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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need some sort of advice please

29 replies

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 20:53

Can some one help me look at this different or am I in the wrong for getting upset? I recently found out my gf had sex with a 17 year old before she met me, up until I found out she would like his pictures on fb he is her daughters friend. She was 34 ant the time, I just don't know how to deal with it as I'm a bloke and would never and have never slept with anyone younger than me. It was five months before she met me but I cant wrap my head around it such a big age gap and why she felt the need to tell me just before we was invited to a party we were supposed to attend until she found out je was going to be thee. Am I being insecure or do I have a valid reason to a bit upset it made me physically sock I I'm being honest, any replies or advice would be grateful, thanks.

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 24/12/2015 20:58

Oh for goodness sake. Who she slept with before she met you is not your business. It's a bit skeevy he was so young but the amount of guys who come on here and claim to have been made "physically sick" by their girlfriends having sex with someone other than them is ridiculous.

TowerRavenSeven · 24/12/2015 21:05

True it was before op but it was her daughters friend. That would make me sick too. I'd have to LTB.

glitterinmyeyes · 24/12/2015 21:12

goodnight being physically sock must mean it's a lot worse

Underwood15 · 24/12/2015 21:15

I would be mortified. 17 is basically a child. I would get rid.

FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 21:17

Why the hell did she tell you. It was in the past.
17 is young to her 34, and the fact its daughters friend is somewhat not right. I dont like that bit at all.
I think you need to calm down though.

Towerraven. What does LTB mean. Im new

FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 21:20

Been thinking. Nope not right.
Get rid, sounds like a wrong-un

BikeRunSki · 24/12/2015 21:23

LTB = Leave the Bastard (or Bitch in this case).

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 21:23

She's told me of a few guys before me as have I, so its got nothing to do with the fact it was someone other than myself, she only told me because he was going to be where we were invited, just don't know how to feel about the age difference as I wouldn't go with younger full stop, as for the sick part my father used my mother when he was 28 and she was 13 so just got to me a bit.

OP posts:

FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 21:31

Bloody hell. Sorry but your father used your mother. He was 28 and she 13!
I get where u r coming from. Do you want and value this relasionship. How long together? I still think LTB too. Also why have you discussed who has slept with who in the passed. Never understood that

FlatOnTheHill · 24/12/2015 21:32

Thanks Bikerun

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 21:38

I do value it, just don't know how to feel about the situation and seven months. I told her straight away I thought it was wrong and she knows my feelings towards my father (none existent). I do love her, but now i second guessing it all tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 21:41

And as for discussing partners, it just sort of pops up, in conversation, but i didn't ask about him, she just said because we seen him in town introduced me he looked shit scared she looked embarrassed just put two and two together and asked what was all that about

OP posts:

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 24/12/2015 21:51

I don't think it's right. Does she recognise that the age gap is horrible? If she regrets it for the age gap reason then I might be able to move past it. However, if she can't see anything wrong with it, I would have to reevaluate the relationship on the basis of mismatched moral compasses.

The age is bad enough, friendship with daughter makes it worse. Did she know him from when he was underage too, or first met at 17? I would have further concerns if she'd known him from childhood, 14, 15, etc.

Young people experimenting and exploring sex with other young people is inevitable but adults having sex with youngsters seems odd at best, and predatory at worst.

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 21:55

First met at 17, I know morally its wrong she does regret it only for the fact its caused an issue with us, also it was in her friends boxing day party while her children were asleep in another room. Its fucking playing on my mind constantly because i cant begin to understand how she could've done it

OP posts:

Kpo58 · 24/12/2015 22:06

I'm not sure why the age gap is the problem. The amount of times its the male thats in their 30s/40s going out with 18 year olds and people don't bat an eyelid, so why is it different the other way round? Though 17 is a little low...

I'm surprised that she slept with her daughter's friend. Surely that is a barrier not to cross, for the same reason teachers shouldn't sleep with students?

Maybe she told you that this happened so it wasn't kept as a skeleton in her cupboard and she wanted to be honest with you?

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 22:12

She only told me it happened because we was going to be sat in the same room together, but before I was introduced when we seen her daughter and friends in town and she like all his pics on fb all that didn't bother me, until she told me, I know she's just being honest but its grim on so many levels

OP posts:

MrsH1989 · 24/12/2015 22:21

The age whilst I personally wouldnt could be excused, like others said, if the older partner in this scenario was male he would be applauded. My MIL and FIL met when she was 17 and he 33. They have been together almost 40 yrs.
The fact that he is her daughters friend seems a bit predatory though.

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 22:35

I wouldn't applaud it but that's just my morals and how I've seen men use women including my mother from such young ages, its all a bit wrong. Introduced to him, showing me his fb page, daughters friend, her kids were in the same house it happened at the Tim its all wrong, cant get my head round it

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DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 24/12/2015 22:51

Who would be applauding if it were the other way around, really though?

My child is 16, and if they went to a house party at a friend's then the friend's parent had sex with them, I would be horrified. Can't see that view changing in a few months when they reach 17.

My ex had a similar experience as a teenager, and the sex was... dubiously consentual. He didn't object, but felt like a deer in headlights, an experience that's affected him into his 40's.

Although legal, many 17yr olds are still school children, with uniforms and homework etc. I can't understand an adult thinking they're an appropriate sexual partner.

Maybe have a discussion with your gf, explaining your points, and see if your values do actually sync up despite this.

Original poster

DannyL15 · 24/12/2015 23:30

Wouldn't change how I felt after talking I said to her its morally wrong, and she doesn't regret it because of the age only because its came between us

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DisappointedOne · 25/12/2015 00:04

Although legal, many 17yr olds are still school children, with uniforms and homework etc. I can't understand an adult thinking they're an appropriate sexual partner.*

At 16 you can join the forces and die for your country.

At 17 I had passed GCSEs, was studying A levels, worked full time hours (eves and weekends) and had paid for driving lessons, passed my test, bought and insured a car. I also lived away from home with my 27 year old boyfriend.

17 should not, in reality, be considered a child.

Original poster

DannyL15 · 25/12/2015 00:11

But its wrong, an 18 year different, 3 year difference from her eldest

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DisappointedOne · 25/12/2015 00:14

It's not wrong. It's just something you're not comfortable with! There's 24 years between my aunt and uncle - they've been married over 30 years. For some people it works.

Baconyum · 25/12/2015 00:14

I couldn't be with a man who had done this. And I would judge a man who's done this too.

The age gap + the relationship to her own dc + the circumstances

no that's seriously weird.

Sorry OP I don't think you're in the wrong at all for this upsetting you especially given your own personal history (does she know the details of this?)

Original poster

DannyL15 · 25/12/2015 02:51

Yeah she knows my history and spoke about I with my mum as well sort of hypocritical really,

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