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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think is this odd and to ask him to reconsider?

34 replies

LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 23/12/2015 15:51

My eldest recently reached out to her bio father, who she's never met/had any contact with.

To my surprise he responded (to me not her) He is willing to chat over FB messenger and answer any questions she has, but wants to wait until after Christmas (this is fair, I felt)

However he's now sent me a further asking which date would be appropriate to initiate contact, so far, so sensible but he wants to message me not dd and I can pass the messages onto her and then relay her response to him Confused

Dd is 12, her Facebook is logged into my phone, he knows this from the brief messages we've sent. I have told him he can send me what he intends on sending on her prior to sending it to her if he feels the need, but he is insistent that all contact should come through me and not direct to dd, for her own well being.

I've asked why, he replied that he just feels it would be a more appropriate way of going about dealing with this than him sending messages directly to a 12yo child who is essentially a stranger to him.

Does he have a point? Would IBU to refuse to agree to this and suggest he gets over himself and messages her directly as per her wishes?

OP posts:
GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 23/12/2015 15:52

I think he is being very respectful to you actually

Orda1 · 23/12/2015 15:54

Yes, sounds good to me. A grown man messaging a 12 year old could be frowned upon.

Amazemedontbeacunt · 23/12/2015 15:55

Not when that grown man is her father....

rollonthesummer · 23/12/2015 15:55

I think he's being really sensible :)

Amazemedontbeacunt · 23/12/2015 15:56

I agree with Gwenyth OP. It sounds like he's treading carefully and being respectful.

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2015 15:56

I think he's right. It's better for him and for your daughter if you see messages before she does.

TheWitTank · 23/12/2015 15:56

I think what he suggests is very sensible and the best way to handle things. She is only 12, he wants you to be fully aware and accepting of arrangements. Perfect.

HirplesWithHaggis · 23/12/2015 15:58

I also think he's right, at least to begin with. Perhaps review after a while?

Lauren15 · 23/12/2015 15:59

I think he's handling it very well. You do seem like you're looking for a problem. Are you not happy your DD wants to get in contact with him?

EvaBING · 23/12/2015 16:02

Sounds sensible to me. He obviously knows that you know your daughter better than he does, so are in a position to 'vet' his contact with her.

He sounds like a decent guy.

AnotherCider · 23/12/2015 16:02

At 12 she shouldn't really have a FB account, so he's being sesnsible.

Original poster
LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 23/12/2015 16:03

It just felt like a long winded way of dealing with things to me, when it should be quite simple, although I suppose I know what dd is expecting of him and how mature she is, whereas he doesn't.

She really only wants to see photos and find out if he likes the same music/TV/books as she does.

She is not interested in the slightest (as yet I am aware this could change) in having a meaningful relationship with him or meeting him in person.

I can see why he would want to send me any messages to check over before then forwarding them onto dd, but the whole acting as go between seemed unnecessary to me.

I'll play along with his suggestion until they both feel more at ease. Thanks for the input.

This whole thing feels fucking odd to me, if I'm honest. I never thought I'd be having to deal with this man again. Neither of them has shown any interest in the other up until dd started asking questions a few months ago.

OP posts:
DangerMouth · 23/12/2015 16:03

No l think his way is fine. But l have a feeling he is doing it to still keep distance between him and your dd, he may not want anything other than to answer questions so I'd make sure you can support your dd if this is the case.

DangerMouth · 23/12/2015 16:04

X-cross post sorry OP.

abbsismyhero · 23/12/2015 16:06

previously i would have thought it odd but my 15 year old has just had contact with her bio family and the abuse she took before coming to me was appalling nothing overt just a lot of petty your dad never loved your mom and she was bitter about us getting married never allowed you to see us kind of bullshit it is a, completely untrue (as dd knows she was there after all) b, i can prove its untrue and c, totally inappropriate for anyone to throw at a child

i think your ex's way sounds much better and a sensible approach to it all

icanteven · 23/12/2015 16:12

Facebook has set 13 as its lower age limit for a reason, and he is respecting this. Why would you want it otherwise?

ValancyJane · 23/12/2015 16:14

Unless there is a back story of him being controlling or anything like that, I think this is quite sensible actually. It means that you are aware of what's being said and have some control over it and can intervene if you feel that either is pushing too much or if the conversation grows unpleasant.

Shutthatdoor · 23/12/2015 16:15

At 12 she shouldn't really have a FB account, so he's being sesnsible.

I agree.

Original poster
LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours · 23/12/2015 16:15

I'm sorry that happened to your dd abbs. I hope things are better now she has your support.

I can see any messages dd receives as soon as she gets them, I wouldn't have considered allowing her to message a strange man without my supervision, regardless of whether she shares his DNA, she's too young.

Now I've considered your replies, especially abbs, I can see why it makes sense to have contact via me initially.

I'm fairly certain that he would not be abusive towards her, he's hardly father of the year material, clearly, he's not seen her in her whole 12 years of life, but he was never a monster. Young, irresponsible and immature, but that was 12 years ago.

His correspondence with me has been very polite and mature. Hopefully it will turn out as dd hopes it will.

OP posts:
Sameshitdiffname · 23/12/2015 16:18

I think he's doing the right thing if I'm being honest, maybe he's worried that if its direct straight away she might become too attached too quick?

abbsismyhero · 23/12/2015 16:22

take it steady fingers crossed i hope it all works out for you and your daughter Flowers

Ipsos · 23/12/2015 16:31

He sounds really sensible to me. I'd be supporting him 100% in that.

AbeSaidYes · 23/12/2015 16:36

Are 12 year olds meant to have FB?
until she is 13 it makes sense for all messages via FB to come to you.

TracyBarlow · 23/12/2015 16:48

He sounds sensible. Maybe he's grown up a bit in the past 12 years.

I think it's a really good idea for contact to be via you at first. I hope it goes well.

mommy2ash · 23/12/2015 16:48

Is the point not that he wants you to vet his messages before your dd seeing them. You seeing them after the fact would be too late if something upset her. Very sensible I think

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