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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it's not always that easy to ltb.

40 replies

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 10:59

Especially if you have financial issues, poor health, no family and by that I mean extended.

I fully expect to be told iabu and I am, I've just had a crappy Christmas with moody unpredictable dp and I feel so miserable. I'm only going on my own experiences here

Sorry for the whinge

OP posts:
ageingdisgracefullu · 27/12/2015 11:02

I agree. I'm in your situation too. Do you have dcs?

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:04

Yes i have four. The older ones are not his but the 5 and 8 year old are

OP posts:
goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 27/12/2015 11:06

No-one ever said it was "easy".

Even if you had lots of supportive family and no financial issues, it can be extremely difficult on an emotional level as well.

I do however think that many people use lack of family/wider woes ass a mask for their fear of the unknown. Better the devil you know, etc. It's not a criticism. It's very easy to understand actually.

But no matter how difficult something might be, that is different to it being an impossibility. No-one is saying it is an easy choice - often it can be a choice between staying in a miserable life with someone who makes you miserable, or having to work your arse off to be in an also not particularly great situation (at least on a temporary basis).

The difference is, in the latter situation at least you have more control and aren't beholden to someone else's lack of respect/whims/moods/aggression.

thefreshcleanstart · 27/12/2015 11:07

I think you're right, OP.

I also think people have to be ready emotionally, and if they aren't, cries of LTB aren't always helpful, especially if they come with a side dish of 'you are stupid if you don't.'

Toffeelatteplease · 27/12/2015 11:08

Yes I often think it is so much more complicated than it is made out to be. Especially at the moment when support for single mums and disabilities is not as great as it has been.

I also think it can be difficult because 9 times out of ten your kids will be at their Dads with noone to shelter them from whatever faults he had in the first place.

OddSocksHighHeels · 27/12/2015 11:09

It isn't easy but it is possible. I did it. Do you actually want to leave him?

Helmetbymidnight · 27/12/2015 11:09

It's not easy, no.

But it's not easy living in misery with someone unpredictable.

Ltb doesn't have to be an immediate thing, you can get advice, talk, save, confide in friends etc...plan for a happier future.

Wishing you strength op.

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:11

I could kick him out, the house is mine but he has mental health issues and has learning difficulties. He has literally no family at all, no one to take him in, no friends. I couldn't see him on the streets and look my kids in the face.
Also universal credit is kicking in in April. I'm terrified, my tax credits will be halved I think. At least dp and I are able to work if we stay together, this government dies not like single parents.

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shockedhowunshockediam · 27/12/2015 11:12

Yes! I always see the very wealth split and move on and it's because they just carry on in their comfortable lives able to pay their bills. Ditto the lower end of the money scale. People I know of and extended family just move on as they are in rented etc
those in the middle, nice home abd ok ish income ? Feel stuck - my dh is much better now he's on anti depressant following disclsure of abuse but if we were better off, I'd have left 10 plus years ago.
it's sad really.

3sleepingchildren · 27/12/2015 11:13

No, it's not always easy.

I am in the same position. We don't get on at all, he doesn't want to split (because he doesn't want another divorce, not because he wants to stay with me). We have 3 children, all disabled.
The logistics of it are overwhelming. I am not sure I could cope with all 3 dc on my own (and am sure he couldn't on his access if we split). But staying is making us all miserable.

No easy solution.

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:13

I'm ok, he doesn't hit me or anything, its just the lack of respect and thoughtlessness that drags me down

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 27/12/2015 11:14

Of course it's not easy.

Unless you believe you are in imminent danger, I think it's OK to take whatever planning time you need.

Because your choices matter, and your way of doing things is probably just fine. And you are strong enough to get there in the way that's best for you.

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:17

That's it 3sleepingchildren, very similar to what we are facing. One of mine also has sn and the youngest has issues too, dp can't cope with them because of his needs and apart financially we are screwed.
Strength to you too.

Yes the middle of the road people struggle. Our jobs are in retail and I clean, not great money earners but keeps us afloat

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 27/12/2015 11:18

I don't think it's ever easy to ltb but that's different from it not being the right thing to do or it not being the path that will be best in the long-term.

Unlike a PP, I do think cries of LTB are helpful because sometimes when you're in the fog of a crappy relationship, you need someone to shine a light on a different option, plus it's difficult for people who know you in RL to say LTB in case you don't take the advice and then blame them; and I think lots of people in abusive relationships are slowly ground down and it's helpful for them if other people give them 'permission' to leave.

I don't think anyone gets told to LTB and immediately packs a bag but it gives a tiny little inkling of how life could possibly be different.

thefreshcleanstart · 27/12/2015 11:19

blackhearts, I really sympathise.

A friend of mine is in this position. Her partner (not husband - he refuses to marry her) treats her like dirt but she is very worried about leaving him as at the moment together their incomes afford them a reasonably nice home in a reasonable area, and working around one another means they can both put the hours in at work.

Leaving him would end that. I think she'd leave for her, but not for the children.

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:26

I do want to leave yes I think, but not now, my D's is in his last year of school and my dd starts her GCSEs next year, shes struggling a bit herself.

I do think ltb cries are fine, they've helped me see what's acceptable and whats not in a relationship over the years but sometimes like a pp said that you are sometimes seen as stupid for staying

OP posts:
3sleepingchildren · 27/12/2015 11:28

Flowers blackheartsgirl, it an all-round shit situation, isn't it?

My 3 are all autistic - eldest severely, with severe learning difficulties, middle significant and youngest yet to know where on the spectrum. It is not possible to single handedly take all 3 of them anywhere due to their needs.

H is crap with the eldest (no patience, always pushes issues, then tells her off if she gets upset), practically dismissive with the middle one, and ok with the youngest.

As much as I am currently miserable, I can't consign eldest to entire weekends/extended periods of time with him as she would be so stressed.

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:34

3sleepingchildren Flowers
Its so hard isn't it. My dp has no patience with the youngest, can't deal with her lack of sleeping, shouts at her for misbehaving when he can't see that her anxieties are making her that way.

He drags me down, I'm exhausted by it. Every time I try and put money away for a running away fund even its only fifty quid something else needs it, the car, appliance breakdown, food if we're Skint etc.

I feel so dead emotionally.

OP posts:
abbsismyhero · 27/12/2015 11:48

no its not easy and if you have children its worse as they still see the cunt and he plays mind games with them and visits the armageddon on you via them im currently trying to have driving lessons and daddy's boy it trying to stop me because driving is daddy's job if mommy drives its unfair on daddy and will upset him and we never want to upset him do we son [meaningful look]

NicoleWatterson · 27/12/2015 11:53

Your absolutely right, it's hard enough to see past the abuse and manipulation to get yourself out let alone when you had the complication of children and the tie misplaced guilt and loyalty to the arse.

I think unless you've been there you don't get it. My new partner just calls me an idiot for putting up with it

NicoleWatterson · 27/12/2015 11:55

I think people underestimate the exhaustion of living permanently on edge, it's like a rabbit living with a fox.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 27/12/2015 11:59

It is not easy and I do think the term LTB is thrown around on here too frequently making it seem like it should be easy.
Fortunately I am in a happy marriage but if I wasn't and wanted to leave my DH I would have to consider the very real possibility of my DS going into residential care as neither DH nor I could cope with his complex medical and disability related needs alone and I would also be homeless as I couldn't afford the mortgage alone (and neither could DH).

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 11:59

He drags me down with him. I may not be able to leave him but at least I can try and make some kind of life with the kids.

He's miserable, I'm miserable, he can't be bothered, the whole house feels like shit. Its got to stop

OP posts:
TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 12:01

It's not easy no. However, the "LTB cries" are a great, great thing. There are few places where women are able to go where they will hear anything other than "marriage is hard work" and "things will get better when XYZ happens" or any of the other myriad of things people say in order to protect the status quo that a relationship is the most important thing. It fucking ain't. So I shall say to you LTB. You can do it, maybe not today, tomorrow or next week but just GTFO. Life is too short.

I have a fairly low tolerance for people who stay in relationships with people who are abusing their children. Sorry, I have sympathy and I do understand that is not easy (BTDT) but it seems to me that those children who are living in horrible circumstances will continue these cycles (growing up to marry abusive people or being abusive themselves) and it's all just shit for them isn't it?

Original poster
blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 12:01

Yy to the rabbit living with a fox, that's exactly it.

Dp would not be able have the youngest overnight if we split, he just cannot cope with her

OP posts: