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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it's not always that easy to ltb.

40 replies

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 10:59

Especially if you have financial issues, poor health, no family and by that I mean extended.

I fully expect to be told iabu and I am, I've just had a crappy Christmas with moody unpredictable dp and I feel so miserable. I'm only going on my own experiences here

Sorry for the whinge

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 12:07

Well he's not abusing his children, he's just not coping with them because of his own learning difficulties. Doesn't stop him from being an arse though.

Where would I go, where would he go? I'd go tomorrow with all the kids if I could but I don't have the money. If I kicked him out it would take weeks or months for tax credits to come through, universal credit is going to fuck us over. I wouldn't be able to work, like I do now. I have no family to help.

I get what your saying tony, I will make steps to get out but things have to be right to minimize the impact on my youngest

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 27/12/2015 12:10

When things get bad enough it is easier than you would think to ltb. It can take years before you realise the fear of the unknown is stopping you.
It's easier to stay with the devil you know than leap into the unknown but there will come a time when anything is preferable to your situation.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 12:13

I think that will be when all the kids are much older and moved on, the thought of spending my retirement years with someone who thinks more of his hobby and Xbox and thinks that shut up is an acceptable way to end a conversation is ok fill me with despair

OP posts:

TonySopranosVest · 27/12/2015 12:27

He's not coping with them by shouting at them, and presumably you as well.

It's horrible for you all.

You have made a brilliant first step in recognising that the long term solution for you and the children is not to be in this relationship. That's huge, well done. You truly can do this thing, and you really don't have to wait until the DC are grown - please don't in fact as they deserve better than that.

I don't think you're stupid either, BTW. It takes courage to LTB and that can take some time to screw up.

NicoleWatterson · 27/12/2015 12:34

There will always be a reason to stay, but until that lightbulb goes and your ready to go those reasons will seem valid.

I left at possibly the worst time, if I'd gone when I first knew I should, my life would be very different, but I wasn't ready, my head wasn't in the right place and I wasn't strong enough - or you could say worn down enough!

As a pp said, when the times right LTB is easier then you think it is.

LionHeartedWoman · 27/12/2015 12:46

I am with the PPs of LTB. Never easy, especially when there are children, and SNs, disabilities, and financial issues. Said above, it can be something to work towards, plan and research, and dream towards.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 12:56

Well my dsd1 has just put her dad in her place and told him to get off his lazy arse and do more for me and the kids. She's 13 and is here for a few days with her sister.

They are all me, funnily enough, always have been. I don't want to lose contact with them if we did split.

I am not the parent I should be, that must change for all our sakes. I can start by looking after my health which I've neglected.

OP posts:

Fugghetaboutit · 27/12/2015 13:01

Can't you help him rent somewhere? Help with deposit on a 1 bed and then he can get housing benefit or something? Sounds awful op

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 13:27

I'd love too, but I just cannot afford it on my ten hours a week cleaning job.

OP posts:

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 13:28

He wouldn't get housing benefit, he works full time and there are very few landlords nowadays that accept hb

OP posts:

Nothighgaphere · 27/12/2015 13:56

I think that it's hard to know how much on the bastard scale they are. Sometimes life gets on top of us and we don't act perfectly . It's hard to know what to forgive as stress etc. and what is just poor behaviour iyswim. But yes eventually I've just become worn down so that the reasons don't actually matter anymore anyway.

If I just had the means to buy my own home life would be a lot easier.

I think having dc forces your hand to leave as you can't let them live with anger and resentment in the home.

LionHeartedWoman · 27/12/2015 14:03

Knowing that you have a plan to eventually leave can sometimes make the present difficulties easier to bear.

greencarbluecar · 27/12/2015 15:42

Thank you for starting this thread, OP. I'm in a similar situation too and it's so true that people who haven't been there often don't understand. It's been good to read such wise, insightful posts and a reassurance that with the plan in place there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Original poster

blackheartsgirl · 27/12/2015 18:23

Greencarbluecar

I'm glad I started this thread too, I am comforted by the fact there are others in my situation and I honestly thought I'd get a roasting too. Thank to everyone who have replied

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 27/12/2015 22:19

If the house is yours you can legally kick him out and change the locks anytime you like. He's working, so he can rent a room somewhere. He'll get the access you agree to unless he goes to court.
If you decide it's the best thing for you and the kids then you can do this. But no, it's not easy.

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