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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To risk upsetting SIL tomorrow? (step children and presents)

44 replies

EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 19:37

Due to distance and numbers all of DHs side of the family get together at PILs on the 27th. It's just like a 2nd xmas day, present exchange and opening, big meal, few drinks, and everyone has a good time. There's a lot of us!

Now - DHs sister has 'hers', 'his' and 'theirs' DCs with her DP. Every xmas we ask her what to buy, and every year she tells us what to buy for 'hers' and 'theirs', and says don't bother buying for 'his' 2 as they get plenty from their 'own family'. She also always tells us they wont be there at the gathering, but they usually are. Every year we do buy for them as it seems very wrong to leave them out if they're going to be sat with us all opening presents.

This year we were quite shocked to hear through MIL that SIL has ''demanded'' [quote] that we DO NOT buy anything for those DCs. The reason has given is that her DPs family never buys anything for her 8 year old DC and she's sick of it, plus the bit about them getting loads from their own side of the family anyway.

I feel very uncomfortable about this for so many reasons. DH agrees, and we've bought a small gift for each of them anyway against SILs wishes. This all just feels horrible and unnecessary. WWYD?

OP posts:
Fyaral · 26/12/2015 19:39

Meh. You are doing the right thing. Stuff her.

Miloarmadillo1 · 26/12/2015 19:41

You are right. Horrible to exclude anyone who is going to be at the family gathering, whatever their relationship to you.

DixieNormas · 26/12/2015 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Donthate · 26/12/2015 19:41

Just buy it and say "it's not my fault their family are crap. We aren't" and leave it at that

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/12/2015 19:42

YANBU at all, her feelings are understandable (sort of) but ridiculous

Junosmum · 26/12/2015 19:43

I would give them the presents if they are there tomorrow, it would cruel not to, they are only children. Sounds far more like your SILs problem with her new in laws (who sound unpleasant) but no need for SIL to take it out of 'his' kids, just because you are nicer in laws than his are.

If the other kids aren't there I would just leave the gifts.

geniusindisguise · 26/12/2015 19:43

How old are "his" children. I'd be inclined to do the same as you.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/12/2015 19:44

I understand her frustration at that family for being very unkind in their present giving. But really why should that roll over onto yours?

I don't think anyone should be left out. It is very obvious and she's trying to make a statement.

Give them your presents in the lovely spirit you bought them.

If you found out a friend was coming with a kid you'd never met you would at least take along a selection box or something not to make the feel left out. This is family why would you persecute them.

Poor things. You sound nice op.

MizK · 26/12/2015 19:44

YANBU, she sounds horrible.

Fairylea · 26/12/2015 19:45

You've done the right thing. No one should penalise a child because another family can't be bothered to buy anything, the child that goes without won't understand - they will just be grateful for your pressies :)

We have a blended family and we buy presents for all the step children as do both families on both sides.

Collaborate · 26/12/2015 19:46

I agree with the others. She sounds a real cow.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 26/12/2015 19:48

In a situation like this where there are likely to be a lot of children generic, non gender , low value items for all under 16s would be my choice.

flippinada · 26/12/2015 19:49

I think you're doing the right thing. DC feel things like that very keenly (have been there). Her attitude to her step-kids doesn't sound very nice.

ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 26/12/2015 19:50

Sounds like there are obviously issues with ILS, but it's not fair either on the family gathering, or on the children being left out, if you don't include them still. I'd do the same as you have. Maybe have a little word with her (if she's approachable enough) and say quite frankly it would have felt awful to leave them out, and that ILS choice doesn't mean you should be forced to exclude children.

Goingtobeawesome · 26/12/2015 19:53

I wouldn't buy them a small gift. I'd buy them a proper gift as if they were blood and make sure I spent the money on the children that would have gone on the bitchy SIL. What does the partner think about her demands?

Original poster
EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 19:54

I'm glad to hear this is the right thing to do. You know when you know it but it's difficult when it's close to home.

I find it really confusing that MIL is going along with this though. Both her and SIL are perfectly nice normal people and i'm just amazed. DH tried to say basically what donthate said: not the DCs fault ect. But they wont have it ...

All DCs involved are between 5 and 12. (Trying not to be too identifying.) (and failing probably)

OP posts:
willconcern · 26/12/2015 19:54

I agree - you are totally right. Your SIL needs to take this up with her step DCs' family, who don't give gifts to "her" DC. Not force your family into being as mean.

Thus isn't the step DCs' fault & they shouldn't be punished for it. If this was my SIL I'd tell her to go jump.

flippinada · 26/12/2015 19:55

Lass what a good idea - then no-one needs to feel offended and no-one is left out.

Nanofone · 26/12/2015 19:56

OP you sound lovely. I hate all this meanness towards step DCs.

greenfolder · 26/12/2015 19:57

Two wrongs do not make a right. You are right to take the higher moral ground

MissBattleaxe · 26/12/2015 20:00

Yanbu. Why punish children for their parents behaviour? So nasty! The in laws won't even be there to see your SIL making her unkind passive aggressive point.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 26/12/2015 20:05

She should surely just stop turning up at that family Christmas until they sort out their act. Then spend any money saved on more stuff for your nice Christmas. Grin

WoodHeaven · 26/12/2015 20:06

I would refuse to enter in a tit for tat behaviour.

eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever · 26/12/2015 20:11

read this thread...

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/12/2015 20:12

I understand where the SIL is coming from, as my family always buy for DP's children on birthdays and Xmas, family haven't bought for mine before. I pointed it out to him and said it is uncomfortable turning up to a family celebration with the DCs, only for all the others to get presents and mine to sit there empty handed. Of course they get lots from other people, but in my mind, if they're close enough to be invited for Boxing Day lunch, they should be included in the gift giving too.

This year, after my little moan, they have all stepped up, so he has obviously had a word, and my DCs finally feel included in his family, as his have been in my family.

It doesn't have to be the same amount that you would spend on long standing relatives, (although if you can afford it, no reason why not either) but a token gift goes a long way to make a child feel accepted.