.

Original poster
witchmajor · 01/01/2016 19:18

thanks both

i can scrub up fairly well but i'm not stunning, and a lot of my friends are facially very attractive

i just find it a bit low that they would say something like that? tbf it's only one woman who tends to say it, but I have had it before from someone else who i only knew vaguely. they are dark-haired, very very pretty and obviously consider me to be in some way beneath them (?!) looks-wise so can't reconcile the fact that I'm getting more interest than them for once?

i don't understand it, if it is jealousy - they could have anyone they wanted?!

OP posts:
FlatOnTheHill · 01/01/2016 19:20

Agree its jealousy. Ignore them. Are they fat by any chance? My friend and I had this conversation recently that its the larger ladies in our group that are the ones who are very catty to other women. Its a horrible trait bourne out of insecurity.
And before anyone starts, im not fat bashing.

Original poster
witchmajor · 01/01/2016 19:22

no, they're not - both physically very pretty, used to always having their looks complimented on etc etc.

OP posts:
DontBuyANewElfCashmere · 01/01/2016 19:26

I wouldn't describe them as friends anymore! Unnecessarily mean and rude.

Next time it's said say "Yeah you're right, I hadn't noticed before but you've got really shit hair! Lolz..."

FlatOnTheHill · 01/01/2016 19:26

I think no matter how attractive these women are they sound insecure and jealous. Although they would never admit to it.
You are something they are not. Are you confident and secure as well as attractive?
They want to be the Queen Bees. Sad really.

novemberchild · 01/01/2016 19:41

I've had similar comments - it depends on the context but I have always felt it was intended in good humour. I think a lot would depend on the tone.

Original poster
witchmajor · 01/01/2016 19:44

Yeah you'e right november, perhaps im reading too much into it

interesting what you say flatonthehill about being confident, I'm not really but give the impression of being so, I think

i don't know, it's just i'm a bit sensitive about my appearance anyway so every time i hear a comment like that, it really gets to me - whether meant nicely or not, i just hear it as "she's ugly but has nice hair" Confused

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/01/2016 19:57

The reason you get more attention is because you are not all over yourself.

They clearly think that they are Gods gift, and that will show to men. Whereas a woman who has the confidence in herself to not be constantly preening, and not trade purely on her looks, will be infinitely more attractive.

Perhaps ask "Why did you say that? Are you saying that I am unattractive? Why would you say that?" Call them on it, every time. They are only getting away with it because you let them!

Potatoface2 · 01/01/2016 19:58

attractiveness has a lot to do with someones personality not just looks...you can be very attractive but have the personality of a dead trout which doesnt attract attention, you can be average but be very interesting and entertaining making you attractive....at a guess i would say your 'friends' are of the trout variety Smile

Original poster
witchmajor · 01/01/2016 20:03

thanks, some good advice here!

I'm just a bit down because I know they're right I guess - it is only my hair that makes me physically attractive and they're tapping into a long-held insecurity (not that I think they know it)...

OP posts:
BlueJug · 01/01/2016 20:28

I had long, blonde thick hair, (still not bad tho not what it was). My lovely friend always said "Yeah - just because you are blonde!" every time I got attention. It was good humoured, self-mocking, (she was gorgeous and dark) and is still - 40 yrs on - a running joke.

OP - enjoy your hair.!! And if your friends really are not friends - ditch them.

  • PS WB Yeats had something to say about it - it is not a new thing! --->

"NEVER shall a young man,
Thrown into despair
By those great honey-coloured
Ramparts at your ear,
Love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/01/2016 20:28

Well there is no doubt they are mean but do they also get male attention. I think if I witnessed my friend getting all the attention. I'd be jealous, too. Women can be very catty bitchy and jealous of each other. Yes it's not nice and its ugly but it is at the same time only a natural reaction. Although it doesn't warrant rudness and insults.
Not fat bashing, over. Not much. Hmm

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/01/2016 20:29

Sorry witch I do apologize. Just seen they always have their looks complimented on. In that case they're just nasty fucking cunts. I think you need better friends

Original poster
witchmajor · 01/01/2016 20:32

yeah the irony is that they get more than their fair share of attention. when they do get attention, i always hold my tongue and am happy for them, i would never dream of being catty to them because of it?

they have also had serious relationships whereas I have not had a boyfriend yet (early twenties)

i just don't get why they begrudge me for receiving some attention when it's hardly like they're lacking...?!

OP posts:
CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 01/01/2016 20:33

I once had a friend who when we were out, broke down and said that men only went for me because I was younger than her. She was about 20 years older than me and the man in question was my own age and not even nice! Neither of us were even interested!

She said it another time after that and I just thought, fuck it, im not going out with her again.

Original poster
witchmajor · 01/01/2016 21:13

oh thats so mean cersei!! sounds like a good thing she's not in your life anymore!

OP posts:
PastaLaFeasta · 01/01/2016 21:28

I think blonde hair can be very attractive to some. Especially in countries it isn't often seen, one friend found this travelling in Brazil - the girls loved his ginger hair. I also think western girls are brought up with blonde hair as the ideal of beauty - Barbie, Cinderella etc. I kinda like having brunette ideals of beauty (Kim K and Kate M) even if I am not fond of the media ideals in general. But different men have different tastes so you may get attention from men who prefer blondes or perhaps they prefer a more reserved girl who isn't trying to be noticed!

Don't be hard on yourself and do point out that your friend is being rude if it happens again. Plus make up is a miracle worker if you have the right techniques etc.

Bogeyface · 01/01/2016 21:52

I bet that you are nowhere near as unattractive as you think, people rarely are. Its just that when we look in the mirror we only see the negatives. When I look in the mirror I dont see my eyes, that I am often complimented on (not sure why, eyes is eyes to me but hey!) but I do see my patchy complexion, my freckles, my fine lines, my extra chin that is fast taking over the first one......

My sister is stunning, but she only sees the negative too, I think its human nature.

TiredButFineODFOJ · 01/01/2016 21:53

I get told that my thick shiny straight blonde hair is

  • why some women don't like me
  • why some men don't like me
  • the only reason that some men like me
It's a bloody stupid westernised ideal of beauty. Pretty girls get attention 24/7 based only on their looks. How weird and unfair that occasionally they don't get it and you do! Why is that? They judge you by their own standards - shallow. I do have nice hair, it's just luck. It grows out of my head like this. It's not any sort of achievement.
laurita42 · 01/01/2016 22:16

Ahh, mean girls! They may be very pretty, but their own insecurities mean they want all of the attention for themselves - there is no such thing as "enough". In my experience, they can sense any vulnerability in others, so however confident you appear to be they will hone in on your worries. Nasty, nasty behaviour. Real friends are excited for you when you get attention (as long as it's wanted by you, of course) - and they don't need a "reason", it's because you are obviously attractive as a whole person.

I assume they have other positive qualities that mean you want to stay friends with them (if they don't then you probably want to have a think about that). In which case, next time it happens I would very seriously say "do you think that's the only attractive thing about me then?". Call them on it. Show them how it sounds. If they are good friends as you believe they are they will immediately go into "no of course not hon, you're gorgeous" and won't do it again. If they're not, they will try to laugh it off & belittle you - and you can make your decision from there. FWIW, I found that as I got older (now 35) I had less & less patience with this behaviour, and now I would just laugh at them and walk away...

Personal favourite mean girl experience was the person I was at uni with who liked to label people - so my friend was "pretty but average smarts" and I was "smart but fat and ugly" (I was fat). Said person wanted to get one-up on whatever she felt was your strongest point - so would make a point of coming onto boys my friend liked and competing with the grades I got. It was a shock to her when we had the girlie conversation of "how many boys have you been with" and my number was much higher than both of theirs - in her head this was important because it was all a competition and clearly this meant I was "winning". (Obviously I knew then and now this was rubbish - was clear indication to me she was the one with a problem).

LittleBeautyBelle · 01/01/2016 22:34

yes, it's jealousy. They trying to justify why you're getting attention and belittling you at the same time. Definition of mean girls.

AyeAmarok · 01/01/2016 22:50

Yes it's jealousy. They are used to it always being them that gets noticed, so their nose is put out of joint that it's you sometimes.

You sound nice OP Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 01/01/2016 22:53

New year, new friends, they sound rude and superficial. Basically they are saying your not pretty but have nice hair. They should keep their mouths shut if they can't say anything nice.