To think is this odd and to ask him to reconsider?

[LostMySanityCanIBorrowYours]

My eldest recently reached out to her bio father, who she's never met/had any contact with.

To my surprise he responded (to me not her) He is willing to chat over FB messenger and answer any questions she has, but wants to wait until after Christmas (this is fair, I felt)

However he's now sent me a further asking which date would be appropriate to initiate contact, so far, so sensible but he wants to message me not dd and I can pass the messages onto her and then relay her response to him

Dd is 12, her Facebook is logged into my phone, he knows this from the brief messages we've sent. I have told him he can send me what he intends on sending on her prior to sending it to her if he feels the need, but he is insistent that all contact should come through me and not direct to dd, for her own well being.

I've asked why, he replied that he just feels it would be a more appropriate way of going about dealing with this than him sending messages directly to a 12yo child who is essentially a stranger to him.

Does he have a point? Would IBU to refuse to agree to this and suggest he gets over himself and messages her directly as per her wishes?

Perhaps he's doing to to allow an appropriate amount of distance between himself and DD. If things don't work out with them speaking (either her decision or his), DD is one step removed from the process as it goes through you.

This maybe also gives DD more control and ease if she wants to speak to him via you, rather than feeling obliged to respond to a direct message.

Hopefully there's no bad intentions, it sounds like he's being very respectful

Sounds like a really considerate thoughtful way to do it TBh nobody would go to those lengths for fun he obviously wants you to be part of it to make sure he does not cause any further harm

I think my difference of opinion stems from being the only one involved who knows all parties.

Dd really doesn't want much from him and he never left because of any major falling out. There was no huge row or anything else. I really do not believe he'd do anything to intentionally upset her, so I saw no harm in allowing direct contact.

But seeing these responses has brought it home that he does not know dd and may have concerns over what she is expecting from him despite my assurances.

As I said I'll act as go between until they both feel more at ease or dd has the answers she wants.

I am sure he has grown up a lot if his messages to me are anything to go by and is just trying to do the best by dd. It just confused me at first as to why he would contact via me.

I think he sounds really respectful. He wants to make sure nothing is behind your back.

I'd be much more worried if he wanted it the other way tbh.

I think he's maintaining sensible boundaries. She shouldn't have her own FB account yet.

If it starts out in the way he's suggested, OP, then once they've got to know each other, they may be more comfortable with direct contact later on.

Don't really see a problem right now.

I really wish my niece had made contact with her natural father this way than all by herself. He was still the manipulative, abusive alcoholic that her mum had left all those years before, naturally none of us had ever told her (my niece) quite how frightful he was, and in a matter of days he'd managed to do so much damage to her self esteem and her relationship with her mum, my SIL, that she had to go into therapy for a couple of years.

I hope your dd and her genetic father can build up a friendly and respectful relationship - best wishes.

I'm sure they will forge whatever relationship they are each comfortable with without too many hiccups.

Despite refusing to see her when she was born and having no further contact with me or her until recently, he really wasn't an awful person. He was by no means an angel but he wasn't abusive, didn't have alcohol issues or anything. He was just young and immature and not ready to be a father/adult.

Dd isn't expecting much. AFIAC tell she just wants to know if he is similar to her in any of his tastes and if he has children are they similar to her and most importantly was he really blonde as a child and then turned ginger or am I just tormenting her She accepts my explanation for him leaving and doesn't have any ill will towards him.

I am certain he won't hurt her but will act as go between for now and then monitor any contact for the foreseeable future.

12 years is a long time, he has hopefully grown up and managed not to turn from a silly immature boy to an overgrown man child.

It's saddening to hear of all the bad experiences young people have had when contacting their natural fathers. One would hope the men in question would have managed to mature in all that time. I hope the children involved are now doing okay.

It didn't feel respectful, it felt as though he was trying to distance himself from her and continue to absolve himself of any part of her life, maybe he is wanting distance but maybe with nicer reasons than I cynically assumed.

I think all 3 of you sound really sensible. This will probably end well.