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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's not that into me?

42 replies

Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 14:48

He is really busy but sounded like he wanted to "make things work" when we met - we didn't discuss when we could see each again though after first few meetups though?
He has huge professional exams coming up in late feb, working long shifts at work mon-fri (and sometimes weekends/nights), then is moving abroad for two months in March for a work placement.
However he will be back in summer, when we will both be a lot more available. Currently we live three hours away by train.
Over Xmas we have been chatting (on and off, I messaged first). I then asked him out to a nye event. He said he had already sorted out something else with friends.
Aib to just leave it now? I don't want to keep asking him out and then getting rejected. I also want to know where I stand. I imagine that if he wanted to see me, he would make it happen, right?

OP posts:
Flossyfloof · 30/12/2015 14:50

Sorry me but I think so. Three hours each way is a long way to travel for either of you. He also has Big Things coming up. If it happens in the summer, fine - but meanwhile I would leave it for him to contact you and keep looking.
What's for you won't go past you. Corny but comforting.

BackInTheRealWorld · 30/12/2015 14:53

I think you are right.

ArkATerre · 30/12/2015 14:54

Yes, leave it for now on good terms. It may not be that he isn't that into you, just that he has some major things coming up and perhaps a relationship isn't feasible for him at that distance right now.

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 14:54

Yeah that is good to know. Just a bit depressing as he seemed to really like me! Should I just not contact him now then? I was hoping we could see each other again

OP posts:
Flossyfloof · 30/12/2015 14:59

One more ask, if you need to! Make it after New Year when you can ask how his went and tell him what a good time you had. But be prepared for him not wanting to meet up again. Even though that might feel like a rejection at least you will know, eh? Maybe he will take you up on it.
Best of luck.
I still it would be perhaps better to leave it but I am sure, like you, I would want to give it one try. At least that way you know that you have done everything you can and left him in no doubt.

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 15:03

Ok, that's cool, thanks - I was actually thinking of leaving it until early summer (if I haven't met anyone else by then of course) and just asking how things were with him, how his time abroad was? At least then I'll know for sure where things are as his exams etc will be over then.

I'm in a really low mood. How hard would it be for him to ask me when I'm next going to be near him? And try and arrange something himself. I feel like some kind of stalker, he must think I'm obsessed but I do just want to see him again

OP posts:
ArkATerre · 30/12/2015 16:07

You could ask him if he wants to leave it for now, until all the things he is doing have finished? Then at least you would know.

HackerFucker22 · 30/12/2015 16:37

I'd cut my losses to be honest.

Maybe send a message saying you know he has a lot on and the distance isn't helping but let him know you are open to contact when he is back after his placement? Although you could well find yourself waiting for him to contact you in a few months and he doesn't, so maybe it's best to completely cut your losses.

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 17:13

Given I was the one to message last I'm a bit hesitant to say anything - just replied to his message and said happy new year etc.

Would it be odd to reach back out over summer? I'm pretty busy until then anyway and will keep dating in the meantime so who knows. But I'll be back in the neighbourhood so was thinking just in a casual "hey how's it going, do you fancy a catchup drink" kind of way.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2015 17:42

You're thinking too far ahead, for what was very casual dating.

""How hard would it be for him to ask me when I'm next going to be near him?""

You're a lot more invested in this than he is and running this over and over is going to keep you invested.

Go back to dating, meet someone whose life is less complex and who are closer in distance to you.

Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2015 17:44

This is going to sound cliche, but what else can you do, to alter your low mood?

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 17:45

You are right birds but I just feel things stopped before they could go anywhere - he said it was the best date he had been on, and he seemed really keen to make it work in the future
We got on well and had lots in common, mutual friends etc. As I say, both a lot freer in summer...

OP posts:
HortonWho · 30/12/2015 17:45

Cut your losses. Yes he's got major things ahead so he would be making a huge amount of effort before he leaves to make sure you don't get away and start dating others while he's not able to see you. As it is, you're doing more of the running around after him.

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 17:46

I just don't know how to read the current situation - he's not interested? He's interested but busy? I would be a hell of a lot happier if he could just spell it out tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 17:47

Horton so you're saying he's not interested. That's what it looks like doesn't it.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 30/12/2015 17:48

If you can't speak to him honestly then you don't have a relationship.

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 17:51

That's the thing going we don't have a relationship. But he seemed to imply he wanted it to be one? My heads a mess

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 30/12/2015 17:53

Does it matter which it is? He does not want to see you or explain himself. You deserve better.

ArkATerre · 30/12/2015 17:53

Interested but busy, yes. And not prepared to tie himself to a relationship while all that is going on. So you shouldn't either.

FelicityFixIt · 30/12/2015 17:54

He's absolutely not interested. You can sense this and his actions scream it.

No more texting or planning to text him. Delete his number and move on now to someone who wants to spend time with you

Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2015 17:54

""He's interested but busy? I would be a hell of a lot happier if he could just spell it out tbh""

He mightn't want to commit to anything. It could have been the best date he's been on, but whose to say what's round the corner when he makes the changes he's planning on.

But you're focusing on him and what he might want.

Learn to decide what you want, go for it and if it isn't available, move on and find it.

I've started on line dating, I'm going to second guess no-one. It's a case of "is it suiting/giving me what I want", otherwise you're waiting round for something that may never happen.

Don't put you're life on hold. This is already causing you angst.

Dating should be fun.

HortonWho · 30/12/2015 17:57

No he's not interested. I had a job which required a huge amount of overseas travel when I was dating too. I made huge efforts to keep in touch with the men I was keen on, despite working long hours in different time zones. The ones I wasn't sure about, I'd reply to their emails in day or three but always apologising I was really busy, I'd get in touch when I returned, etc. But I would never find that extra 5 minutes to text or email in a very busy day. This was in the olden days before everyone had a smartphone, so you'd have to find an Internet connection. Sometimes I got stuck with an older phone and press a button on 4 times just to type a single letter in a text. Grin

It was similar patten with the men. Some do just like the chase and pretend to be keen (I had lots of perfect dates and couldn't understand why the man would disappear after) but after a while, you can spot the ones who do make a genuine effort despite being very busy and really are keen.

Original poster
Rosheeen · 30/12/2015 17:58

Felicity right ok but why would he have carried on chatting to me over Christmas then? He was very very interested during our dates themselves and seemed to want them to go on for as long as poss. If anything I cut our last one short!

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 30/12/2015 17:59

It sounds like it's totally impractical for him to get into a relationship, especially as you live so far apart. That's not the same as saying he's not into you, so don't beat yourself up.

cheezy · 30/12/2015 18:06

dates can seem to go very well and then they disappear because some men like to chase. they enjoy the game element of dating. I have experienced this and it is very annoying.

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