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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To risk upsetting SIL tomorrow? (step children and presents)

44 replies

EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 19:37

Due to distance and numbers all of DHs side of the family get together at PILs on the 27th. It's just like a 2nd xmas day, present exchange and opening, big meal, few drinks, and everyone has a good time. There's a lot of us!

Now - DHs sister has 'hers', 'his' and 'theirs' DCs with her DP. Every xmas we ask her what to buy, and every year she tells us what to buy for 'hers' and 'theirs', and says don't bother buying for 'his' 2 as they get plenty from their 'own family'. She also always tells us they wont be there at the gathering, but they usually are. Every year we do buy for them as it seems very wrong to leave them out if they're going to be sat with us all opening presents.

This year we were quite shocked to hear through MIL that SIL has ''demanded'' [quote] that we DO NOT buy anything for those DCs. The reason has given is that her DPs family never buys anything for her 8 year old DC and she's sick of it, plus the bit about them getting loads from their own side of the family anyway.

I feel very uncomfortable about this for so many reasons. DH agrees, and we've bought a small gift for each of them anyway against SILs wishes. This all just feels horrible and unnecessary. WWYD?

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 26/12/2015 20:13

Sorry, iPad missed a chunk out!

DP's family haven't bought for my DCs before. I have considered doing the same, telling my family not to bother including his DCs as it is a bit galling for them to be treated exactly the same as my DCs only to feel like second class citizens at his family gatherings.

Ditsy4 · 26/12/2015 20:14

Buy a family present! Game, cinema tickets, theme park vouchers. No one left out!

Perniciousness · 26/12/2015 20:26

Ohh, I think it's ok but not if it's done on a tit for tat basis. I'd go for a family present instead.

sleeponeday · 26/12/2015 20:29

She's not lovely. She is a stepmother who uses her ex's kids to vent her anger with the adults in his family. My Granny used to say that very few men are heroes to their valets, meaning that you know what people are truly like when they are around those who are relatively powerless. She's not tackling the DP's family over how they treat her child, is she? No, she's just taking her anger out in spite on children, instead.

It's a great shame her DP's family neglect an 8 year old. That's no excuse for doing exactly the same horrible thing to 2 more under-12s.

Good for you, and stick to your guns.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 26/12/2015 20:31

Family Present is a good idea
Your SIL is perhaps a bit hurt by her DH's family's attitude to her kids, so I have some sympathy - but her response is just wrong
You have your own relationship with these children, your SIL doesn't get to determine who you buy for and who you don't

bleedingheart · 26/12/2015 20:37

I understand her upset at her DC being left out by her in laws but trying to enforce the same treatment of her DSC seems futile and spiteful.
I can't believe that in this day and age people still get so hung up on 'blood.'
Good on you OP, you're right to include the other DC.

Original poster

EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 20:37

Goingtobeawesome - I wouldn't buy them a small gift. I'd buy them a proper gift as if they were blood and make sure I spent the money on the children that would have gone on the bitchy SIL. What does the partner think about her demands?

Siblings don't buy for each other, only their DCs, and tbh we don't have loads of cash to flash. But, we've got to pop to the shops on the way there tomorrow, and y'know what, i am actually going to 'up' the value of the presents to the step DCs. This thread has emboldened me!

I've no idea how SILs DP feels about all this. All i know is the passed along message from SIL, (it's never face to face) and that MIL was unapologectic about the passing on of it.

Have just looked at that thread eats ......... i see what you're saying.

OP posts:

thelaundryfairy · 26/12/2015 20:39

You have done the right thing and even though she may not like it at first she will know deep down that you are doing the right thing.

Original poster

EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 20:41

Goingtobeawesome - I wouldn't buy them a small gift. I'd buy them a proper gift as if they were blood and make sure I spent the money on the children that would have gone on the bitchy SIL. What does the partner think about her demands?

Sorry, goingtobe's quoted post should all have been in bold. Not to confuse!

OP posts:

eastwest · 26/12/2015 20:44

YANBU. What her DP's family does at Christmas is their business. What you do at Christmas is your business. She can't dictate what other people buy for her step-children. Totally irrational of her. You buy those kids something because you like them and want to buy them something - end of. It has nothing to do with her, especially since her whole point seems to be that 'they're not mine'! What next, is she going to tell you not to buy presents for (e.g.) your best friend's children or the neighbours?! Bonkers.

Original poster

EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 20:47

sleep - it's hard to see it like this when you know her :( You are right though.

Just to be clear neither her 8 year old nor the 2 step DCs are hard done by in any way. PIL really dote on SILs DC, and the step children are very well provided for by their own mum and their own GPs.

It is just this one family occasion i feel for them. And despair at SILs attitude!

OP posts:

flippinada · 26/12/2015 20:56

Is this normal behaviour for your SIL or is she a generally nice, reasonable sort of person?

Stress can make people behave oddly and Christmas can be a very stressful time.

LittleBeautyBelle · 26/12/2015 21:05

It's normal and natural for your dh's sister to feel very frustrated and resentful about her dp's family's mistreatment of her dc; I think a 2-part solution is the answer to this.

First of all, she shouldn't take her frustration out on the other dc. That's wrong and I'm sure she knows this in her heart. Those children deserve to be treated equally and your and dh's instincts are correct to buy those children gifts and treat them totally equally.

Second, your dh's sister is rightly frustrated. In an ideal world, her dp would tell his family in no uncertain terms that if they are buying his children gifts, they had better be buying his 8 year old child with dh's sister gifts too, and in equal measure. Since this is not an ideal world, if her husband won't do this, then she must do it. A simple text, whether from her husband's phone (nothing wrong with doing this and will likely get the most satisfactory result and resolve the problem immediately) or hers, with "We are looking forward to Christmas with you all. Regarding gifts, if you plan on buying gifts for dc (thank you!), please include 8-year-old dc."

So, OP, maybe you could talk to your dh's sister and be on her side in this, and help her with suggestions to resolve her own frustration and that will naturally diffuse the dilemma you're having with the gifts. Let us know how it goes.

Original poster

EponasWildDaughter · 26/12/2015 21:17

flip - yes, generally nice, reasonable person. Highly educated, more intellectual personality than practical. Professional responsible job. She does get stressed.

Belle - I think she is very defensive of her eldest DC. Her DP is not too good with him. He IS the one who should be stepping up here with regards to his family, yes. I will update. It wont be till Monday most likely, so be patient :)

SIL and i get on well, but we never really have the opportunity to get into much deep convo. We meet at big family gatherings, and the chat is mostly child related chit chat and bitching about our Xs. I'm not sure i would feel confident bringing this up. (wus)

OP posts:

flippinada · 26/12/2015 21:38

Ah ok, I understand where you're coming from. It does sound like it could be Christmas/family stress getting on top of her.

If she's the kind of person who tends to be anxious and feels better in a difficult situation when she has control over something, could it be related to that - as in, this is one aspect of the day she has control over?

It's just a thought - obviously disregard if it sounds way off the mark - you know your SIL better than me!

DontMindMe1 · 26/12/2015 22:56

I'd tell PIL/SIL that you consider that to be unacceptable....either all dc get a gift or none of them do-which option would they prefer?.....

VaticanAssassin · 27/12/2015 01:47

You do right Op your sister sounds a right twat

Original poster

EponasWildDaughter · 27/12/2015 20:18

Update:

Well, we took the presents, took them into the house with all the others, and put them under tree with all the others. (DHs DB had done the same).

When SIL and MIL were sorting the presents i did happen to hear muttering, looked up and they were handling the presents for the DSC. I clearly heard MIL mutter 'yes, they have' to SIL. I guess she'd said oh they've bought for X and Y. Or maybe it was 'oh, they've ignored what i said' ... who knows?

And that was thankfully it. The day went well, all DCs got at least two presents and nothing was said. Glad we did it. Thanks to all who commented. I think we were unanimous here for once!

OP posts:

OhBigHairyBollocks · 27/12/2015 20:31

You were right OP. That other thread was awful

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