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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is it all down to me?

31 replies

nicetoshare · 23/12/2015 20:29

We are going to PIL's for Xmas. They are elderly and have full time carers, who we manage and pay for via DH. We have a toddler. We both work full time for our own businesses. DH is going to cook. He will also drive as I don't drive - we will hire a car. This is all background.

So:
I have bought presents for everyone including all Dh's family and his PiL's carers, as well as Dc and DH and my family of course
I have bought food for the entire duration
I have booked the car
I have taken time off work this week to look after dc as our childminder is on holiday
I have arranged double pay and holiday leave and extra cover for all the carers

Now, all of this is technically fine. BUT DH told me that he was sorting ALL of it - the presents for his family, the carers' holidays etc, the car, the food, half the childcare this week. Instead he has done NOTHiNG except tell me not to nag him when I remind him. This has gone on for weeks. I discovered it all this morning g and had to do everything with a poorly toddler in tow.

To top it off he fell asleep on the sofa after I asked him to help put dc to bed.

Aibu to be in an almighty strop and go on MN all night instead of have sex with him - which is what he is unbelievably angling for.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 23/12/2015 20:33

you did all of that this morning because he said he would and didn't? Literally all of that list? Wow. Do you want to come and work for me? Grin

I would not be in the mood for a shag after that, I'd be irritable and tired.

Walkacrossthesand · 23/12/2015 20:34

Tell him sex is off the agenda until he thinks of a way to make up for the fact that he let you down so very badly over the pre-Christmas work. Either he's your DH, or he isn't - he doesn't get to cherry pick the nice bits!

NewLife4Me · 23/12/2015 20:47

LTB Xmas Grin

He's taking the piss good and proper, why did you do it?
We don't or I don't do any of that stuff anymore having learned not to after the first year together.
Mine has to do stuff himself now or it doesn't get done, and I don't work.
Your dh needs to look at your relationship as a partnership, you can't do it all nor should you.
Hope you get chance to put your feet up now.
Merry Christmas.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 23/12/2015 20:52

Because you care!!
Took DD to town today for ear piercing - early xmas gift - town full of men looking a bit bewildered!! Not like its a suprise event!!

catfordbetty · 23/12/2015 20:55

My father used to say that ability attracted work. I think that may be your problem here - you are too competent for your own good!

AnyFucker · 23/12/2015 21:00

Because you keep doing it

So stop

Original poster
nicetoshare · 23/12/2015 21:05

lorelei it took me all day, fuelled by chocolate and I am totally fuming about it!

I know I know I know I enable it. But I am always going to lose a game of chicken if the things at stake are the people I love.

Now he is sulking because I am wrapping presents instead of sitting on the sofa with him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/12/2015 21:06

And you will have a Xmas shag later, right ?

Original poster
nicetoshare · 23/12/2015 21:08

Also, why not just tell me he didn't have time a month ago? Why insist that I don't talk to him about it? Why can't we be a team?

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 23/12/2015 21:09

Because he knows you'll blink first - so don't, and let him pick up the pieces next year - or at the next birthday/anniversary/whatever that comes along

AnyFucker · 23/12/2015 21:10

Because he doesn't give a shit ?

Original poster
nicetoshare · 23/12/2015 21:10

Well AF that is what he's is expecting but no we won't. It's just another situation where I have to explain myself to him - it will be my problem to make sure he feels ok just like everything else ...

Aargh he is a nice man and would hate to think I felt this way but he just has a deaf/ blind spot sometimes and I can't get through

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/12/2015 21:16

He doesn't have a blind spot. He just can't be arsed. I suggest you cultivate that approach for yourself.

I don't put myself out for anyone at Xmas except my own kids. DH has to sort out his side of the family and if he doesn't it would be made quite clear it is down to him

My MIL (who I love, but she is quite "traditional") and I once had a falling out when she said it was my responsibility to send cards and buy presents for everyone. I disagreed and she eventually conceded I was right. This from the woman who worked full time all her life and still used to cook the dinner without even taking her coat off while her husband relaxed at the pub with a few pints

This is the 21st century. Join it, do.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 23/12/2015 21:18

Well Op you do feel that way. Why are you sparing his feelings by not telling him? It won't change unless you decide it has to and a "nice man" would presumably not expect you to just bite your tongue about something that upsets you.

Scarletforya · 23/12/2015 21:20

He's a nice man? What?

He's not nice.

Charlesroi · 23/12/2015 21:37

Mr nicetoshare: Fancy a shag, love?
nicetoshare: stop bloody nagging me

He's taking the piss. Don't let him.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/12/2015 21:41

You need to ask yourself why he thinks you have to work harder than him, longer hours, put more thinking time into everything.

Why is that? Is he better than you? Does he deserve more down time?

Narp · 23/12/2015 21:51

Lumpy

I like what you wrote.

More women need to think about that

KatharinaRosalie · 23/12/2015 21:56

Have you read Wifework? I recommend getting this as Christmas present for yourself.

And next time, just don't. The only reason he doesn't do it is because he knows you will.

I discovered it all this morning and had to do everything - why did you have to? What was he doing this morning?

Original poster
nicetoshare · 23/12/2015 21:57

I've spoken to him about it in the past, and he's massively pulled his finger out. But every so often he reverts to type - and I find it so infuriating and exhausting that I just suck it up, in a rage.

I must be facilitating it in some way. I know I must be. I will have to think about how to stop it without, for example, his terminally ill and severely disabled parents being alone for 24 hours.

Come to think if it, I think it is the shit he's been through with his parents over the last few years (he is an only child, they have no money but high care needs that fall outside the nhs; it's a difficult relationship) that makes me take on the extras.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/12/2015 22:09

I cannot see that lazy thoughtless twats like this have any sex appeal at all

Thattimeofyearagain · 23/12/2015 22:19

He sounds like a child. Most offputting.

lorelei9 · 23/12/2015 22:29

Well you've answered your own question
It's all down to you because you take it on

NEXT!

GingerIvy · 23/12/2015 22:43

You could point out to him that you find men who are able to act like adults and pull their own weight much more attractive than men who can't be arsed to step up to the plate.

KatharinaRosalie · 24/12/2015 06:48

No but really, how does that work? He said he will do it. This morning, it's not done. You could have told him that 'Oh dear, you better get a move on', instead of starting to run around like a blue arsed fly yourself. Would he actually leave his parents without carers?

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