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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should delete this video

30 replies

36notout · 21/12/2015 22:24

DH got my old phone out tonight and I asked him to back up some of the photos on it, as there are some baby pics of DD on there.

He started going through the photos and found some that I found distressing, including a video of DD in hospital when she was 8 weeks old and quite seriously poorly (taken by me to show the doctors that she appeared to be having seizures).

I asked him to now delete the video because (a) I found it very upsetting and (b) it is mine and I don't want to keep it.

He says he wants to keep it and is refusing to delete it. He says he will keep it somewhere private so I won't see it but I think this is completely unreasonable of him and that it should be deleted altogether in line with my wishes.

I can't tell however if I am losing perspective over this - so AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
TimeToMuskUp · 21/12/2015 22:26

It depends on why he wants to keep it, I suppose. It sounds odd, keeping something which hasn't got happy memories attached, have you asked him why he'd like to keep it?

If he's going to save it somewhere you'll never see it again, it doesn't sound that unreasonable.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 22:28

Not sure I'd want to keep it, but not sure I'd face deleting something like that forever.
Maybe that's why he wants to keep it?

Sirzy · 21/12/2015 22:28

It's his child too so as long as you don't have to see it why is it a problem?

I have photos of Ds when he was critically ill. I rarely look at them but they have helped me to deal with what happened.

Keeptrudging · 21/12/2015 22:29

I think YABU. Your reactions to the video may be very different, but both are valid. He's going to put it where you need never see it again, so it won't upset you. I have a picture of my daughter in intensive care when she was born, with all the tubes/wires. I don't see a poorly baby, I see my daughter who was so strong she fought to stay alive and am so very, very grateful. Flowers

Damselindestress · 21/12/2015 22:35

Maybe he wants a record of what she's been through so he can compare it with all the progress she's made. Maybe he finds it difficult to delete something so personal. Different people handle things differently. I know you're upset but I don't think it is really reasonable to say he can't keep it somewhere you will never see it. Your DD is his child too, he went through her illness too, he's just dealing with it differently to you. You don't want to see reminders of her illness but maybe seeing them helps him process what happened. So a possible compromise is that he can keep the images somewhere you can't see. Why do you feel your wishes should trump his?

Notimefortossers · 21/12/2015 22:35

My DH took loads of photo's of our DD when she was critically ill at 2 weeks old. I thought it was weird that he was doing it at the time and told him so, but he carried on.

Once she was better I looked through them, had a good cry and then deleted them all - didn't ask him.

That was the worst time of my whole life and I didn't want to be reminded of it.

He has never asked where the pictures went and she's 7 now.

Couldn't you just delete it yourself?

Original poster
36notout · 21/12/2015 22:37

I suppose I find it a bit distasteful - a bit like rubbernecking at an accident? It is my daughter and it will upset me to know it is saved somewhere, but happy to accept I am in the minority here. Flowers to all those who have had poorly children

OP posts:
TheWitTank · 21/12/2015 22:39

Can't you Bluetooth/email it to his phone so he can keep it and then delete it from your phone? I understand why you don't want to see it, but maybe he feels like looking back he can see how far she has come and feel happy at her progress? YABU to expect him to feel the same as you do, but YANBU to want it gone from your files if you choose.

Original poster
36notout · 21/12/2015 22:41

Btw we didn't go through her illness together, I was on my own all the time at the hospital (we had a toddler at home who needed looking after as well)

Notime that is exactly how I feel. I doubt I can delete it now though because he'll have copied and hidden it.

OP posts:
Notimefortossers · 21/12/2015 22:45

See if you can forget about it then, knowing he's said he'll put it somewhere you'll never have to see it.

If in a few months it's still playing on your mind, talk to him again Flowers back at you

lostinmiddlemarch · 21/12/2015 22:50

I would want to know why it was important to him. Maybe he found it painful not to be able to be at the hospital and the video touches a nerve? If there is a 'good' reason (i.e., one that involves him feeling vulnerable about it in some way), then I'm afraid he has as much right to the footage as you do. If he just wants it for some other reason, then yes, he should delete it.

lostinmiddlemarch · 21/12/2015 22:51

If he's generally an adoring father, I would let it go. I wouldn't care if footage of my child 'belonged' to someone else and I doubt he will either.

passmethewineplease · 21/12/2015 22:53

Have you even asked him why he's keen to keep it?

ovenchips · 21/12/2015 22:55

I guess people are different and you both feel very differently about this particular thing. I wouldn't say anyone's right or wrong. Prob putting the photos out of your view is the only compromise.

FWIW I have some photos and video of my DC when they were critically ill in intensive care. They're a few years old now and not in my general photo file but I still need to look at them very occasionally as it was an awful time and somehow the photos bear witness to that. It's hard to explain. But as I said everyone's different - my DH does not want to see them.

I hope you can find a compromise that is workable for you both.

zzzzz · 21/12/2015 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
36notout · 21/12/2015 22:59

The reason he is keen to keep it is because he is obsessed with photos (nothing to do with memories or wanting to have been at the hospital, on a subsequent admission he actually went to a work dinner until late into the night, leaving me on my own at hospital again but with the added stress of trying to organise childcare for our toddler...)

OP posts:
BooOzMoo · 21/12/2015 23:02

I got a DS aged 6 with severe SN. He was hospitalised last year with chicken pox and we nearly lost him.

I didn't take any pictures as concentrated totally on him.... DM did as she is a photo fiend!

In some ways I wish I had taken them to show his consultants, geneticist etc... ( we were 230 miles from home)

At the time though I thought I never ever want to remember this time !!!

steff13 · 21/12/2015 23:03

I agree with zzzzz. I'm a little put off by the notion that he didn't go through the illness, too. I'm sure he felt every bit as worried and terrified and helpless as you did. Perhaps even more so, since he wasn't able to be with her during that time.

As far as the video goes, he shouldn't have to delete it if he doesn't want to, and you should never have to see it again if you don't want to.

RomComPhooey · 21/12/2015 23:07

Our DS was in special care for a week. DH took pictures of him on our digital camera when he was a day old and quite poorly in special care. By the time I got home (I was also in hospital for several days) DH said he couldn't find the photos. I strongly suspect he deleted them because he found them distressing. However, I was really poorly for the first couple of days (in the HDU for about 18 hours initially) and not 100% 'with it'. They were the only really early photos of DS and I'm really gutted they've 'disappeared'. I would love to be able to look at them, as his first couple of days were really difficult but I didn't really get to see him in all his newborn scrunchy glory - the fact he's intubated would not bother me much, but DH is very squeamish and always turns over if there is anything medical on the TV. I feel he's denied me the opportunity to see those newborn pictures.

In this case, I'm with your husband - once they are gone, there is no getting them back.

JoandMax · 21/12/2015 23:22

From your last post I'm wondering if you feel resentful to him over that period of time?? So you don't feel he deserves to have it as he wasn't as directly involved as you or as supportive as you needed/wanted?

DS2 was very poorly and we also had a toddler so mostly DH was at home with him while I was in the hospital but I would never say he didn't go through it too. I know he felt guilty and helpless and wanted to be there but it was important for DS1 to retain some kind of normality and have a parent with him too.

I have loads of pictures of DS2 in hospital, it has helped me to deal with what happened, reminds me how far he's come. I want him to grow up proud of who he is, it was a large part of his life so I want him to know about it (he also has surgery scars so he understands where they're from and it's easy to see why from the photos).

Try and have another talk with DH to explain your feelings and get anything off your chest from that time. It's so stressful when you have a poorly baby and it's easy to have unresolved issues but you don't want to leave them to fester. Find out if there is a reason he wants to keep it.

I hope your DD is well now

abbieanders · 21/12/2015 23:25

Do you think there's any chance your daughter will want to see it some day to understand what happened when she was a baby? Children can be very interested in the story of their life before they form memories.

lostinmiddlemarch · 22/12/2015 00:01

I think perhaps it's about more than the photo then?

I agree with the poster who said that he should be able to keep it if he wants to, and you should never have to see it again if you don't want to.

zzzzz · 22/12/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dipankrispaneven · 22/12/2015 01:04

It seems a little odd that you say "It's my daughter". Why not "our daughter" or "his daughter"?

And because it's his daughter, I think he's entitled to keep the film and it absolutely is not like rubbernecking.

Mmmmcake123 · 22/12/2015 01:18

I understand why you would feel aggrieved as it is one thing to say that you don't want to see it, but annoying that he feels the right to keep the video. However, just on the slightest possibility that your child has any future issues, and I am not suggesting they might, I would personally keep the footage.